


The Dawn of Sunset And The Dusk of Sunrise

by Warri0rH3art



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, High School, Minor Character Death, Multi, Rich Clarke Griffin, Scholar Lexa, Slow Burn, Suicide, Sunset and Sunrise
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-15
Updated: 2017-09-17
Packaged: 2018-12-02 01:11:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 54,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11498643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Warri0rH3art/pseuds/Warri0rH3art
Summary: "I've always believed that it's impossible to hold happiness, but that was before I held you."---F.C. PhoenixClarke is the heir to a billion dollar company; trained and raised to be the best in everything and never allowing anything as trivial as love get in the way of achieving her goals.Lexa hails from humble beginnings and simple joys; grew up surrounded by love until life threw her world into chaos and forced her to start supporting her family, love is a foreign concept when she has far too many pressing concerns.Is love possible in this dark cruel world?





	1. CLARKE - The Paragon Mirage

**Author's Note:**

> ##### Sometimes things fall apart so it could fall back into place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ##### The worst thing  
>  You could do,  
>  Is tame the chaos in you,  
>  It's like being told  
>  Not to feel when  
>  You're thrown in the fire.  
>  \---R.M. Drake

I bit back my lip as I released a heavy sigh. I turned my gaze out of the car window. The ominous clouds and continuous rain aligns with my current dark mood. I stared at the small drops of rainfall gently falling from the sky, mesmerized by the way it covers the entire city, finding its way to every nook and cranny; resolute and firm in its goal to make its presence known. The steady pitter-patter of rain helps drone out the persistent argument of Mom and Dad that promptly began as soon as our car exited the driveway.

This has been the new routine lately; arguments here and there that mostly involve business matters but sometimes personal matters too. They don't seem to agree on many things these past few days. They've always been like this for as long as I can remember but their arguments used to be few and far in between. These past few months though, it seems to be happening more and more frequent, in the office, the restaurant, at home and pretty much anywhere else. They are at least discreet about it. They never argued in public, least the mighty and perfect 'Griffin' name be tarnished. From the outside looking in, you can't tell that something is wrong. If you look closely enough, you'll start to notice the subtle but glaring details; the pursed firm lips, strained smiles, cold eyes, uncomfortable silence, the way the fork and knife are held more like a weapon than for eating, and my ever bowed head.

We have mastered the mirage of the regal perfect happy family, always poised and detached with an air of superiority and class. It is evident in our every move, each of them perfected with careful practice and precise calculations. We are like seasoned actors and actresses performing the best of our craft for the world and each other on the grand stage of life, with the camera always rolling and following our every move. We bring the world down to its knees with a single look, gaping and hanging to our every word. We are the paragon model, forefront of everyone's thoughts.

I hated it, every single moment of it. I hate hiding my true emotions with my signature smile and practiced air of nonchalance. Jake Griffin is not even my real dad but he was the one who raised me. Mom got pregnant with me from a one night stand with her long time crush, Marcus. Upon learning of the news of my impending arrival in the world, he promptly left and we have not heard anything from him since. Jake met Mom on a business conference when I was two years old. They dated for a short time before finally tying the knot and adding the Griffin name to mine. The pressure inherent in carrying the Griffin name is a heavy burden to me especially since Jake always point out that I don't deserve to carry the prestigious name whenever I commit mistakes. He is firm about avoiding any mistakes especially since we are always in the public's eyes.

Fast forward to now, these frequent arguments threatened to destroy our perfect image and it is taking its toll on each of us. I am stuck in the middle of all this chaos and I can't help but be suck into the black hole. Unfathomably, they still have moments of genuine sweetness; a date night at least once a week, compulsary family day every Sunday, family shopping at least once a month and vacation three times a year. They both still swear up and down that they love each other. It's like they both have this warring personalities that are both extremes, extreme good and extreme bad. They can never do anything in the middle. I usually stay away from all their arguments, locking myself in my room. Dinners are unavoidable though. It's a rule that we eat together. When one of us is not yet home, the others have to wait up no matter how late it gets until we are all complete then we get to eat.

There are many other rules set in place at our house; all designed to further the image of perfection and achieving our target goals. Dad always seat first at the head of the table then Mom put the foods in his plate while I pour whatever drinks we are having to his cup first then Mom's then mine. Going in and out of doors when we are complete means I have to be at the back and they will lead the way. I was not to disturb them when they are in the middle of business transactions, no matter how dire the situation. Every decisions should go over their approval before I can do them, even as simple as choosing what dress to wear on a trip to the mall. I am not allowed to have a cellphone except for social gatherings where it is needed because they believe it will only distract me from my studies. They didn't know I have one phone hidden, given to me by my friend, Raven.

I hummed softly to myself in an attempt to calm my already fried nerves. I only had three hours of sleep last night which is actually an improvement from the usual average of two hours every night. Sleep has been elusive this past few months, due to my very high stress levels. No matter how sleepy or tired I am, my mind just refuses to calm down enough for sleep to take over. I am spread too thin and it's beginning to show by the thick bags under my eyes and my ever paler complexion. My lips are pale as well and I keep having bouts of dizziness and migraine. I am adrift with nothing to tether me. My feet are unsteady on the ground.

I turned my attention to the rear view mirror when I heard my name.

 **"Clarke! Clarke, are you listening?"** Abby snaps.

 **"Sorry Mom, I was thinking about our quiz in History later. Did you asked me something?"** I replied, my brain easily supplying half truths to appease her.

 **"I said this is your senior year now and we expect you to treat your studies very seriously this year. You need to have good grades so Harvard will readily take you in come next year."** Abby said, pursing her lips as she looked at me through the rear view mirror.

I inwardly rolled my eyes as I maintained eye contact **"I have always been serious about my studies, Mom. I stayed up late every night just for that specific reason."**

Jake looked up sharply at the mirror then and I knew whatever he's going to say next will put me in a bad light. I gritted my teeth and waited for the blow,

**"How come you were only awarded 2nd ranking in your class last year? You were always at the top of your class up until 10th grade, you can't exactly expect us to believe you've really been that serious in your studies when you can't even maintain your usual ranking?"**

I closed my eyes and clenched my fist under the seat, hidden from sight;

( _Please...please stop. It's too early for this._ )

Of course that was too much to ask, Jake continued his reprimands completely unaware of his stepdaughter's inner turmoil. **"Maybe you have been busy every night with things other than your studies!"** His sharp eyes burned mine before looking back at the road. I clenched my fist tighter, his doubts always cut me to the core.

 **"We expect so much from you Clarke. You are a Griffin and our only child, we expect nothing short of the best!"** Abby joined in, voice stern. They always put up a united front when it comes to berating me.

I bit back the harsh reply at the back of my throat and released a deep calming breath instead. **"Don't worry Mom, Dad, I am focused on my studies. I know what is expected of me and my goal is to reach your expectations and go beyond them."**

 **"How do you explain last year then?"** Jake persisted.

 **"I did my best Dad. Last year was just different..it was the year Lexa Woods, our new student, transferred in Arcadia High and she is really intelligent which I suppose was to be expected seeing as she's on a full scholarship.."** I immediately clamped my mouth shut, my heart stuttering

( _Shit! Wrong answer Clarke!_ )

Jake abruptly stop the car to turned around and glared daggers at me. I swallowed hard as I fought to sit still. **"Clarke Griffin! Was that an excuse we just heard?"**

I bowed my head to hide the slight tremble of my lips. **"No Sir, it was not."**

 **"Look at me when I am talking to you, young lady! You will show respect!"** Jake thundered. I forced myself to look up, looking to Mom's eyes first, silently asking for help, instead I was met with identical glares.

 **"What did we tell you about lying to us? Now tell me again, was that an excuse?"** Jake's voice is quiet and icy. I scrambled to think of a reply to salvage this day.

 **"Forgive me Dad, Mom, I admit it was an excuse to hide my inexcusable lack of focus last year. But I promise you I have never been more focus as I am right now."** I spoke with the right amount of conviction and determination just as I have learned, locking gaze with both of them to seal the deal.

They both silently stared at me for a long time, before facing front again. Jake started the engine and I exhaled in relief as my lungs burn from holding my breath too long and my heart thunders, every beat hurts.

 **"Keep your promise Clarke. Remember that we do not tolerate excuses. This 'Lexa' might be intelligent but you should find a way to surpass her instead of throwing excuses why you failed! And never ever, under any circumstances, lie to us again. The consequences that will follow, should you willingly do it again, would be your own fault."** Jake finished.

I nodded **"I promise Dad."**

Abby's unrelenting hard gaze remained trained on me, **"You are the heir to a billion dollar company Clarke. How can you even begin to manage the company when you can't even excel in your studies!"** I bowed my head in shame and discreetly wipe the few stubborn tears that escaped. They hate it when I cry, they always said it shows weakness.

I softly whispered to myself, **"What's so wrong with being second?"**

Abby huffed indignantly and I froze. She heard me. **"What is so wrong with being second? Everything, Clarke! We demand only the best. Your academic fees are not cheap, the least you can do is reciprocate in goodwill by excelling in your studies. Do not disappoint us again!"**

Jake hissed a frustrated breath, **"This is for your own good Clarke, for your future! Do not settle for mediocrity. We raised you to stand out not just add up to the noise, and never just to fade away in the background! You should achieve goals with pinpoint accuracy and you should always strive to be perfect!"**

I lock gaze with both of them then, and in a voice full of conviction and determination I said, **"I promise Dad, Mom, I will do better than last year. I will not lose sight of my goals again."** They stayed silent for a long time, testing my sincerity, before nodding and turning their attention on the road, satisfied for now.

I exhaled in relief, and felt my heart constrict with every painful beat. They continued their previous argument as I turned my attention up ahead.

It's frustrating how time seems to slow down at moments when you prayed it will move faster. The journey from our home to school isn't even that far, it takes a maximum of 10 minutes drive but it felt like a lifetime had already passed before we reach the welcoming mighty gates of Arcadia High. The car stopped and they both turned around to say their usual goodbyes, **"Bye Clarke, make us proud! Go straight home after school, we will know if you come home late, understand?"**

I nod somberly, **"Understood."** I couldn't get out of the car fast enough. I fumbled on the door as I got out of the car.

I waited until the car was safely out of the gate before turning around and walking briskly on the direction of the school's entrance. I spotted my two best friend, Octavia and Raven, who were the silent witnesses to the wreckage that is my life.

They are waiting for me at the front steps with matching worried looks. I walked briskly towards them. They met me halfway and hugged me fiercely.

 **"We're here Clarke, you're ok now."** Octavia whispered on my ears as Raven kissed my hair in support. I am so incredibly lucky to have them. I couldn't help the tears slowly trekking down my cheeks, I wiped it away before they notice and cleared my throat, **"I'm fine guys, they were just wishing me luck on school."**

They released me then and exchange a knowing glance. Raven shook her head lightly, **"It's ok to break down once in awhile Clarke, we got you."**

I bowed my head then, air slowly escaping my lungs.

( _You have to be strong. Do not show weakness._ )

I looked up, put on my signature smile and thread my hands with theirs, **"Come on guys, we don't want to be late."**

They both squeezed my hands lightly as Octavia's unbelievably soft voice said, **"Whatever you say, Clarke."**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ##### True chaos comes from  
>  The garden of your soul,  
>  Where the wilflowers grow.  
>  \---Matt Baker


	2. LEXA - The Scars of Loving

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ##### "Challenges are what makes life interesting and overcoming them is what makes life meaningful" 

The shrill sound of the alarm permeating my rather peaceful room, jolts me awake. Eyes still tightly shut, I reach for my phone and hit 'snooze'. My pillows feel incredibly soft in the morning, the blanket is invitingly warm and the gentle air coming from the open window is just perfect. Surely another five minutes more is not asking too much. I curled my body and burrowed deeper into the safe cocoon of my bed but then my fingers brushed through books on the far side of my bed. I sat upright instantly. I pinched the bridge of my nose in frustration.

( _Shit! I forgot about the History quiz today!_ )

I untangle myself from my bed and stood up unsteadily. I groaned when I glanced down and saw that I was still in my work uniform. I must have dove straight to bed after a very tiring day at work.

My books and notes are strewn haphazardly on the bed where I left it before going to work yesterday. I was planning on studying as soon as I got back from work, but seeing as I went home at half past 12 midnight, all my plans went out the window in favor of sleep.

I glance at the clock, 4:25 am. Not enough time. I hastily made my bed, grabbed my books and notes, and went straight into the kitchen. I rummaged through the fridge and sighed in defeat. There are only two eggs, one milk and five slices of bread left. Definitely not enough to feed three people. Mom must have forgotten to buy some groceries again. I made a reminder on my phone and set it to alarm after school.

I tried to study while I prepare breakfast, but my mind can't seem to keep still. I made two egg sandwich for Aden and Mom and ate the remaining last slice of bread for breakfast. I ignored the hunger pangs from my stomach and drank three full cups of water to get me through the day.

It's at times like this that I miss dad so badly, it hurts. He was always the first one to wake up every morning and prepared breakfast for us no matter how busy his schedules get. He even gave us breakfast in bed at times when we are all still in deep slumber and he has long since finished preparing breakfast. He wakes me up with a kiss on the forehead, a single shake, some feet tickles then finishes with placing breakfast (coffee, bacon, eggs and pancakes) right in front of me, and who wouldn't wake up to those glorious smells.

When I have bad days because of the harsh treatment I got in school, he would see me sulk in my room. He always left the house during those times and would be gone for an hour. When he return, he would call me to the kitchen and ask me for a favor. He would make me go to some random place in the bad side of town with a map to pick up an item and tell me _'to observe the area and report to him if I see something out of the ordinary'._ I would walk out the door confuse as hell and irritated at the interruption of my brooding moments. I would clutch the map tightly and stomped my feet as I go out to the designated place, grumbling and whining the whole time. I would reach the place in the map, pick up the random item he claim to have left ( _his watch, his bag, his compass, his notebook_ ) and I would always find a note at the back with odd instructions that leaves more confusion but that I would always follow:  
**-** _ **F**_ ** _rom where you are standing,_** ** _walk four steps forward,_**  
**_-turn left walk another four steps,_**  
**_-close your eyes no cheating,_**  
**_-slowly turn right then sit down at the floor,_**  
**_-open your eyes_**

And when I did open my eyes, I was always left speechless and teary eyed with my heart full to the brim. In the midst of that abandoned house, in my direct line of sight, stood a small table littered with thin scented candles and in the middle were 3 pieces of red and white carnation flowers bound together by a red ribbon with a note attached that said:

_**"The white carnation signifies 'Pure Love' while red carnation signifies 'Pride, Admiration and Beauty' and YOU are all that to us. Find beauty in the chaos and ugliness of life. Don't let the world dampen your spirit. You are my daughter, my little commander, and I LOVE YOU!"** _

I would return home, a sobbing mess and  I would hug my father tightly. Telling him in between sobs, that the thing I found out of the ordinary in that abandoned house is 'his heart', left there so I would find it and bring it home. He would embrace me tightly back and thank me for bringing 'his heart' home and allowing him to love me. His heart was so full of love that it spilled over and filled our family's heart too. Imagine the devastation I felt when we receive the news of his passing during a military rescue. His heart had grown bigger overtime to encompass everyone; protecting not just his family, but his whole country.

I felt his absence in everything. I always wore his black leather jacket that Mom repaired to fit me, making me feel like it is his arms hugging me still.

He had a scar near his heart from a bullet wound. He loves to tell the story of how he got that scar, it was for jumping in front of his friend, taking the bullet that was intended for his friend. He said he wore it with pride because it symbolizes how much he loves his friend, he said it was the scar of loving. One day he looked at me with a serious expression and he said:

_**"Lexa, one day you would love and you would hurt. This two are bound together. You can not say you've loved if you didn't get hurt and you can not get hurt if you didn't love. You might want to give up when it all becomes too much but always remember, the reason it hurts is because you love then you were wounded which will become a scar overtime. You must never regret it and instead wear your scars with pride because you got it out of love. If you love, never ask for anything in return even if it hurts. That is the definition of Pure Love"** _

Two long years had already passed but the scars of loving Dad is still in full display in my heart, and I wear them with pride.

I blinked away the tears as I count the money from my wallet. It was enough for Aden's lunch and an apple for me. My salary isn't due until next week and Mom's salary is barely enough to pay for our monthly mortgage, electricity bills and the occasional groceries. I have to request more overtime at the restaurant I work to be able to sustain our little family especially since Aden keeps on getting sick and sent to the Community Public Hospital. He's always been sickly since he was born early, only 7 months but what he lacked in health, he compensates with his mind. He is a genius kid, a prodigy who loves to read and study. We are both on full scholarship at Arcadia High which is the only reason we can set foot on that prestigious high school, let alone study there. A scholarship that I am jeopardizing by not studying for that history quiz.

Frustrated with myself l quickly went to my brother's room to wake him and help him prepare for school. **"Aden wake up, it's time to get up buddy."** I nudge him gently.

He mumbled, **"It's morning already?"**

 **"Yes buddy, it's time to learn some more."** I said smiling. It's what he always said whenever school is mentioned.

He chuckled as he sat up and began rubbing sleep from his eyes. **"Ok Lexa, I'm up and ready to learn some more."**

I slap his arms playfully, **"Great! Now get out of bed and go to the kitchen. Eat your breakfast: egg sandwich and milk, while I go check on Mom."**

I was already near his door when he asked, **"What about your breakfast?"**

 **"I already ate my breakfast buddy."** I said, with my back turned.

 **"What did you have for breakfast, Lexa?"** Aden asked, voice dripping with suspicion.

I had no choice except to face him but I trained my eyes above his head. I hate lying to him but I hate him worrying more. **"I had egg sandwich too silly, I made one for each of us."**

He stared at me silently for a long time, green eyes intense with concentration and lips set in a firm line, looking so much like dad when he is judging the truth in my words,  that my heart actually skipped a beat. Finally he said softly, **"Lexa you have to be honest about these things. I know you've been foregoing a lot of your meals so you can give me extra servings and I know I need them but you need them too Lexa. I just..I don't want you to get sick Lexa."**

His green eyes looks on the verge of tears, my own eyes watered. I quickly cross the room and wrapped him in a tight hug, **"Hush buddy, I promise you I already did ate. I might have even ate the largest sandwich of the three, but don't tell Mom,"** I smiled forcing the bitter lie. **"And I'm not gonna get sick, I'm freakishly strong!"**

I felt him exhaled then and let out a small laugh, **"Yeah, you are strong."**

I smiled as I stood up, wiped our tears and turned toward the door, **"and Lexa?"**

I stopped walking, **"Yes buddy?"**

 **"I love you and thanks for always taking care of me."** He whispered.

I looked back at him, **"I love you too buddy, deep in my heart!"**

 **"How deep?"** He asked, eyes wide with uncertainty and tone serious, just the way Dad always asked.

 **"The deepest!"** I embraced him again, feeling content.

He smiled back, I stood up and went to Mom's room. She's still asleep. She takes graveyard shift at the hospital and always arrive home at dawn, completely exhausted. I fixed her blanket and kissed her cheeks. **"I love you Mom"** I whispered, before turning and tiptoeing to her door so as not disturb her sleep. However I stepped on the one floorboard that creaks.

 **"Is that you Lexa?"** Mom asked sleepily.

I sigh to myself, so much for not waking her. **"Yes Mom, it's me Lexa."**

 **"Did you get some sleep last night,"** she asked.

 **"Yeah Mom, I slept through the night."** ( _And completely forgot about my history quiz_ )

 **"That's good to hear, honey. You work so hard all the time, at least I want you to have sleep. I love you!"** She said, her voice soft.

I smiled, my heart full. We might not have Dad anymore, but our family is still full and overflowing with love. **"Thanks Mom, I love you too. I'm ok, don't worry. Go back to sleep you need it more than me. Aden and I will be leaving shortly for school. I just wanted to check up on you. I made you egg sandwich for breakfast, I left it at the kitchen."**

Mom sat up then, **"Thank you honey. I forgot to buy the groceries yesterday but I intend to buy it later before going to work. Thanks for helping Aden. Go get some money in my wallet for you and Aden's lunch.** "

I walk to her door faster, **"It's fine Mom, already got it covered."** I got out of her room before she can protest.

I gathered my books and notes and set it at the bathroom high enough so it wont get wet. If Anya can see me now, reviewing notes while rinsing my body, she would have bursted laughing hysterically and never would have let me live this down. I smiled to myself. Well I am desperate and this definitely saves time. Multi-tasking is one of my hidden talents.

I manage to review half of the chapter during my bath. I'll finish the other half during my 30 minutes walk to school. I wore Dad's black leather jacket over the Arcadia High's uniform and instantly felt better.

I passed by Aden wearing a raincoat with the hoodie on, in preparation for the soft pouring rain outside. I handed him lunch money and hugged him goodbye. He mounted my bike and started pedaling towards the direction of school.

I took an umbrella, thankful that the rain is only a slight drizzle now. I used to ride my bike to school but when Aden become freshman at Arcadia, I gave him the bike as a gift. I prefer walking anyway, it gives me a lot of time to think and observe my surrounding.

I managed to finish the review before reaching the gates of Arcadia. I smiled to myself as I saw a blonde haired girl got out of her parents car. Clarke watched until the car was out of the gate. Completely oblivious to my presence, she squared her shoulders, put on a smile and turn to face her friends. I frowned, she looks sadder today. She always look sad every time I see her. Even if she is donning her perfect smile it never quite reaches her eyes.

I shook my head from my thoughts and walk briskly passing Clarke and her friends at the entrance. I still got lots of things to do before class starts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ##### Love: it never dies  
>  It never goes away  
>  It never fades  
>  So long as you hang on to it  
>  Love can make you immortal  
>  \---Gayle Forman


	3. OCTAVIA - The Fierce Knight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ##### Of all the weapons she had commanded, she knew the least of LOVE; and of all the weapons in the world, LOVE was the most dangerous  
>  \---Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

The hallway was already teeming with students when Raven and I, lead Clarke inside. Students from different classes all mingling together, the place is abuzz with all the weekend escapades stories. I kept stealing glances at Clarke's smiling face while shooting Raven with worrying looks when Clarke wasn't looking. Raven's equally worried face looked helplessly at me. Clarke looked perfect as always; composed, in control, carefree.

Her perfect smile, the one she always wore around the press, is in full display now; which is what got me and Raven worried. She always wear that smile more strongly when something is troubling her. I'm positive it has to do with her parents. The moment their car pulled up at Arcadia High's gates and I spotted Clarke's anxious expression, I wanted to bolt right then and there and grab Clarke away from them. Raven's firm grip on my wrist and the slight shook of her head is the only reason I stayed. I gritted my teeth as I saw Clarke from a distance, head bowed. She looks so alone. My fiery eyes met Raven's calm and understanding eyes and she finally nodded. We met Clarke halfway across the front gardens and hugged her fiercely. We both care for Clarke but I care infinitely more because she is like a sister to me and I owe her my life.

We made our way to the lockers, the crowd of students parting and paving our way like Moises in the red sea. They barely spare me and Raven a glance. They all looked at our golden friend with unrestrained awe; greeting her good morning, and wishing her good day. Clarke just smiled through the whole ordeal, head tip high giving her the look of confidence and grace, but her eyes tells a whole new different story. They looked troubled. Her azure blue eyes lacks its usual intensity.

We reached the lockers and since me and Raven always took our books and stuffs home, Clarke was the the only one with things in her locker. Being the sole heir to her parents business empire, Clarke is entitled to certain privileges we normal students don't have. One of these privileges is having her own separate locker at the end of the hall giving her privacy. The size of her locker is three times bigger than ours and has a smaller private safe enclosed inside the bigger locker. This is mostly because the bigger locker is always full with letters and gifts for Clarke from other students and teachers.

We waited as she open her locker and rummage around to open the smaller private safe, completely ignoring today's gifts. We heard her telltale sound of surprised breath. Raven and I both rushedf to her side, smiled and knowingly peeked over Clarke's shoulder to see what we both knew will be there: a scrolled note with a single red and white paper carnation flower attached.

Like all the countless scrolled notes before, this one is from a special kind of delicate old paper like papyrus but made from a stronger material. It is scented to smell like the heady mixture of pine trees and mint. This special kind of paper can not be found in stores and I've looked everywhere for it. The paper carnation flower looks so real, its amazing. It even smells like one. The note is scrolled like the scriptures from long time ago, bound together by a thin ribbon made from an exquisite fiber of tree bark. The words are written in beautiful calligraphy. The cursive letters melding together producing an intricate wave of words like the writings the royal family of old times have. Like all the previous notes, this one was a quote, this time from F. Scott Fitzgerald.

Raven read the note in a hush and reverent tone:  
**"You are beautiful, but not like those girls in the magazines.**  
**You are beautiful for the way you think.**  
**You are beautiful for the sparkle in your eyes when you talk about something you love.**  
**You are beautiful for your ability to make other people smile even if you are sad.**  
**No. You are not beautiful for something as temporary as your looks.**  
**You are beautiful deep down to your soul."**

Raven practically swooned on the last line. I however, kept my eyes fixed on Clarke, watching her reaction as Raven read the quotes along with her. For the untrained eyes, her expression remained the same as before albeit the smile widening. But I saw the subtle changes as I watched her like a hawk with intense concentration; the wide smile painted across her lips had turned soft with every word, her blue eyes now sparkle with held back tears and I swear, those eyes shone brightly like the most intense blue fire, her back straightened and her stance relaxed. It was like she inhaled a deep shuddering breath and her whole body exhaled. I felt my own smile broke free. If Clarke's happy then we are too. My worries forgotten for now, I nudged Clarke playfully, 

**"So, 'Will' strikes again".**

Clarke nudged me in return, wide smile still in place, **"Shut up O, I still don't get why you guys keep calling this mysterious sender 'Will'."**

 **"Clarke, your mysterious admirer wrote heart stopping poetry and gush-worthy quotes to you, unless whoever it is man up and sign their name to these glorious notes, we will call him 'Will' short for William Shakespeare and that's the end of it."** Raven joined in.

Clarke hummed her consent while carefully placing the note and flower inside the small safe. Looking inside the safe, it's filled with more than a hundred different notes and flowers. 'Will' doesn't send notes everyday, for awhile we thought it was just random days or whenever 'Will' felt like it. But lately I noticed a pattern, Clarke would get them whenever she feels a little sad or there is a major event happening. It was like 'Will' knew when exactly Clarke would need an extra boost of encouragement, like he/she was attuned to her heart somehow. We never figured out who sent these notes and between me and Raven, there isn't any mystery the world can throw that we couldn't solve. However, this one is still one of our open cases. Arcadia High has thousand of students and a handful of teachers, it can be anyone really. 'Will' is incredibly smart and has evaded detection for about a year now which just makes me begrudgingly admire who ever this 'Will' is. Clarke strongly advise us to let it go, saying that the sender deserves his/her privacy, but Raven and I are extremely curious as to who can make Clarke this secretly happy and escape our vigilant investigation. Frankly, I'm not one to be sappy as I usually let my fist do the talking but I'm just so thankful to whoever this 'Will' is for making Clarke's practiced smiles morph into a radiant genuine one.

Clarke started getting them more than a year ago, when she was at her lowest. It was at that point that Clarke's carefully built up walls started showing cracks and everyone can see that something is different. Clarke began falling behind school work, unable to answer in class debates and at one time completely forgot to turn in an assignment. These might not seem much to ordinary students but for a straight A student and obsessively perfect person like Clarke, these are very dangerous signs that something's wrong. Raven accidentally found out the real reason behind these episodes but she never did told me about it no matter what tactic I use. She said it was best if we didn't knew and to just be there for Clarke.

It was so hard to do exactly that because as perfect as Clarke is, she is way too stubborn and prideful. She would never ask for help even if she can't take it anymore. She'd rather suffer in silence behind her ever perfect mask. The more we offer support, the more she closed up behind her walls, stubbornly insisting that she is fine. Maybe it was part of her strict upbringing but whatever the case, Raven and I agreed to just pretend like everything's fine as well, at least Clarke stays at our side when we play along with her charade. But this is killing me, God it's killing all of us! How can you be a good friend when the one you need to support won't even accept it.

Raven and I knew the real story of the Griffin's 'perfect' life and its so far from perfect as everyone thinks. Clarke is the only one who suffers but she is really good in hiding it. What with all the pressure from her parents and her own steely resolve to be perfect to appease them both, no one will know any better that she is actually trapped in her life. I sort of understand her hiding her true emotions. Having to live your life in full display of the press is a harrowing way to live. The press are like predators stalking their prey. One wrong move and they magnified it. Just as they love to see the mighty rise they also relish seeing them fall.

Clarke is bound by a lot of rules imposed upon her by her parents and the society. She is always compose and carefree that even I believed the carefully constructed mirage. I would still have been one of the unassuming people, completely unaware of her real story if not for one momentous occasion when I witness firsthand the real life behind the glamorous Clarke Griffin.

Last year, my brother, Bellamy, had just finished his 2nd tour in the military, just in time for my birthday. He planned a small get together for me and encouraged me to invite friends. Seeing as I just transferred in Arcadia High on a Soccer scholarship, I didn't really have that many friends except for Raven. Clarke was way above our league back then, followed by adoring fans but always seeking the peace and quiet of being alone. She didn't appear to be lonely though even if she was always alone in the cafeteria, she looks aloof and so above everything; always reading a book or answering work emails in her laptop. Everyone was wary of approaching her least they disturb her busy world. She sat between Raven and I at class though; the seats were preassigned at the beginning of the year so we can't change seats even if we want too.

A day before my birthday, Raven and I were awkwardly discussing my small party while Clarke look straight ahead ignoring our discussion. I glance at Clarke and was suddenly ashamed that we were discussing it without including her. So I cleared my throat catching her attention then bravely invited her to my party, if she isn't busy that is. She tilted her head, a small smile forming her lips, **"I'd love too very much but unfortunately I have to be home exactly after class. My parents don't want me to linger after school, I'm really sorry. I really appreciate the offer though, I hope there was a way I could go."** Clarke said leaving both Raven and I gaping. It was the first time we heard her speak that long and with a worried smile no less. Truthfully I was relieved, not that I didn't want her to come, it's just that we live in the poor and bad side of town, I can't imagine the great Clarke Griffin even setting foot there.

 **"What if I found a way to have the school let us go home early on such a short notice therefore guaranteeing that your parents won't know about the cut schedule, could you maybe go and stay until the time of our supposed dismissal time at school?"** Raven blurted, and to our astonishment Clarke eagerly nodded giddy with excitement.

I looked at Raven like she just lost her damn mind. What she was suggesting was so impossible it was cruel to make Clarke think it would work. But she just shoots me her signature _'trust me'_ look, and I do trust her so I shrug and gave my consent to whatever crazy idea she had planned.

The next day exactly after lunch period, the speakers turned on announcing that the school is dismissed early for that day as they are addressing some issues. Students can go home 4 hours earlier than our usual dismissal time. My jaw dropped as I locked eyes with a shocked Clarke and we both turned our attention to the smug face of Raven Reyes, a triumphant smile gracing her lips. We laughed then and it was glorious, the magic of Raven forming the bond between us three. Raven never divulge how she achieved such impossible feat but we were just happy so we let her have her secret and revel in the mystery that is Raven.

Clarke was called by our counselor though and she advised us to go on ahead so as not to waste time. I went ahead leaving Raven behind to assist Clarke and show her the way to our home. I was a nervous wreck because Clarke was coming over and our house is so small with a lot of the other parts in disrepair. Bellamy has yet to have enough money to renovate our small house. Upon arrival at our house, I was surprised to see about 20 of our schoolmates there. Apparently Raven invited them for my birthday to surprise me. I was surprised all right and Bellamy had some of his friends come over as well, with beers and wine in hand. I was really nervous now, our school is very strict about alcohol consumption especially since we were all minors there and alcohol is a primary reason for revoking varsity scholarship. I confronted Bellamy angrily but he said I should just relax, that he got everything under control and no one in school will know of this. He wanted me to enjoy the party and I tried hard too, I appreciate my big brother's effort to make me happy however misguided his ways are.

After about half an hour, Raven and Clarke arrive, Clarke wearing a hoodie jacket and dark sunglasses to get away from any possible press and parent sightings. I gingerly meet them, Raven hugging me tight and greeting me a happy birthday. I turned my attention to Clarke shame pooling at my gut. Clarke was standing still, her fingers hovering over our broken front door. I approached her and cleared my throat awkwardly and bit my lip. She didn't looked at me but I notice her body trembling and tears were steadily streaming down her cheeks. Worried now, I carefully put one hand on her shoulder and the other removed her sunglasses. When I turned my gaze back to her, Clarke was shaking and steadily crying, I looked at Raven behind in panic. I expected Clarke to react badly but not this bad. Raven rushed to my side and we both asked Clarke what's wrong. She shook her head a couple of times, opening and closing her mouth. I handed her water to drink.

She hugged me then, sobbing now. **"Octavia..O.. I'm..I'm..I'm sorry! It's just..just..why do you..live like this..I don't deserve..don't deserve..what I have..all those things.. you deserve them..you all do.. I don't..you're good people..You're good O..you shouldn't live..like this..you deserve better"** Clarke was almost incoherent now, and I am tearing up as well.

 **"Shh..shh Clarke, don't say that. It's ok, It's ok."** I said through tears. I don't exactly know what was happening but I felt my heart clench seeing the mighty Clarke like this, saying those things. I held her rubbing soothing circles at her back.

Clarke shook her head, **"It's not..ok, this is..not ok..it's..it's your birthday..I haven't even..brought you a gift.."** Raven was crying softly as well, hugging both of us.

We were like that for about half an hour silently sobbing and assuring each other that everything is fine. Eventually Clarke calmed down and looked at me shyly, **"I'm sorry about my outburst. It never happened before, I was just overwhelmed. I understand if you don't want me to be your friend anymore."**

I hugged her again, **"Don't you say that Clarke, don't you say that again. Of course we want to be your friend more than ever,"** I glanced at Raven then and she nods encouragingly. **"You shouldn't be sorry for crying too, friends can cry in front of each other"** I continued.

 **"We are here for you Clarke, please know that."** Raven said.

Just then, there was a flash followed by another and another. We were surrounded by a lot of photographers and a black very expensive Mercedes Benz stopped in front of our house. Mr. and Mrs. Griffin stepped out of the car followed by a few bodyguards. I saw Clarke stiffened and bowed her head. Mr. Griffin's eyes roamed our little house, disdain clearly written on his face while his wife glared at Clarke.

 **"What is the meaning of this Clarke! What are you doing here, with these, these people in the bad side of town? Cutting classes and hanging out with kids who drinks?! Did they force you to come here?"** Mr.Griffin fired questions and accusations with ease.

I was about to give him a piece of my mind when I saw Clarke, she locked eyes with mine and with a pleading look subtly shook her head. I clamped my mouth shut, seething as Clarke approached her parents. She looks determined and focused. No trace of the sobbing Clarke remain as she address them in a formal and clipped tone, **"Dad, Mom forgive me. It was my friend's birthday so I convince the school to let us go early and surprise my friend here. The alcohol was also my idea, I ordered it online and have them deliver it here. All these people here have no prior knowledge of my plans."** And with that one monologue, Clarke single handedly took responsibility of everything.

We all stared in shock, unable to move and unable to look away at the train wreck about to happen. This had been a strange turn of events. Mr. and Mrs.Griffin looked shocked as well before slowly returning to their firm expression and asking forgiveness for intruding the party. They lead Clarke to the car. Clarke looked back at us before entering the car, she looks as composed as ever. Her expression, indifferent and formal as she looked at all the other guests, it made me think I just dreamed the sobbing image of Clarke awhile ago, until her eyes reach Raven's and mine. Her eyes softened a bit and her lips lift with a small smile, she nodded at us once before entering the car formal once more.

After they left, I pulled my brother aside to asked for his help. I wanted to go to Clarke's house secretly, just to ask her forgiveness and thank her for her selfless declaration saving us from the school's wrath tomorrow. Bellamy didn't want to at first saying that it's dangerous but I reminded him that it is still my birthday and I would do it with or without him so he reluctantly agreed. We found Clarke's house easily, the grand mansion sprawled in a large estate 8 times larger than our meager house. We avoided the Griffin's bodyguards solely due to Bellamy's military expertise. Clarke's house was surrounded with thick glass walls and soft light. The interior is magnificent and the Olympic size pool is impressive. There was even a small man made waterfall at the side of the pool. We found Clarke standing in the opulent living room, head bowed down as her parents both paced in front of her, anger marring their perfect features. One of the living room windows was open allowing us to hear bits and pieces of their conversation.

 **"Have you forgotten the rules Clarke! You are not to make friends, only acquaintances! They will not help you in life, they will only influence you to do their bidding then left you when you have nothing more to offer! I can not stress this enough young lady, stay focus on your studies and grow up for God's sake!"** Jake half shouted.

Abby approached Clarke with a stern expression, **"You do not need friends Clarke. All you need to succeed in Life is your own wisdom and skill. They are only friendly with you because they want something from you. Don't trust anybody but us."**

 **"But Mom, Dad they didn't want anything from me. They just want me to come celebrate with them. They are good people."** Clarke said softly.

 **"You are young and naive Clarke, easy to manipulate! Of course you would think that, they want you to think that. But make no mistake, everyone wants something! And your stunt with the school and alcohol is deplorable and atrocious! Alcohol is never tolerated you know this. From now on you are not to leave school without our permission is that understood?"** Jake glowered as Abby looked on.

 **"Understood Sir."** Clarke answered in a firm voice.

 **"You may go to your room and reflect upon this massive disaster that you have made. Tomorrow, I expect your written report on the matter and your precise act of contrition in great detail. Go! Get out of our sight! You shamed us today Clarke! I hope you are proud of yourself!"** Jake said all that in a low voice but it nevertheless echoed in the silent house. His message lingering in the air long after it was spoken.

Clarke turned around and quietly went to her room, her head bowed in humility and surrender all the way. Bellamy and I on the other hand, are both furious and ashamed of ourselves. I wiped at the unsuspecting tears from my eyes and promised myself that from that time onwards, I will be Clarke's most loyal friend and I will do everything I can to protect her from this cruel world.

The next day we learned that one of our obnoxious classmate, 'Ontari' was the one responsible for leaking the news to the press about my party and the alcohol involved. The headlines splashed Clarke's hooded face with the alcohol bottles in the background:

_**"Clarke Griffin, Party Animal in The Ghetto"** _

_**"Clarke Griffin, Secretly an Alcoholic",** _

_**"The Dark Side of Clarke"** _

They even had a picture of her breaking down, eyes streaked with tears,

_**"The Weakness of Clarke Griffin"** _

_**"How The Mighty Clarke Have Fallen"** _

I was held in detention for the entire day for beating up Ontari twice, but hell it was worth it. Clarke was given 3 days detention for the whole debacle which is a pretty light punishment for the crime she supposedly committed, but the Griffin name helps. She returned to school looking like her normal perfect self, composed, confident and in control, but from that day on, she always hangs with us.

We witness her carry the burden of others and suffered for her own goodwill. She sees herself as broken, and worthless but I have come to see the real diamond in her. She really is great and I am and will always be in awe of my friend. But unlike her countless followers, I see her beauty not for her glorious looks, big wealth, and high society standing; I see her beautiful soul and I felt honored for being her friend. You only ever meet a pure soul a few times in your life and some don't even get the chance. But I can honestly say that Clarke is one, she is like an angel in hiding cloaking her stunning brilliance but we are all still drawn to her just the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ##### You are a strange  
>  Kind of beautiful.  
>  The type of magic  
>  That foolish men  
>  Run away from,  
>  And ran back to  
>  When it's too late  
>  \---Rudy Francisco


	4. RAVEN - Unveiling of The Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Raven Part -1  
> This chapter is mostly dedicated to my favorite qoutes written by famous poets and writers which will be known as 'Will's sweet notes for Clarke.
> 
> I changed some of the pronouns to 2nd person point of view instead of the original 3rd to fit the story.

I immediately stood up as soon as the bell signaling lunch rang and made my goodbyes to Clarke and Octavia. Clarke started to ask where I am going, but one meaningful look at Octavia, and she was led to the cafeteria by O. I heard her whisper that I was going to the counselor for some much needed therapy session, that sneaky girl.

I turned around and went the opposite direction of the cafeteria. The History quiz was a complete bust, I mean look at my score. Clarke and Lexa both got perfect scores, no surprise there. Those two are freakishly intense in their studies. They considered a single mistake as the greatest disaster in the world. Although technically they are academic competitors, it's a healthy competition between them. Clarke and Lexa constantly challenge each other to do great and excel.

I stared at my offending quiz and almost crumpled my paper as I looked disgustedly at the red B+ marking. It's true I got the second highest score in our class but still, my mark could do better. If only I studied more last night, but Bellamy chose that night to go knocking on my window just when I was settling in for a night of memorized dates and names and historic events. And really I shouldn't be blamed that as soon as I saw his sheepish smile and uncertain eyes, I bolted upright and dashed to open my window as quietly and quickly as I can.

He scrambled inside, shrinking as much as his hulking body can fit in the small opening of my window. As soon as he was standing upright in my room, he envelops me in a tight hug which I returned just as tight if not more. He just got back this morning from another military tour in Syria and my heart is so full with the knowledge that he is safe. Alive and in flesh. He handed me a single long stemmed white rose and I melt further. It's not fair that I am this mechanical genius with all the complex mathematical equation memorized but when Bellamy Blake is around, I am constantly rendered speechless. All thoughts of studying forgotten, I lead him deeper into my room and we both make ourselves comfortable in bed. I smiled at his shy expression, knowing full well that we are going to sleep and cuddle tonight. Nothing beyond sleep because I'm a prude and Bellamy, the perfect gentleman that he is, will never do anything I'm not ready for, aside from kissing that is. The kisses are chaste and sweet, never pushing the limit. Soon we both settled into a more comfortable position and Bellamy put his arms around me. He told me stories of his time in Syria until I finally doze off to peaceful sleep.

I couldn't help the slow smile forming my lips as I fondly remembered last night. I fasten my pace as I made my way to the library. I have a much pressing agenda at the moment; Operation Unmasking Will. I know Clarke told us to stop looking but surely she didn't include me in that request. She knows how much I hate mysteries and this mysterious notes are really something, I wanted to know who sends them and congratulate him/her myself. I hacked the school database a couple of times now and still nothing. I felt rather insulted in my hacking prowess. It has been a year since Octavia and I started this investigation but we haven't made a single headway yet.

In a last ditch attempt, I am scouting the library since 'Will' used quotes from famous poets and writers, he/she is bound to get some stuff here. This is my first day to attempt the library scene so I'm not really expecting to have positive results today. Mostly I just want to read these notes again in the quiet and peaceful surroundings that the library provide. I purposely choose the last stall at the corner of the library in an attempt at privacy. I took a picture of each note 'Will' had sent and printed out a hard copy which I now carefully laid in the table.

> **Did my heart love till now?**  
>  **Forswear it, sight!**  
>  **For I never saw true beauty**  
>  **Till this night.**  
>  **\---William Shakespeare**
> 
> **Sometimes it takes the darkest paths,**  
>  **To find the brightest light.**  
>  **\---J. Iron Word**
> 
> **And in your smile**  
>  **I see something**  
>  **More beautiful than the stars.**  
>  **\---Beth Revis**
> 
> **You are the poetry**  
>  **Behind my words.**  
>  **\---J. Iron Word**
> 
> **I love thee,**  
>  **I love thee,**  
>  **With a love that shall not die;**  
>  **Till the sun grows cold,**  
>  **And the stars grows old.**  
>  **\---William Shakespeare**
> 
> **You are the kind of girl**  
>  **That rides comets,**  
>  **To get to where you are going.**  
>  **\---J. Iron Word**
> 
> **It was only a sunny smile,**  
>  **And little it cost in the giving,**  
>  **But like morning light,**  
>  **It scattered the night,**  
>  **And made the day worth living.**  
>  **\---F. Scott Fitzgerald**
> 
> ****The problem is you see yourself everyday,**  
>  **So you don't realize just how amazing you are.**  
>  **\---J. Iron Word****
> 
> **I look at you and I would** **rather look at you,**  
>  **Than any other portrait in the world.**  
>  **\---Frank O'Hara**
> 
> **Break my heart,**  
>  **Break it a thousand times if you like,**  
>  **It was only ever yours to break anyway.**  
>  **\---Kiera Cass**
> 
> **I was taught not to play with fire,**  
>  **But I can't help standing in yours.**  
>  **\---J. Iron Word**
> 
> **You are the finest, loveliest, tenderest**  
>  **And the most beautiful person,**  
>  **I have ever known,**  
>  **And even that is an understatement.**  
>  **\---F. Scott Fitzgerald**
> 
> **There's something about being broken**  
>  **At various times in your life,**  
>  **That makes you a more complete person.**  
>  **\---J. Iron Word**
> 
> **We loved with a love**  
>  **That was more than love.**  
>  **\---Edgar Allan Poe**
> 
> **If the world were to end today,**  
>  **I would spend the last seconds of my life**  
>  **Making sure you knew,**  
>  **You were all that mattered.**  
>  **\---J. Iron Word**
> 
> **For what its worth,**  
>  **It's never too late**  
>  **To be whoever you want to be.**  
>  **I hope you live a life you're proud of,**  
>  **And if you find that you do not,**  
>  **I hope you have the strength**  
>  **To start over.**  
>  **\---F. Scott Fitzgerald**
> 
> **Everything you are is something**  
>  **I have never come across,**  
>  **And will never see again.**  
>  **You are my once in a lifetime Everything!**  
>  **\---J. Iron Word**
> 
> **I want to give you the sun and stars**  
>  **Even offer the world at your feet,**  
>  **Anything just to make you happy.**  
>  **\---F.C. Phoenix**
> 
> **Though my eyes**  
>  **can no longer see you,**  
>  **I cannot escape your image.**  
>  **\---J. Iron Word**
> 
> **Some people shine brighter than most**  
>  **But you shine the brightest of all,**  
>  **The beacon of light in this dark world.**  
>  **\---F.C. Phoenix**
> 
> **You are different,**  
>  **You look up even when the stars**  
>  **Aren't shining.**  
>  **\---J. Iron Word**
> 
> **I'm ready to lose myself**  
>  **But I'm not ready to lose you.**  
>  **\---David Levithan**
> 
> **Even in pieces,**  
>  **You are still the most beautiful human**  
>  **I have ever known.**  
>  **\---J. Iron Word**
> 
> **I have this thing inside me,**  
>  **And its angry, and its scared,**  
>  **and its uncertain,**  
>  **But most of all,**  
>  **So completely in love with you,**  
>  **And it would do anything to keep you,**  
>  **Even if it means staying**  
>  **The way we are now.**  
>  **\---David Levithan**
> 
> **You're far from sane,**  
>  **But you're the right kind of crazy,**  
>  **The kind I get addicted to.**  
>  **\---J. Iron Word**
> 
> **I have late night**  
>  **Conversations with the moon.**  
>  **He tells me about the sun,**  
>  **And I tell him about YOU.**  
>  **\---S.L. Gray**
> 
> **If beautiful was a color,**  
>  **Your soul would be every shade.**  
>  **\---J. Iron Word**
> 
> **I've never felt such joy as grips me**  
>  **At the mere mention of your name,**  
>  **Clarke, Clarke, was there ever**  
>  **A more beautiful sound**  
>  **Since God first spoke.**  
>  **\---Rachel Caine**
> 
> **I know we can never be more than this,**  
>  **But this is more than some people ever get.**  
>  **\---J. Iron Word**
> 
> **You are the most**  
>  **perfect woman ever formed.**  
>  **Made of light and of love.**  
>  **\---Rachel Caine**
> 
> **If I woke up tomorrow and you were a dream,**  
>  **I would fall back to sleep,**  
>  **With the hope of finding you again.**  
>  **\---J. Iron Word**
> 
> **You were enough.**  
>  **Maybe you were too much,**  
>  **Maybe they prefer less,**  
>  **And you deserved more.**  
>  **\---R.H. Sin**
> 
> **You didn't need to be saved.**  
>  **You needed to be found**  
>  **And appreciated for exactly who you are.**  
>  **\---J. Iron Word**
> 
> **One day, beautiful adventurer,**  
>  **You are going to see,**  
>  **What we all see in you.**  
>  **And when you do,**  
>  **My God! How you'll taste the sun!**  
>  **\---Erin Van Vuren**
> 
> **You are the storm over calm waters,**  
>  **With the kind of wind**  
>  **I want to feel against my skin,**  
>  **And rain I want to dance against my lips,**  
>  **While catching every drop.**  
>  **\---J. Iron Word**
> 
> **I am a complete mess**  
>  **Whenever I see you,**  
>  **The enraptured, motivated,**  
>  **Speechless kind of mess.**  
>  **\---F.C. Phoenix**
> 
> **You are color in a black and white movie.**  
>  **You are oxygen in a vacuum.**  
>  **You are a snowflake on my tongue**  
>  **In the summer.**  
>  **\---J.Iron Word**
> 
> **You couldn't make sense**  
>  **Of the things that were meant for you,**  
>  **But you are drawn to it all,**  
>  **And when you are alone,**  
>  **You felt like the moon;**  
>  **Terrified of the sky,**  
>  **But completely in love**  
>  **With the way it held the stars.**  
>  **\---R.M. Drake**
> 
> **You found beauty in the strangest places,**  
>  **In the broken and forgotten.**  
>  **You knew that the truest hearts**  
>  **Were the ones that resembled yours.**  
>  **\---J. Iron Word**
> 
> **You are written into my soul**  
>  **With a permanent ink.**  
>  **\---J.M. Storm**
> 
> **You picked up the pieces**  
>  **Of your own broken heart**  
>  **And reassembled it yourself.**  
>  **You don't need to be saved**  
>  **Just loved.**  
>  **\---J. Iron Word**
> 
> **You are a cup of black coffee**  
>  **In a world that is drunk**  
>  **On the cheap wine of shallow love.**  
>  **\---J.M. Storm**
> 
> **You are a throwback to a time**  
>  **When love didn't cause a thing,**  
>  **But was everything.**  
>  **\---J. Iron Word**
> 
> **I have learned to program my heart,**  
>  **To beat only as long as I love you.**  
>  **Its safe to say that so long as I'm alive,**  
>  **My heart will always be yours.**  
>  **\---F.C. Phoenix**
> 
> **The way I see it**  
>  **1% of you is more than**  
>  **100% of anyone else.**  
>  **\---J. Iron Word**
> 
> **I will look at you across any room**  
>  **And think that you are the most**  
>  **Beautiful person I've ever seen,**  
>  **For as long as I breathe.**  
>  **\---A.R. Asher**
> 
> **You are the kind of strong**  
>  **That makes me weak**  
>  **In the knees, heart, and mind.**  
>  **\---J. Iron Word**
> 
> **When I first met you**  
>  **I knew in a moment**  
>  **I would have to spend**  
>  **The next few days**  
>  **Re-arranging my mind**  
>  **So there'd be room**  
>  **For you to stay.**  
>  **\---Unknown**
> 
> **Your voice is full of**  
>  **Beautiful memories**  
>  **We have yet to make**  
>  **\---Leo Christopher**
> 
> **You call yourself flawed**  
>  **But yours fall into place**  
>  **Like a masterpiece of chaotic beauty.**  
>  **\---J. Iron Word**

The bell signaling the end of lunch made me sit up straight in surprise. I sigh as I carefully put the papers to my folder. This swooning/investigation shall resume tomorrow. For now I head back to the boring real world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ##### Love can bridge  
>  The distance between  
>  Two aching hearts  
>  \---F.C. Phoenix


	5. RAVEN - Ties That Bind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Raven - Part 2  
> Continuation of 'Will's qoutes and Raven's POV.
> 
>  
> 
> ##### The universe will give you what you need,  
>  But you must have the guts to believe in what it has given you.  
>  \---J.M. Storm

The library is unsurprisingly almost empty during lunchbreak. Predictably, students would rather use the one hour break eating and hanging out with friends or goofing around in the scenic famous front gardens of Arcadia High. Very few students actually used the library to study except maybe for Clarke who seems to think it's normal to pass free time here reading books or sketching magnificent work of arts everyday, but Octavia and I are doing well with persuading her to spend the free time with us in the cafeteria instead. She acquiesce our request but sometimes she stood her ground at times when she needs the quiet. Whatever the case I'm glad she didn't need to go here today as I am conducting an investigation that would have promising results if she wasn't involved..yet.

The library is enclosed in its own bubble of calmed silence. The outside world might be engage in thunderous war and the people inside wouldn't even know. Inside these walls, all is calm, quiet, and peaceful. Perhaps this is why Clarke like to spend her time here, she can pretend time stops and get lost in her books. Personally, I only ever used it during mandatory review for exams. The library is too quiet for me. I never knew silence can be deafening too. My study time is usually done at home, in my room with the music blaring in the background. It sounds weird to some people but music really helps me study. Like the chords somehow struck my mind and help me memorize in tune with the music.

I sat at my usual table in the library, at the farthest corner hidden by two racks of books. It has been a month since my last visit in the library. I promised myself I would come back here before today but my academic life has been crazy what with back to back tests and exams, the never ending projects and the countless requirements that senior students have to pass that 'Operation: Unmasking Will' took the backseat for awhile.

Although the past month had been spent on my studies, it's not to say that I've not been busy theorizing possible 'Will' suspects. I even produce a list and I know I have no hard evidence yet but I have a strong suspicion who it was based entirely on deductive reasoning. Actually she had been the forefront person on my mind when I think about who 'Will' might be but her personality is so in contrast and she also never show any indication that she knows anything about this notes. Nevertheless, she is the closest person that fits the mental description of 'Will', (extremely intelligent, stealthy, broad reader, dramatic, and secretly romantic) and really I have no other promising leads so I'll stick with this theory.

I heard the distinctive sound of the library carts' wheels squeaking as it turns the corner to the isle on the far side of my table. Lexa comes into view, head bowed, silently reading the book titles in the library cart. She picks up armload of books and return it to its rightful racks. She is so immersed in thoughts and unbelievably so focused on a task so menial, she doesn't see me right away. I leaned back on my chair as I wait for her to spot me, all the while pondering on the information I have on her.

Lexa's story is tragic and heartbreaking but you wouldn't know just by looking at her. She always had this stoic, determined, and preoccupied look on her face. She stood tall and confident which gives her the aura of detached superiority, so much like Clarke.

Her family moved here two years ago after her father, Commander Gustus Woods, died in the war effort in Iraq. They were a very close knit family and Gustus was a highly regarded man in their community so it was no surprise when they receive an outpouring of love and support. Unfortunately it only adds to their feeling of loss, so with a heavy heart they packed their bags, uprooted their lives and transferred at Arcadia.

Aside from Clarke, Lexa is the most intelligent student in 12th grade. She and her younger brother, Aden, are the only students granted full scholarship in Arcadia High. Full scholarship is a big deal here, awarded only to the best students in academic and moral standing. But the grade requirement needed to maintain the scholarship is very high. There is a monthly evaluation of the granted students' performance and I hear the pressure is unimaginable. No wonder she always aim for the perfect score or at least the least amount of mistakes. She and Clarke are the same on this. Clarke is actually eligible for full scholarship but seeing as her family holds the majority of the school's board, the scholarship was waived to maintain their high class standard.

Lexa dated Arcadia high's hottest cheerleader, Costia upon her transfer here. It was good while it lasted, like Arcadia High's personal fairy tale. They look really good together, happy too. Unfortunately, that happiness lasted only for 7 months. They drifted apart. Lexa was always busy with her studies, work, and family. After the first two months, they were barely seen together. Costia being a cheerleader and always the center of attention, was not use to being set aside for whatever reason. She gave Lexa an ultimatum, demanding more of her time that Lexa doesn't have the luxury of giving. They broke up after that and to my knowledge, had never spoken to each other ever since; avoiding places that will likely have their paths crossed. It helps somewhat that they only have one class together this year.

What's really impressive about Lexa's story is that aside from bearing the pressure of being one of the top student of her batch, she also juggles two part time jobs in order to help support her family. After school, she brings Aden home and ask her friend Luna to look after her brother while she went to work at the exclusive restaurant 'Grounders', as one of their highly requested servers. At school, she applied for work during breaks at the library. I don't know how she manage to excel in her studies and still work two jobs. Studying is hell enough for us average students.

Clarke also works part time in her parents company after school and she excels in her studies as well. Putting all us ordinary students to shame. These two are the epitome of what a perfect student should be. They are similar and different at the same time. Their biggest difference being their financial standing in life. Their other differences are mostly class related. Clarke very seldom recite only when called upon does she really address the class. But on those rare times that she was forced to answer a question or discussed some topic for the class, we were all left speechless and gaping because her answer is always so precise and spot on, citing examples we hadn't even thought of but exactly in context with the lesson. Lexa on the other hand, recite all the time and even volunteer to discuss hard topics in class. She engages in class debates, always emerging the victor except when Clarke decides to join in the debate, then it will be a tie. Only Octavia and I know this: Clarke hates taking down notes so she always borrows mine when reviewing for a quiz or exam. She spent the time allotted for copying notes with sketching life portraits of everyone important to her. In direct contrast to Lexa who always seems to be writing something. When we have an exam, Lexa would be engaging in a last minute review while Clarke rarely study on the hours leading near the exam. She always said that it increased the chance of forgetting some important information when the test comes. Being an artist, Clarke is gifted with photographic memory, retaining information in her mind long after the quiz. She barely look at the notes but memorize it just the same. Their differences aside, they both command the attention of the class whenever they speak or even just enter the room. They are both beautiful and amazing people. And they both infuriatingly perfected the act of hiding their emotions with practiced smile or a stoic look.

Although Lexa and Aden are both in the full scholarship program, money is still tight in the Woods household especially because Aden keeps getting sick. It's no wonder Lexa has to bear the financial responsibility to help her mom who works almost 18 hours in the hospital everyday. Which leaves Lexa no choice but to take care of her brother when their mom is at work, on top of all her other responsibilities.

Lexa reached my table, still completely immersed in her thoughts, I cleared my throat making her startle in surprise.

 **"Raven?"** Lexa asked, confusion written on her face. **"What are you doing here?"**

 **"Last I heard, the library is open to all students."** I replied, teasing.

 **"Yeah it is, but you know.. you don't really go here to study. I barely see you here. Besides I'm certain that we don't have any test, quiz or exam due and no hard assignments yet, which brings me back to my question: What can you possibly be doing here? Shouldn't you be in the cafeteria with your friends?"** Lexa crossed her arms while delivering her long monologue.

 **"What do you think of Clarke?"** I replied, completely ignoring her question.

 **"I'm sorry...Clarke? What do you mean? I don't understand."** Lexa looked taken aback and confuse.

I laughed softly earning me Lexa's glare, **"I mean as a person, what do you think of Clarke?"**

 **"Clarke is one of the smartest person I know. She is kind, strong, beautiful. She's amazing. She is a great person and.."** Lexa abruptly stop talking.

My eyebrows rose with each compliment while my smile widen, she spoke with passion and conviction, like the way she would stand firm and defend her answers in class debates, leaving no room for doubts. **"Wow Lexa!"** I drawled, watching her reaction. **"Those are big praises. Are you sure we're talking about the same Clarke? Your academic rival Clarke?"**

Lexa kept her mouth shut but her rosy cheeks is all the answer I need.

 **"And you think Clarke is beautiful?"** I asked in mock seriousness

Lexa looked up then and answered firmly, **"Yeah, she is!"**

She tilted her head high, green eyes sparkling in defiance.

My smile broke out once again. Maybe I'm unto something here, **"Do you like Clarke?"**

**"Everybody likes Clarke, Raven."**

**"I'm not asking about everybody, I'm asking you."**

Lexa glared at me, **"It's rude to talk about people on their backs Raven."** She admonished.

I laughed then. I couldn't help it. It was clear Lexa is attracted to Clarke but for some unknown reason she wont acknowledge it. This is cute. I wonder what Clarke and Octavia would think of this development.

I picked up one of the printed 'Will's notes and handed it to her. **"What do you think of this?"**

I watched her as she read the notes. She looked impress but her eyes didn't light up with recognition or shock.

> **When God made you,**  
>  **He made a masterpiece,**  
>  **Nothing like the others.**  
>  **No matter how hard He tried**  
>  **To recreate such beauty,**  
>  **The best part He designed**  
>  **Could not be imitated,**  
>  **And that was your heart.**  
>  **\---G.M. Ink**

**"Wow Raven, I didn't know you like poetry. This is pretty good."** Lexa handed me the note back.

I must have looked frustrated for she give me a questioning look. I replied by handing her the rest of the printed 'Will's notes, hoping desperately for something. She hesitated at first, looking at the books she have yet to return to their respective racks before glancing back at the notes. She made up her mind by sitting opposite me and began reading the notes in awed silence.

> **You live in the mountain**  
>  **Of my thoughts,**  
>  **Not hidden but clearly seen**  
>  **In the light of my eyes.**  
>  **\---J. Iron Word**
> 
> **Because of you**  
>  **I can feel myself**  
>  **Slowly but surely**  
>  **Becoming the me,**  
>  **I have always d** **reamed of being.**  
>  **\---Tyler Knott Gregson**
> 
> **Maybe I'm not so blind,**  
>  **Maybe I just chose to see**  
>  **The good in you.**  
>  **\---J.M. Storm**
> 
> **You weren't just a star to me,**  
>  **You were the whole damn sky!**  
>  **\---Unknown**
> 
> **Anywhere with you**  
>  **Is everywhere I want to be.**  
>  **\---J. Iron Word**
> 
> **You are the poem**  
>  **I never know how to write,**  
>  **And this life is the story**  
>  **I have always wanted to tell.**  
>  **\---Tyler Knott Gregson**
> 
> **You are a vibrant soul that hopes for a love**  
>  **That could live in the black and white**  
>  **Pages of a book,**  
>  **A story that comes to life**  
>  **In the imagination of dreamers just like you.**  
>  **\---J. Iron Word**
> 
> **I know you've been broken**  
>  **But I'll love my way into your heart,**  
>  **Through those very same cracks.**  
>  **\---Hugh Cofty**
> 
> **Just a little light that's all I need,**  
>  **Just a little sunlight from you,**  
>  **And I promise I will grow.**  
>  **\---Tyler Knott Gregson**
> 
> **You are my calm, my storm,**  
>  **And everything in between.**  
>  **\---J. Iron Word**
> 
> **I wish you to know**  
>  **That you have been**  
>  **The last dream of my soul.**  
>  **\---Charles Dickens**
> 
> **Give me all of you**  
>  **Not just what the world sees,**  
>  **But the broken parts you hide so well,**  
>  **The parts that pull at my heart,**  
>  **The one's I want to love the most.**  
>  **\---J.M. Storm**
> 
> **I find myself craving**  
>  **every inch of your soul**  
>  **And desiring to explore**  
>  **Every corner of your mind.**  
>  **\---J. Iron Word**
> 
> **In case you ever foolishly forget:**  
>  **I am never not thinking of you.**  
>  **\---Virginia Woolf**
> 
> **You are the moon in my sky,**  
>  **And I will love you for your light.**  
>  **\---Tyler Knott Gregson**
> 
> **I have found a woman**  
>  **Whose beauty matches her soul.**  
>  **Perhaps it was by chance,**  
>  **Or maybe I finally found fate's hand.**  
>  **\---J. Iron Word**
> 
> **Everything carries me to you**  
>  **As if everything that exists,**  
>  **Aromas, lights, metals**  
>  **Were little boat that sail**  
>  **Toward those isle of yours**  
>  **That wait for me**  
>  **\---Pablo Neruda**
> 
> **You are a violent storm of love,**  
>  **The kind of woman**  
>  **That reminds me**  
>  **What it feels like to be alive.**  
>  **\---J. Iron Word**
> 
> **Deep into that darkness peering,**  
>  **Long you stood there**  
>  **Wondering, fearing, doubting,**  
>  **Dreaming dreams no mortal**  
>  **Ever dared to dream before**  
>  **\---Edgar Allan Poe**
> 
> **You are the only person I see,**  
>  **Even in the most crowded rooms,**  
>  **Or busiest of thoughts.**  
>  **\---J. Iron Word**
> 
> **You had that smile,**  
>  **The smile I write about,**  
>  **And dream about,**  
>  **And fill notebooks**  
>  **With ink like ears with whispers about.**  
>  **\---Tyler Knott Gregson**
> 
> **I love you because you matter,**  
>  **And I will do so as long as**  
>  **Butterflies flutter within**  
>  **My beating heart.**  
>  **\---J. Iron Word**
> 
> **I can not remember exactly**  
>  **The first time your soul**  
>  **Whispered to mine**  
>  **But I know you woke it**  
>  **And it has never slept since.**  
>  **\---David Levithan**
> 
> **You're the gunpowder in a firework**  
>  **That lights up the sky,**  
>  **With a personality that holds**  
>  **A rainbow of colors for those**  
>  **Brave enough to play with your fire.**  
>  **\---J. Iron Word**
> 
> **One day you will take my heart completely**  
>  **And make it more fiery than a dragon,**  
>  **Your eyelashes will write on my heart**  
>  **The poem that could never come**  
>  **From the pen of a poet.**  
>  **\---Jalal Rumi**
> 
> **Stars hide your fires,**  
>  **Let not light see**  
>  **Your dark and deep desires.**  
>  **\---Edgar Allan Poe**
> 
> **Your eyes tell a truth of a beautiful mind**  
>  **With a simple but seemingly difficult wish,**  
>  **To be seen for exactly who you are,**  
>  **While standing in complete darkness.**  
>  **\---J. Iron Word**
> 
> **You are a beautiful piece of broken pottery**  
>  **Put back together by your own hands,**  
>  **And a critical world judges your cracks**  
>  **While missing the beauty**  
>  **Of how you made yourself whole again.**  
>  **\---J.M. Storm**
> 
> **Your voice echoes in my heart**  
>  **Putting words to its beat.**  
>  **\---J. Iron Word**
> 
> **I crave you in the most innocent form**  
>  **I crave to say goodnight**  
>  **And give you forehead kisses**  
>  **And to say that I adore you**  
>  **When you feel at your worst.**  
>  **I crave you in ways where I just want**  
>  **To be next to you and nothing more or less.**  
>  **\---Unknown**
> 
> **You aren't human,**  
>  **You are art with a heart.**  
>  **\---J. Iron Word**
> 
> **I fell in love with your courage,**  
>  **Your sincerity, your flaming self respect.**  
>  **And it's these things I'd believe in,**  
>  **Even if the whole world indulged**  
>  **In wild suspicion that**  
>  **You aren't all you should be.**  
>  **I love you,**  
>  **And that is the beginning of everything.**  
>  **\---F. Scott Fitzgerald**

**"These are really good Raven. Thank you for letting me read them. Are these your personal collection?"** Lexa asked, eyes alight and curious.

 **"Did you sent them to Clarke?"** I blurted.

 **"What? Me? No. Why..why would I sent these to Clarke?"** Lexa looked back at the notes, panic lacing her words.

I huffed in frustration, **"Nothing, forget I said anything, Lexa. Listen I need a favor."**

Lexa looked skeptically at me, **"What can I do for you?"**

 **"Clarke's birthday is the day after tomorrow. Me and Octavia are planning a little something special for her and we need to finalize it tomorrow. We need your help in distracting Clarke."** My investigation was a bust but I can at least get something out of this mess.

 **"I'm not saying I will do it but how exactly am I going to distract Clarke?"** Lexa asked.

 **"Trust me, you'll do it. Just think of it as your gift to Clarke, you do want to make her feel special on her birthday right?"** Lexa looked like she was about to protest, I place my hand on top of hers startling her. **"Please Lexa, for Clarke? I know you spend lunch here but just tomorrow can you come to our table and accompany Clarke? Octavia and me have some last minute preparations to do so we will leave her to your capable hands just for tomorrow. Please."**

Lexa stared at me for a long time. Her shining green eyes betrayed the battle raging in her mind. Finally she nodded and locked eyes with mine.

**"Ok, I'll be there."**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ##### As children:  
>  We were fascinated by magic  
>  As adults:  
>  We fear love  
>  At what point did we forget,  
>  They are the same thing?  
>  \---J.R. Rogue


	6. LEXA - The Unreachable Star

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ##### Blazing fast too,  
>  Flying thru the blue,  
>  With the sky below,  
>  Her heart beats true.  
>  \---A. Bentley

I released the deep breath I didn't know I was holding, as soon as Raven exited the library 10 minutes before lunch break ends. My smile instantly faded as I felt my body sag and I hold on to the table for support. I hold still for a few minutes to steady my breathing. It was too close. When I was stable enough, I asked permission from our head librarian to take the day off tomorrow to take care of something which she granted.

I saw Raven last month, she was reading my photographed notes in the far corner of the library. She was too engrossed with reading them that she didn't saw me silently approached. As soon as I saw them I backed up behind the nearest racks of books. I was angry at first because those were private notes and handpicked poetry intended for Clarke's eyes only. I knew I had no right to be angry seeing as I wasn't even brave enough to give them to Clarke personally, so I took calming breaths instead and avoided Raven and Octavia since then.

I was thinking about Aden's latest medical bill when Raven called my attention awhile ago, I was completely taken aback, not expecting her to be there again. I subtly scanned her table and saw that sure enough she was reading the notes again. Knowing the inevitable coming inquisition, I called upon all my theatrical talent and gave the illusion of calm and curious persona. Thankfully no one here knew of my famous theater legacy from my previous school. But when Raven point blank asked me if I sent them to Clarke I was sure my panic seeps thru my voice, unable to look at her eyes I looked at the notes instead. Fortunately for me, Raven didn't notice my slip up.

I always knew the time will come that Clarke will know I am the one sending her those notes but I didn't want her friends to be the first to find out. I knew Raven and Octavia were searching since last year; going through students internet history records in the library and the actual log of books borrowed by students. They even ask random students if they like poetry or to quote poetry to them. I was nervous at first but I'm confident enough that they wouldn't catch me, I am the daughter of a renowned commander, I know how to cover my tracks. Besides I don't search poetry in the internet, that's the lazy way to do things, I find it in actual books that I've read or owned. Overtime, I become amused with their questioning and subtle observation. I noticed Clarke doesn't participate in their little investigation so it means her friends are doing this without her knowledge.

Whatever the case, I watched Clarke's eyes subtly each time she read them in the locker area and I was satisfied to see them light up every time. I don't trust Clarke's smile which she wear every time. They do not tell the real story. Since the first time I saw the famous Clarke Griffin, her eyes were always sad. It was worst when I first transferred in Arcadia, she was always smiling even then but her eyes, oh God, her deep blue eyes are like the turbulent waters of the sea. Those eyes that called to me and make me want to drown in them, they are filled with a sadness so deep, staring at them for an extended period of time will cause me to weep. Those are the eyes of someone who went to hell and back, the eyes of someone who lived a thousand years and suffered through its entirety, the eyes of someone who've experienced the grip of death. It was so evident in her eyes it was practically screaming and I'm surprised no one ever took notice except maybe her friends. I imagine the effort to put on that smile day after day, must be truly monumental. Despite all that, Clarke has always been and will always be my star. The one I look up to, steadily shining against this dark world. Someone to adore from afar but someone I can never have.

Clarke deserve to know first before anyone else but I'm not yet ready to tell her. I fear I may never be ready. I made those notes for the sole purpose of making her feel how special and amazing she is and nothing more. I don't want her to think I expect something in return for this, because I don't, that's why I never put my name on those notes. I'm lucky enough to have known her, to sometimes be in the same room as her. I have accepted that I will never be the moon or even the same star lucky enough to stand beside her.

Each classroom of Arcadia High has seats arranged in a U-patterned descending podium. At the beginning of the year, the teacher assigned our seats which we will use for the entire year. The vacant space at the center is used by the teachers as they pace the room while lecturing, sometimes used for presentation purposes. My seat is directly facing Clarke's. I always find myself staring at her, always when she isn't looking, or her head is bowed down. I felt her looking at me too at various times, for extended period of time making my heart double its beat. I go crazy thinking what's going on in that wonderful mind of hers. Right now though, I avoided looking at her, I'm too nervous about tomorrow. I had half a mind to tell Raven I changed my mind but decided against it.

When the bell rang after my last class, I went out of the room quickly in search of Aden. He was already at the gate waiting for me. We always go home together after school, me jogging and him pedaling slowly matching my pace. This is our daily routine and also like our bonding time because we don't really have much time together and I feel guilty about it but I have no choice. We need all the money we can spare.

 **"Lexa, I meant to tell you not to give me lunch money anymore"** Aden said while handing me 10 dollars, his one week worth of lunch money.

 **"What? Why?"** I asked, completely dumbfounded.

**"Cause one of my teacher always gave me lunch so you can take my portion of lunch, Lexa."**

**"Why would she do that? What did she want in return?"** I stopped in my tracks, confused.

**"Nothing, Lexa. She said it was reward for always getting the highest score and reciting everyday."**

**"Aden, you shouldn't have accepted."** I said sternly.

 **"Why Lexa? Because I don't deserve it?"** Aden looked at me, hurt painted in his eyes.

 **"Of course not buddy! You deserve everything! It's just you know, maybe this is imposing on her. Teachers don't really have that much money."** I replied, eyes apologetic.

**"She said not to worry about it. That she always packed extra lunch for her highest ranking students and you know I always get the highest scores Lexa."**

**"Yeah, because you are a genius. Ok, I'll just have to thank her then. What's your teacher's name?"**

Aden looked at me in panic, **"Lexa you can't do that! She specifically requested that this be our secret and I'm not to say it to any other soul."**

I narrowed my eyes at Aden, **"Ok, now I am intensely curious and suspicious about this. Are you sure she didn't ask for anything in return?"**

 **"Yes Lexa, I'm sure. She just doesn't want others knowing because they might get jealous and ask for packed lunch too. Look, just please let me have this Lexa. This gives me the opportunity to help in our situation and I want to help Lexa. I do. Can't you just let me have this?"** He looked at me with pleading eyes and my heart ache for him wanting to help when he never should carry that burden, at least not yet.

 **"You don't have to help Aden, it isn't your responsibility. It's mine and Mom's, but if you really want this, then I'll let it happen."** I said reassuring him. **"What kind of lunch does she gives you anyway?"**

 **"Sometimes it's lamb or steak with fresh salad, fresh cow's milk. And oh, there's also blueberry pancakes."** He replied, smiling widely.

I looked at Aden horrified. **"Oh my God Aden! That is a very fancy lunch. And blueberry pancakes, seriously? You can not accept it! It's too much! I thought it was just a sandwich and apple or something, not this. If she keeps giving you this kind of lunch everyday, there wont be any salary left for her."** I was shocked and furious.

 **"Lexa you said you'll let me have this? You said you'll let it happen!"** Aden whispered, he looked betrayed.

 **"I did but that was before I knew. This is too much Aden. I'm sorry but you can't. It's not right."** I was pleading with him to see reason

 **"She said they have a family farm and that it's all organic and good for me. Please, please Lexa. Let this go, please."** Dear God, he looked on the verge of tears.

I exhaled slowly. I can't say no when he begs. I hugged him tight. **"Ok I'll let it go but I feel like I should thank her for this. It's only proper."**

 **"No need Lexa. I thank her enough for us. She's just a really good person. Just like you Lexa."** Aden replied, smiling.

I smiled while ruffling his hair,  **"Ok buddy, no need to flatter me, I already agreed to let it go."**

Aden smiled widely at me before pedaling faster, **"Race you home!"** I laughed as I ran to catch up with him. Luna was already waiting for us at home. She works on the same restaurant as me but on the morning shift. She's a very good friend who helps a lot by looking after Aden when I'm at work and never accepting any payment except dinner. She has grown attached to Aden as well seeing as she was an only child and her parents are on another state. I am very lucky to have her as my friend.

 **"Go Lexa, I'll take care of Aden. The restaurant's almost full when I left and Anya is already losing her shit"** Luna said, smiling fondly.

" **She always losses her shit with or without customers"** I laughed. I quickly changed into my work uniform and bade Aden and Luna farewell.

I arrived at 'The Grounders' just in time to see Anya almost hit a customer, thankfully our manager, Ryder, stepped in and directed Anya to the kitchen. I sighed as I quicken my pace.

 **"Anya, get a hold of yourself! How many times do I have to remind you not to engage in fights especially with our customers?"** Ryder admonished, exasperated.

 **"I'm sorry boss but I wont just stand there and let that man disrespect me no matter how rich he is. The nerve of that old man. He even looks at me like he's undressing me, ugh! I can't, I'm sorry boss!"** Anya was pacing the kitchen, tension rolled of her in waves.

I tapped Ryder, **"I'll deal with this sir, go on out front. We'll follow shortly."**

 **"Oh thank God Lexa, you came just in time. Please deal with this quietly, the restaurant's filling up fast for dinner. I need you two in your best behavior in 10 minutes. Especially you Anya."** Ryder looked at us with a very serious expression before heading out.

I turned to face my best friend, **"Seriously Anya? We talked about this. Do you want to be unemployed? Ryder's nearing the end of his patience, don't push it. I told you before to just ignore their comments and just be professional with them, they'll take the hint and back off eventually."**

**"That's why you're their favorite server Lexa, cause you put up with their shit. I am so over this, I hate rich people and all their self entitled bullshit."**

**"They are not all bad Anya."** I implored.

 **"Oh right, your perfect little star Clarke Griffin! How is Clarky by the way? Does she know already that you're the one who sends her those lovesick notes you stayed up late at night making like the lovesick puppy you are."** Anya looked at me with a smug look on her face.

I glared at her, **"You're lucky you are my best friend Anya, otherwise your words will earn you the beating I was famous for giving back in the days. And don't call her Clarky! Her name is Clarke."** I winced at the nickname.

 **"Oooh I'm so scared little commander! I say bring it! I am famous for fighting too you know. And Clarky suits her just fine, it sounds cute"** Anya sticks out her tongue like the little kid that she is.

I rolled my eyes at her, **"Ok let's stop this nonsense, we'll discuss this some other time. Get your shit together Anya, we have customers to feed. I'm serious! We both need this job, don't mess this up, ok?"**

Anya sigh as she looked at me and nodded, **"You're right we need this job, alright let's do this. Oh and before I forgot here's your precious paper for your lovesick notes to Clarky"** Anya handed me 20 pieces of special paper, smirking.

I swatted her arm as I thank her. She winked at me before heading to the dining area, leaving me alone with my thoughts. This special kind of paper is handmade by me and it involves a lot of process and a bit of chemicals for the papyrus look and the pine and mint scent. The last part of the process is drying it out in the sun and since I'm at school the whole day, Anya offered to dry it for me. My father taught me how to make them. He said he learned it from a fellow soldier while on tour in Asia and used it to write love letters to Mom. The scent actually stays long, some of his letters smell like pine trees on a summer day. His letters always made Mom happy which inspired me to write those notes for Clarke using Dad's special paper, hoping it will give her even a little bit of happiness. I decided to write the quick note now, for tomorrow. Picking from memory, I wrote the words with utmost care, using intricate Calligraphy my Dad taught me.

> **You could be the leaf,**  
>  **That never falls from the tree.**  
>  **You could be the sun,**  
>  **That never leaves the sky.**  
>  **This might be the happy ending,**  
>  **Without the ending.**  
>  **This might be a reason to try.**  
>  **\---David Levithan**

I smiled at my work satisfied. I tied it with bark thread and proceeded to attached the white and red paper carnation flower from my collection. I placed it in a box so as not to crumpled it. I went out and face my job with a genuine smile to my face. The night went by in a blur, I got caught up with the busy flurry of activities, serving exotic foods to as many customers that requested me and taking home a $50 tip. I remembered thinking before I fell asleep that tomorrow might not be that scary.

* * *

 

The next day started out great. I woke up earlier than usual. I made breakfast for three, helped Aden prepare for school and checked on Mom. I left home ahead of Aden in order to do my task. Reaching Clarke's locker, I slipped the note inside her private small locker before heading to the front gardens to await the arrival of Clarke.

The moment I saw her I knew something was wrong. She was wearing a dark mirror sunglasses and as soon as her parents car left, she took a dark hoodie trench coat from her bag and wore it. She looks like a very beautiful but dangerous rich warrior like all those great action movies. I was gaping along with the entire population of Arcadia High, everyone just stopped whatever they were doing and flat out stared at her. Clarke held her head high, her ever present smile is noticeably absent, looking straight ahead, walking fast and purposeful. She strode right pass Octavia and Raven and head straight to the Principal's office. Raven and Octavia looked at each other in shock, before following Clarke. They were however, not allowed entrance to the office. Clarke stayed there until first period rang.

She went inside the classroom and sat at her chair. A deep awkward silence descended upon the room. I can't look at Clarke because I felt her intense eyes on me beyond those dark sunglasses, my heart is rocketing through the roof, my breath is coming in short gasps. I busied myself with my book and sigh in relief when our teacher strode in. At least I would have something else to think about. Our teacher looked startled at Clarke's unusual look but continue on with his lesson. I sneak a glance at Clarke, and saw that both Octavia and Raven are trying to get her attention but she wasn't speaking to them, she was resolutely staring straight ahead.. right at me. I quickly looked away as I swallowed hard. My heartbeat has not returned to its normal beat and I deeply feared that I'm going to have a heart attack any moment now. I forced myself to looked at my book instead and try to keep up with the lesson. After reading the same sentence 10 times and still not grasping its meaning, I gave up the pretense and looked up to our teacher's instead. I felt Clarke's gaze the entire class and I swear for the first time, I did not learn anything on that class, not a single word.

I excused myself on 2nd period telling my teacher I need to go to the clinic as I'm not feeling well. My teacher agreed and I spent the entire hour there clutching my chest until finally the nurse ordered me to go to 3rd period as all my test results came out healthy. I made my way to my chair and saw that Clarke was now head bowed and sketching. I exhaled softly. Our teacher entered the room head bowed as he rummage through his thick stacks of paper. He placed his things at the table then turned to face us. His eyes went to Clarke and he frowned.

**"Ms.Griffin, please remove your sunglasses when inside the classroom."**

The whole class perk up and watched the scene with bated breath. Clarke slowly sit up straight, dropped her pencil and in a cold and dangerous tone said:  
**"The sunglasses stays on, at least for today."**

Our teacher, Mr. Braxton, laughed uncomfortably before replying, **"Clarke, the sun isn't shining here inside. Perhaps you'd like to reconsider and wear it later after class."** The class erupts in polite laughter.

Clarke stood up deliberately slow, and like magic the whole class shut up. She looked straight at Mr. Braxton then took out her phone, **"Mr. Braxton is it? Perhaps I should let Mom or Dad tell you to let me keep my sunglasses today, shall I call them now?"** Her voice was icy and threatening, I've never heard her speak like this.

Mr. Braxton rushed to Clarke's position, **"Please, please..Ms.Griffin there is no need for that, it's perfectly fine. You can wear your sunglasses here for as long as you want."** He stuttered.

 **"Are you certain? I can call them right now, its no trouble. For your peace of mind, Mr. Braxton"** she was relentless and sexy as hell.

 **"No, no. I'm quite certain Ms.Griffin. Please. We can start our lesson now. You may do as you wish Ms.Griffin"** Mr. Braxton was practically bowing now.

Clarke looked at him a full minute before slowly sitting down and continuing her sketch, completely ignoring everyone. Mr. Braxton begins his lesson tentatively as the whole class tried to focus their attention to the lesson at hand I couldn't keep my eyes away from Clarke.

The bell for lunch came and everyone quickly rush out. I'm absolutely dreading this now especially the way Clarke's been acting, I fear I wont survive today. But I made a promise and I don't break promises. I gathered my things and shouldered on to the cafeteria. Clarke, Octavia and Raven was already seated at their usual table as I approached, each step heavier than the last.

**"Hi, can I..can I join you guys? I have some questions for our.. assignment."**

( _Very smooth Lexa, Get it together_ )

Raven looked at me with barely restrained relief, **"Hey Lexa, join us. Actually Clarke, Octavia and I have to go do this group project thing will you be ok?"** Raven sounded hesitant and a hint of fear. Octavia looked lost and confused.

Clarke nodded as she continued to eat her sandwich. Raven and Octavia left after giving me mixed look of gratitude and contrite. I sat opposite Clarke. **"Uhm, so about our assignment in.."**

 **"Cut the crap Lexa! We both know you don't need my help with any assignment, you do great on your own. If my friends forced you into accompanying me to lunch, don't mind them. Go do what you intend to do."** Her voice was cutting and harsh.

 **"Oh..I'm sorry. Yeah, sorry to intrude.."** I stood up quickly, shame pooling in my gut.

She sighed as she asked, **"Lexa, is there anything, anything at all that you wish to tell me?"**

 **"I..I ahm..I like..I like your sunglasses"** I am a mess, complete mess.

 **"Alright then..good bye."** Her voice sounded sad and resigned. She bowed her head dismissing my presence. My heart ached for her. I looked at her, making sure she wont hear as I whispered,

**"I love you."**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ##### She was never  
>  on the same page,  
>  As the people around her,  
>  Sometimes ahead,  
>  Sometimes behind,  
>  Always in a different chapter,  
>  Sometimes even in a  
>  Completely different book.  
>  \---M.H.A.


	7. CLARKE - The Absence of Light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is one of the darkest chapter, please do not read this chapter if suicide, death and dark thoughts trigger you. 
> 
> If you decide to continue however, I apologize in advance.
> 
> Sometimes we have to embrace the darkness to appreciate the light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ##### She always felt like  
>  she was different.  
>  People often complimented  
>  her beauty,  
>  And she would smile  
>  as she thanked them  
>  But there was more to her,  
>  More to the way  
>  she loved and cared,  
>  Not just for some people  
>  but for everyone,  
>  Feeling their every  
>  joy and pain.  
>  \---J. Iron Word

There is a certain quiet calm in the middle of the night, when everyone is fast asleep yet I lie awake on the roof of our house at 3 am; body worn out after the long day I had, heart pounding with stress, and raging mind exhausted for the day yet sleep still eludes me. I know this should trouble me and it probably should but I can't find the will to fight it. It's the same thing every night. This has become the new normal for me.

I watched the stars, little pinpricks of light, shining magnificently into the vast darkness of the sky, with the full moon adding its own brilliance. I am awashed with the majestic beauty of the night, the kind of beauty that inspired countless writers to write flawless poetry and many singers to compose timeless ballads, it is the kind of beauty that inspired lovers from all over the world to bare their heart and soul, the kind of beauty that used to leave me breathless and itching to draw it in canvass, but right at this moment, this beauty is lost on me. This beauty mocks me. It only seems to remind me of clear moonlight bright eyes, looking at me with the intoxicating mix of love and devotion and how that instantly morphed into hurt and betrayal. How can the night be this breathtaking when its supposed to be gloomy and bleak like the dark tumultuous clouds that forever hangs above my head.

Today marks one year since my world collapse. A year since the darkness enveloped me and I drown in its never ending blackness. It all started that one fateful night when I lost Finn and I lost everything that mattered to me.

* * *

 

Our love story wasn't your typical teen romance story as seen on TV. It was an epic love story kept in secret, a treasure buried deep in our young hearts, a tragic modern Romeo and Juliet. We were born in a role that we never wanted but is ours just the same. A role with power but tied to responsibility. Too much is expected of us. A princess and a prince who wants nothing more than to be an ordinary citizen.

He was the only son of our fiercest competitor, the young CEO in training of Collins Global Trade. He was a bright star, charming, and so full of life. But there was a darkness to him unknown by his loved ones. It was a darkness filled with sadness and depression that is a dark contrast to his enthusiastic public personality. It was this familiar kind of sadness that bonded us together. It's the sadness that comes from the high pressure and expectations from our parents, the failures and disappointments of our actions, and the burden of carrying it alone. At such a young age we stood alone in a sea of hundreds of people at our beck and call; ready to offer service should we require, alone in a sea of the thousands upon thousands of admirers that looked upon us with awe and reverence, alone still in the gritty world of business and corporate trades where nobody is who they say they are; they are wolves in sheep clothing, concern only with furthering their own personal agendas. Our parents left us to stand alone among the wolves of the industry so that we will learn to be independent and stand on our own feet, without any assistance from them. Our parents treated us like their prized trophies, expecting us to be perfect at all times. It is here, while facing our wolves that we found each other. In our dark world, we held each other up and kept each other afloat. We were each others' tether to sanity and guide to keeping the madness at bay.

So starts a love built upon shared looks and hidden smiles, long email conversations, late night calls using my contraband phone, hidden hugs and kisses during business events, love letters from him and sketches from me. It was young, innocent and pure love. We felt it so strongly, the power of first love. For the first time, we couldn't wipe the smiles off of our face and they were genuine and warm. We felt invincible and able to take on the world, drawing strength from each other even when we are constantly apart. We see each other once a week at the small cliff overlooking the city at the edge of our property. I slipped away at night, when all is quiet and my parents are fast asleep. That cliff was our special place, away from the judging eyes of the press and away from our parents' competitive corporate wars. The night spent there were always magical and memorable. From that high up, the sky seems to be within reach and the thousand stars scattered gives off an otherworldly glow. I treasured our times together for they give me motivation to go on at times when Dad and Mom becomes too overbearing.

On the night of our first anniversary, the day before my birthday, I went to the cliff and was surprised to see Lincoln, my personal security detail, standing beside Finn. He is older than me by 3 years and had already served in the army with distinction. At such a young age, he was already awarded the Purple Heart Medal for being shot near the heart while single handedly rescuing two squad mates from the line of enemy fire. He left the army thereafter and was immediately hired by Dad to be my secret personal bodyguard. He had became my friend since he caught me that first night I slipped out to meet Finn and agreed to keep our secret. He always accompanies me to the cliff then keep to the shadows to give us privacy. That night, Finn had asked for his help to set up his surprise anniversary date since it's on our property and he can't bring his people over. There were candles surrounding a small white tent near the cliff's edge, housing a small feast he had spread out in picnic mats. It was perfect. Lincoln smiled at me, patted Finn in the back and quietly slipped through the trees. Finn approached me slowly with a shy smile and hugged me tightly. He noticed me lightly shivering through the cold and immediately removed his favorite black hoodie trench coat and helped me put it on. It smelled just like him, leaving me in a heady daze. He looked so handsome wearing a sky blue long sleeve polo and black slacks with designer black boots, his normally wild tousled hair was arranged in an effortless casual look. He looked very much like a prince from the royal family; regal and perfect. He excused himself and briefly went inside the tent to retrieve something. I watched as he excitedly went out the tent and held out a bouquet of blue roses for me. I let out a small gasp of surprised breath as I accepted them.

 **"Blue roses are extremely rare. I chose this color because it reminds me of your eyes and also because it means _"loving the impossible"_ and that is you, my unattainable love. Clarke Griffin, you turned the _'impossible'_ to _'I'm possible'_ and I couldn't have been more lucky even if the world doesn't know that you chose me. Happy Anniversary and Advance Happy Birthday!"** Tears were slowly streaming down his face just as I couldn't hold back mine.

I smiled through the tears as I held the flowers reverently. I was speechless and overwhelmed. I gaze at his moonlight bright eyes full of love and devotion. I placed my trembling fingers on his cheeks, tenderly wiping away his tears. Then without warning he knelt down and looked up at me. I looked at him in panic.

 **"Finn, what are you doing? Finn? Please don't do what I think you are going to do. Finn, please stand up."** I was practically begging him.

Finn ignored my questions and took my hand instead. My heart was roaring and my mind was desperately hoping he will not push thru with whatever he is planning. We are both so young and our families don't even know about us yet. He looked at me seriously, lightly squeezing my hand.

**"Clarke Griffin, I belong to you and no one else. You are the other half of my soul and I can no longer go on living being separated from you. I want the world to know, I want everyone to know about us."**

**"Finn, please stop. Please."** I pleaded, kneeling down too. Please not this talk again.

He held my hand tighter, ignoring my pleas, **"To hell with our parents and the press. You are more important to me. I know I already asked you twice before and twice you've refused me too. But today is the last time I will ask Clarke, after this I will no longer ask again: Clarke, will you run away with me?"**

 **"Finn, I can't..You know I can't..We can't..We talked about this."** I was sobbing now, unable to hold back the emotions spilling over my heart.

 **"Please reconsider. Clarke, if you really love me. Please. I have never ask anything from you. I promise I will take care of you. Please."** He sounds so broken, it breaks my heart.

 **"You know I love you Finn..I do. But you can't ask this of me..please..I can't. My parents, our parents.. This will break them, and they will find us! We are both still young..We can..plan it in the future, just..not now."** I hugged him as tight as I can.

He broke away from my hug, tears streaming down his face, his eyes filled with deep hurt and betrayal while slowly walking backwards, **"Then you don't really love me Clarke. I see now that you will never choose me."** He was steadily backing away.

I stood up and tried to reach for him, but he just backed away. **"Don't say that, I love you Finn. You, you make me happy!"**

He shook his head repeatedly and I panic as I saw the shiver in his body and the deep pain and panic reflected in his eyes. The last time he looked like that was when his father berated him in front of the press for making a small mistake, _**"You are a disgrace to my name and a person as incompetent as you is no son of mine!"**_ he ran away and locked himself in his room. Thankfully his father followed him, maybe to reprimand him some more for walking out on him but he was instead shocked to find his son convulsing uncontrollably having drank the whole bottle of pills on his bedside table. He was rushed to the emergency and they were able to expel all the pills, saving his life. He wore that same look now, both hands raised in front of him, not wanting me to come any closer. His back was just a few feet to the edge of the cliff. I approached him cautiously.

 **"Finn what are you doing? Please come back here, let's talk. Please Finn."** my voice broke.

 **"I told you this will be the last time I asked Clarke, and I meant it. Remember that I love you always."** He whispered, voice laced with so much sadness, I wanted to weep.

He backed away some more, my heart is racing **"Please Finn, move away from the edge."**

I rush to his side but he gently pushed me away. I fell near the tent, the chords tangling on my feet. I looked back at him in panic as I shouted Lincoln's name. Lincoln came rushing from the woods and immediately helped me disentangle myself from the chords. We both ran towards Finn.

 **"I've always wanted to fly.. Goodbye Clarke.."** his voice was barely a whisper, A strangled sob escaped My lips.

I grabbed Finn's hand just as he took the last step back plunging him to darkness, his hands slipping away from mine. I felt my body slowly begin to fall but Lincoln pulled me from the edge just in time. I tried to break free from his hold, I needed to save Finn, I needed to see him one last time. But he wouldn't budge. He hugged me tight whispering **"I'm sorry.."** over and over, as he rubbed my back.

I shook my head in denial even as I felt my legs tremble and I crumpled to the ground. I let out an anguished scream that shook the whole cliff. Lincoln held me as I screamed and screamed until my voice became hoarse. My heart shattering into a million pieces for the boy who used to be my everything, but I didn't have the care to put it back together. I deserved to be broken. I destroyed everything I loved. The heartbreak and shock was too much, I passed out a minute later.

Through all these, the moon and stars continue to shine, illuminating the image of a broken girl held by a boy who was tasked to protect her but can not protect her from this pain, surrounded by the vast expanse of trees near the edge of the cliff where her world just plummeted to the ground. Shakespeare's words comes unbidden from their thoughts: _**"These violent delights have violent ends."**_

I woke up shivering in my room, my Mom silently crying as she hovers over me and wiped the tears from my eyes. This was the first time I've ever seen her cry. Dad was angrily pacing my room, tension coiled in his every step. Lincoln was at the foot of my bed, head bowed, accepting the accusations of my stepfather for letting all this happen and not telling them about this 'outrageous affair'. He wanted to fire Lincoln but I pleaded that he remain as my personal bodyguard and Dad reluctantly agreed. My mind was still in shock and in complete denial of what happened. But each time I closed my eyes I saw it play out, over and over again, like a broken video playing on a loop: Finn taking the final step backward; Finn whispering _**"Goodbye Clarke.."**_ ; me not getting to him in time; me, the reason he jumped. I would never again see his brilliant smile, never again hear him whisper _**"I love you"**_ , never again feel his arms embrace me making me feel safe and loved. My whole body hurt and ache like hell; it was like my heart couldn't contain all the hurt so it pump it to my whole body, I felt the pain rushing in my bloodstream.

As much as I hate our wealth, I am constantly amazed by its power. The death of Finn shook our lives. Dad made the dreaded phone call, informing Finn's parents of what happened. They were furious and told us they will sue us in court for possible foul play until Dad offered them 30 percent shares in our company for free in which case they bargained for a higher percentage and finally settling at 40 percent shares ownership. It enraged me that his parents doesn't seem to be the parents mourning the lost of their child but rather they were acting like they lost a very important advantage / leverage. They do not deserve to have kind, loving Finn as their son, no wonder he wanted to run away from them.

The death of Finn was the news headline the next day. The sole heir of the Collins magnate now gone. On the months following however, the business world was shocked once more upon the news of the Collins Family buying 40 percent shares of its competitor's large business empire. It was seen as a merger of two huge corporate giants, the world completely unaware of the tragic real story behind this merger. My family name was never mentioned regarding Finn's death, they made it look like he went out on a spontaneous hike and slipped midway causing him to fall to his death. My name and our love was never mentioned in any news article and I was deeply glad. Our love was a secret private treasure that will never be taken by anyone.

The next day was my birthday and although I was grieving, my parents made me go to school to keep up appearances. I agreed because I realized that my parents love me in their own strange ways even if they are hard on me most of the time. Dad gave up his pride and 40 percent of his precious shares from the company he built with his own two hands while Mom who criticizes me most of the time, stayed silent regarding the whole ordeal and just held me through the day. I messed up a bit on school that day, I'm sure almost everyone noticed but my parents allowed me to have an off day. The next day I will resume my never ending pursuit of perfection but until then I grieved alone, my heart breaking continuously. The little things remind me of him, apples: his favorite fruit, Everyday: his favorite book, my limited edition gold pencil: his gift, even my eyes: reminding me of blue roses, his hoodie trench coat: he wears it all the time; the moon and stars: silent witnesses to our story. And every time, I shed tears in honor of him. It is a wonder how I manage to still stood upright and face the world. Like the words of the great Edgar Allan Poe:  _ **"And all I loved, I loved alone."**_

* * *

 

A bitter smile find its way to my lips as I continue gazing at the night sky. Memories of that night still haunts me. I gently removed the dark sunglasses covering my eyes and let the never ending tears flow. My eyes are swelling from crying the entire day.

I remembered Dad was the first one to noticed me wearing sunglasses this morning, and proceeded to reprimand me while forcefully removing it from my eyes. He stood shocked, along with Mom who just entered the kitchen, to see my red rimmed, puffy eyes.

I bowed my head and whispered **"Finn.."**

They both looked at the calendar before sharing a look. Dad silently handed me back my dark sunglasses and said in a rare soft voice, **"Only for today."** To which I nod.

Mom called the school and spoke with the principal, telling him that I was to go directly to his office to rest before the first period starts. I was not to be disturbed or asked about wearing my sunglasses for that day.

I hugged them both, extremely thankful. I needed this day off and I'm very thankful they are giving me permission to have it. This is the one day in a year that I couldn't be bothered to put on my required smiles and to care about what anybody else thinks. I forget all the rules and didn't even bothered to give the pretense of listening to class. I completely shut off my mind and gave in to my heart.

Thankful of our convenient assigned sitting arrangement, I took my seat as soon as I entered the room and stared straight ahead to the only person I ever want to see that day, Lexa. If today is the only off day I get then I will not waste a minute of it. I stared at her the entire first period, committing her to memory least I forget. Her gorgeous intense green eyes glanced at me once, probably out of curiosity and nothing else. She is always thinking of something and rushing to work, never having a free time to just stay still in one place. Nothing ever captivates her attention.

I have always been fascinated with Lexa. Since that first day she was introduced as the new student. The beautiful brunette haired, green eyed scholar that held the class attention. Every time she recites or discussed topics in front of the entire class, I looked at her in awe and admiration for having the courage to stand up and make her voice heard. I find that very hard to do, choosing instead to embrace the silence, only speaking up when absolutely necessary. She works after school in the most exclusive and expensive restaurant in the city and I recently learned that she works part time in the library as well. She has her plate full and still finds time to look after her younger brother Aden, whenever he gets sick and confined at the hospital. She loves her Mom as well, going to the hospital just to bring her lunch on Saturdays and Sundays.

Lexa's list of good qualities goes on and on. She is pure and good. She is selfless and untainted. Life gives her shit on a daily basis but she rose up every time without complaint. Instead of surrendering when things get tough, she fought on. She is the only person aside from me and Finn, who understand what it means to sacrifice so much so that your loved ones will be happy. But unlike Finn and I, Lexa wasn't born with the heavy burden of responsibility on her shoulders, rather she took on the mantle of hardship and service and made it her responsibility to take care of her family. Also unlike Finn and I, who carries darkness in our hearts, her heart carries only Light and with its every beat, she gives out pure Light. Everything is bright and beautiful when she is around. The dark clouds that constantly hangs above my head seem to part and I see sunrise again in her. My smiles always break out without thought when I see her, genuine and real. Although we only ever spoke a few times about academics and our studies, there were a few instances that I caught myself absently staring at nothing and building hopes and dreams about her. She is someone I can never have but what my heart will always yearn for.

Then there is 'Will' my ever mysterious admirer who had been sending me beautiful quotes that really tugs on my heart strings. This might not seem much to some people but 'Will' is the reason why I am still alive today.

Finn's death had left me scarred and I don't think my heart ever recovered from the clutches of sadness. It has triggered my depression and since then Darkness has shrouded my days. Without Finn, I faced this darkness alone. I have felt pain so tragic and encompassing that even breathing hurts. A lot of times I felt a sorrow so deep it engulfs my being. It is a never ending sadness where life is just a dark tunnel with no end and no light in sight, I can't move, I can't even break away. The pain woke me at random times at night , there is no escaping this pain; it is constant and unyielding. It envelops my very soul with a loneliness so deep sometimes I don't remember what happiness felt like. No one notices that I am slowly drowning in this infinite sea of pain and misery where everyday is a heartbreak on repeat and every moment is a struggle to find a reason to keep breathing and keep existing in this dark world. They only see the smile that I wear everyday to escape their questions because how can I explain to them this sadness when I don't even understand it myself.

When the darkness overwhelmed me, and I saw how pointless my life was, I took out the small dagger hidden under my bed and placed it on my wrist ready to cut skin then 'Will's quote flashed in my mind,  
( _ **I want to give you the sun and stars..**_ ) and I sobbed through the night as I dropped the dagger.

This happened a few more times with different methods:  
Me standing at the edge of the rooftop of one of our buildings, one foot in the air ( _ **..you shine the brightest of all..**_ ) I scrambled off the ledge.

Me standing on a chair, a thick rope encircling my neck ( ** _I'm not ready to lose you.._** ) I climbed down the chair.

Me lowering myself in a bath tub full of water with no plan on getting up again ( _ **..would do anything to keep you..**_ ) I hoisted myself up.

Me pointing Dad's gun to my head, finger at the trigger ( _ **you are still the most beautiful human..**_ ) I threw the gun on my bed.

Me getting ready to drink a full bottle of pills ( _ **you are the poetry behind my words**_ ) I flush the pills in the toilet.

Me standing stock still in the middle of the traffic ( _ **..you don't realize just how amazing you are..**_ ) I immediately cross the street.

 _**(..Most perfect woman ever formed)** _  
_**(..you needed to be found..)** _  
_**(You were enough..)** _  
_**(..you deserved more)** _  
_**(You are the storm over calm waters..)** _  
_**(You are color in a black and white movie..)** _  
_**(..You are oxygen in a vacuum..)** _  
_**(You are the kind of strong that makes me weak..)** _  
_**(..I just chose to see the good in you)** _  
_**(I'll love my way into your heart..)** _  
_**(..I am never not thinking of you)** _  
_**(You are the moon in my sky..)** _

With every word from 'Will' I find calm and happiness in small bits and pieces, but it is enough to keep the darkness at bay.

I feel conflicted for falling for two different persons at the same time but I couldn't help it. Sometimes I hear Lexa's voice reading 'Will's note in my mind because I wanted it to be her but I know it's impossible. She never saw me the way she saw Costia, and she still has a lot going on in her life to take time to write me this notes, it's ridiculous to even think about it. I even asked Lexa point blank at lunch if she have something to tell me, I had given her the opening and if she was 'Will' she would have taken the opportunity to say so. Instead she just mentions my sunglasses, and I felt pathetically disappointed. But I promise I will love whoever 'Will' is, for 'Will' loved me first, unconditionally and continuously saves me from the clutches of death without he/she knowing. But I would never pursue either for a relationship with me that they are better of not having.

I sigh as I saw the time 4:30 am, it seems I will not be sleeping today. Happy birthday to me. I climbed off the roof and enter my room through the window. I passed my sketchbooks and blank canvasses, and went to write in my journal instead.

* * *

_**DESCENT INTO DARKNESS** _

**_How did I end up here?_**  
**_In this dark, desolate and weary place where I wear darkness like a cloak and feel hatred where my heart used to be._**  
**_My nose is full with the smell of fear and my ears hurt at the echoing sound of a broken heart._**  
**_My throat ache at the reverberating silent scream._**  
**_My lips forever pursed in agitation._**  
**_My eyes are blurry from the thick fog of desperation and the streaming tears of defeat._**  
**_My hand resonates with each strike of dreams crushed and hopes dashed._**  
**_My feet are tired on walking on futile goals heading to pointless directions._**  
**_My mind is fraught in silence of all the judgments and broken ideals._**  
**_My stomach churned with all the swallowed shame and worthless feelings._**  
**_My lungs burn with every breathless emotion held._**  
**_My back is hunched with the heavy burden of responsibilities and duties._**  
**_Loss is rushing through my bloodstream._**  
**_I shiver at the feeling of constant dread._**  
**_I am cold from all the countless possibilities that can never be._**  
**_I am bound with the chain of pressures and expectations._**  
**_I longed for the freedom from this dark place._**  
**_I am a shadow of my former self, I am hollowed and empty but still they demand more of me._**  
**_I have nothing left to give._**  
**_Like a fountain drained of water, like an animal backed into a corner with no way to escape._**  
**_My only option is to fade away; to go gentle into that good night._**  
**_How did I end up here?_**  
**_Where breathing is deemed as a chore and madness slowly seeps into my mind._**  
**_Where Life used to be a gift, but now it is a curse._**  
**_Where sleep rarely comes and nightmares abound._**  
**_There are many ways to fade; to push the boundaries that will halt the flow of thought and shut down this beating thing inside my chest._**  
**_I am slowly but deliberately fading._**  
**_Silent and loud at the same time._**  
**_Chaos and order blending as one._**  
**_All the broken parts of me are held together by my ever ready smile that never reaches my eyes and will never touch my heart._**  
**_How did I end up here?_**  
**_Where darkness eclipse the light._**

* * *

 

I put my journal inside my bag, took a quick shower, grabbed breakfast, left a note for Mom and Dad, and walked to school. I find that it is deeply relaxing to walk on the early hours of the morning when the streets are empty and everyone is still getting ready for the day. I was near Arcadia High when the sunrise started and I averted my eyes. I no longer find solace in watching the beautiful sunrise, I don't deserve to see its beauty when I'm the reason Finn doesn't get to see another sunrise. I wore his hoodie trench coat again with the hoodie covering my face. I made my way to the locker area and slip inside the locked empty classroom opposite my locker. My parents have the key to every classroom seeing as they are on its Board. I settled beside the door, my back leaning on the wall as I waited with bated breath. I told Raven and Octavia to let the matter of 'Will' go but that was before I was content in just reading the notes. Now I want 'Will' unmasked and I will do the honors myself as my own birthday gift. I glanced at the clock, 5:50 am. 10 minutes..nothing, 15 minutes..still nothing. 20 minutes..I saw someone neared my locker, open it and get something from their bag. I quietly opened the classroom door and stood at the back of the stranger.

 **"Need any help with that..Lexa?"** I whispered just as startled green eyes met mine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ##### The night was meant  
>  for people like us.  
>  For people who use it  
>  to get away.  
>  For people who  
>  see themselves  
>  In the city lights.  
>  And for those who  
>  lose themselves  
>  In the long walk home.  
>  The night is where  
>  the gentle madness is  
>  And that is where  
>  people like us belong.  
>  \---R.M. Drake


	8. LEXA - Conflicted Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ##### There are chords  
>  In the hearts  
>  Of the most reckless,  
>  Which can not be touched  
>  Without emotion.  
>  \---Edgar Allan Poe

**"I love you."**

It was said in a breathless whisper but it echoes in the deepest part of my soul. The sweet taste of those words linger long after it had escaped my lips. It is ringing in my mind, and my heart can feel it with every single beat.

There has never been a phrase more frequently said than those three words, just as there are no three words as life changing as those. It saddened me that people now said it all the time in passing and almost as an after thought, that it has become overused and abused. The real meaning and feeling it evokes gets watered down and diminished. When before it was a great privilege to hear those words, nowadays some use it in jokes and some even use it to get what they want. It baffle me to no end, how they can afford to say it that lightly when I can't even say it out loud to the only person that I've ever wanted to said them to.

I glanced back at Clarke before exiting the cafeteria, her head is still bowed as she focus all her attention into finishing her lunch like it is the most important thing. She sat alone in the sea of thousands of students, lost in her thoughts. She doesn't sit like she used to, confident and regal; today she is hunched, her shoulders' slumped and with her black coat, almost fading into the black walls of Arcadia High. It almost looked like she was carrying the whole world at her shoulders. I sighed as I saw her dark sunglasses is still firmly in place. I longed to see her brilliant blue eyes and get lost in them even for just a few seconds. Her eyes speaks a thousand words without her opening her mouth and I am powerless as I hang on to their every word.

Something is deeply troubling her and I want nothing more than to soothe her worries and to offer my support even just to make her feel that she is not alone; but I am not blind as to not see that I will never be her first choice for a confidant, she had her friends for that. I'm not even considered as her friend, merely an acquaintance at school. I am just someone she sometimes engage in class debates with, someone who for all intents and purposes, should be considered as her rival for the top rank in our batch and someone who sat in her direct line of sight which gives her no choice but to stare at me. I am only one in her long line of mostly rich and beautiful admirers, she will never notice someone as mediocre as me.

I shook my head from my sad thoughts and instead focused on getting one foot ahead of the other in the direction of the freshman wing. Since I have the rest of the lunch time to myself, I might as well check up on Aden. I turned the corner to his classroom and immediately halted in my hurried steps. There outside his classroom, stood Aden and Costia. They didn't notice me as I was still a few distance away and they looked like they were in the middle of a serious discussion involving God only knows what. Unable to think of an appropriate reaction to this bizarre scene I almost walked in on, I kept myself flat against the big cabinet near the room, hidden from their sight. I inhaled a deep breath before peeking at the edge to see them better. Costia is kneeling down in one knee as she rummage through her bag and hand Aden a small package which Aden looked at for a long time before finally accepting. Costia smiled and reached out to hug my brother but he stepped back at the last minute leaving Costia's arm empty. She looked sad as she stood up and lightly ruffled Aden's already tousled hair before heading in the opposite direction. I released my breath in relief as I watched Aden looked curiously at the package before stepping inside his room.

What the hell was that about? My ex have no business visiting my younger brother. They barely even spoke when Costia and I were together. Aden prefers to stay in his room when she was around, avoiding moments when they would be left alone together. When I asked him about it one day, he looked at me seriously and said **"She doesn't deserve you, Lexa."** I looked at him quizzically as I asked him why. He remained silent for a long time that I promptly told him that Costia was a genuinely good person who is a joy to be around and he shouldn't judge her because he barely knows her.

I remembered, he shook his head sadly as he whispered, **"She is a good person yes, but she will never understand the depth of your soul, Lexa. She likes you but not deep enough. You will only end up hurt Lexa, I wish you will set her free now before it's too late. But I will never force you to do this and if you are happy now then I will not interfere. Just know that whatever happens between you two, you can be so much happier than whatever it is you two have right now."**

I looked at him in shock. To hear him say those words at such a young age and feel so strongly about it had me looking at him with a mixture of awe and apprehension. I was about to asked him what he meant by those words but he turned his back on me, plugged on his music and proceeded to read his book. I stand there for a good five minutes just watching him and thinking how he's growing up too fast. After that day, we never talked about that incident again and I paid no heed to his words. Little did I know that I will end up deeply regretting that I didn't listened to him, because a few months from that day, I finally understood what he meant as I stood alone in the heavy rain, soaking wet at the middle of the busy highway trying to run away from a broken abandoned heart.

I move out of my hiding spot and quietly peeked at Aden's classroom. His back was turned to me. He was talking animatedly to his teacher and in front of him sprawled a small feast. It was just like Aden described, his plate was full with steak, salad, and blueberry pancakes with a big canteen of what looked like fresh milk and four pieces of chocolate bars. In the table beside Aden I saw the discarded wrapper of Costia's package. I knew then that it was her who had been giving Aden those fancy lunch. I felt anger and confusion spiked my heart. I am burning with so many questions but I would not approached Aden with this, at least not yet. I promised him that I will let him have this but if this is all Costia's doing, then I will not tolerate it.

What game is Costia playing? I will not allow her to use my little brother to whatever revenge scheme she is planning against me. It's been a year of us not speaking, only acknowledging each other with a nod whenever necessary and avoiding being alone together. I'm grateful that we only have one class together and the rest of her class is located at the opposite wing of the Seniors' building from my classes. Being the head cheerleader, she almost always have her friends or her adoring fans with her which acts as a buffer whenever our paths unintentionally cross.

* * *

 

I first met Costia at the Arcadia High's gym on my first day as transfer and it was exploding fireworks since the start. The beginning of our love story is as cliche as the teen romances shown on TV, and it was treated by everyone who knows the real story as something close to a fairy tale. I supposed it was, during that time I believed it too. We were the school's perfect couple and the topic of hallway gossips for the entire time that we were together. It probably has a lot to do with Costia being the famous head cheerleader and the novelty of me being the new student that everybody is so intrigue to know. It didn't even matter that we were both girls dating, everybody just seems to accept it as normal which really shocked me as we did not have that same acceptance from my previous school.

Being the hopeless romantic that I am, I remember almost every detail from the day we first met. It was during Physical Education class, at the huge Senior's Gym, on my first day, 10 minutes before the class starts. I remembered **"Sad Song"** by the band _**'We The Kings'**_ was softly playing in the background and I smiled to myself.

> **\--You and I,**  
>  **\--we're like fireworks and symphonies exploding in the sky**  
>  **\--With you, I'm alive**  
>  **\--Like all the missing pieces of my heart,**  
>  **\--they finally collide**

I kind of liked the song mostly because whenever I sing it or hum it, Anya, my best friend and co-worker, would get this disgusted look on her face as she shove me aside, telling me **"You are so sappy, Lexa, it's repulsive!"** but her lips would twitch ever so slightly with repressed smiles that lets me know she secretly likes the song too.

> **\--So stop time right here in the moonlight**  
>  **\--'Cause I don't ever wanna close my eyes**

The counselor informed me awhile ago that the huge gym was divided into two parts and are each simultaneously occupied by two different classes at the same time. I opened my bag as I rummage for my class schedule to determine which part of the gym my class will occupy.

> **\--Without you, I feel broke**  
>  **\--Like I'm half of a whole**  
>  **\--Without you, I've got no hand to hold**

I made my way to the right side of the gym and I saw my classmates in the distance, huddled in different groups goofing around as they await the start of the class. Right by the bleachers, cheerleaders were busy practicing their pyramid.

> **\--Without you, I feel torn**  
>  **\--Like a sail in a storm**

I walked on determine to sit at the far side of the bleachers since I don't know anyone yet. Upon nearing the cheerleaders, I heard a jumble of panicked shouts making me looked up in time to see the cheerleaders pyramid collapsing and the girl at the very top was falling right to my very spot. I raised my hand in panic just as her body crashed into mine. We both fell to the floor with the girl right on top of me.

> **\--Without you, I'm just a sad song**  
>  **\--I'm just a sad song**

Lightly groaning in pain, I cracked my eyes open to check if the girl on top of me was ok, concerned warm brown eyes met mine and I felt my breath hitch as I gaze upon the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. I was struck speechless as the girl gauged the damage, her face hovering so close to mine, her dark brown hair cascading through her face. She again locked eyes with mine, feeling satisfied with her assessment, she smiled softly at me and whispered the next line of the song,

> **\--With you, I fall**  
>  **\--It's like I'm leaving all my past and silhouettes up on the wall**

My heart roared with the mixture of adrenaline and the heady scent of the beautiful girl on top of me. Around us, her team mates started approaching us to help. The beautiful girl stayed right where she is though, then she suddenly asked, **"Are you single?"** My brow furrowed in confusion as I stammered my reply, **"I..single?..what uhm..I mean yes..why-"**

> **\--With you, I'm a beautiful mess**  
>  **\--It's like we're standing hand and hand**  
>  **\--with all our fears up on the edge**

She cut off my nervous babbling by putting her soft lips on mine. My eyes widened in shock, but they immediately shut as I let myself get lost in the kiss.

> **\--So stop time right here in the moonlight**  
>  **\--'Cause I don't ever wanna close my eyes**

And time did seem to stop as we lay there, two perfect strangers lost in the magic of first kiss, with both our hearts racing. It was perfect and there were a lot of pictures to prove it as her previously concerned team mates stop in their tracks when they saw what was happening, and recorded the whole thing instead.

> **\--Without you, I feel broke**  
>  **\--Like I'm half of a whole**  
>  **\--Without you, I've got no hand to hold**  
>  **\--Without you, I feel torn**  
>  **\--Like a sail in a storm**  
>  **\--Without you, I'm just a sad song**

We broke off the kiss, with the loud cheering and clapping of everyone. The girl stood up with a huge smile on her face and held her hand for me to take. I took her hand, my face sporting a similar smile with a light blush on my cheeks.

> **\--You're the perfect melody**  
>  **\--The only harmony I wanna hear**

**"Hi, my name is Costia. What's yours?"** she asked, her playful smile directed at me.

> **\--You're my favorite part of me**

**"My name is Lexa, so glad to meet you."** I replied with a shy smile.

Her melodious laugh rang out as she hugged me then, **"Not as glad as me, I assure you."**

> **\--With you standing next to me**  
>  **\--I've got nothing to fear**

Our teacher arrived then and the class went to their respective places but Costia stayed beside me. She held my hand as she playfully nudge me, **"Thanks for catching me when I fell."** I replied with a simple, **"Always."**

> **\--Without you, I feel broke**  
>  **\--Like I'm half of a whole**  
>  **\--Without you, I've got no hand to hold**  
>  **\--Without you, I feel torn**  
>  **\--Like a sail in a storm**  
>  **\--Without you, I'm just a sad song**

And that was the start of our fairy tale. Costia held my hand the entire class and I keep glancing at her every few minutes, just to check if I didn't just fantasize the whole thing. She was my first love and I couldn't believe how lucky I was that the hottest girl in the whole school chose me. Her good looks aside, I fell for her sense of adventure and zest for life. She is gregarious and fun. There was never a dull moment with her. She made me smile without even trying. Her body is made up of pure joy. Although she was famous, she was humble and grounded. She likes to show me off to her friends and family. She looks at me with pride whenever I received an academic award from contests and debates or even when I just got the highest score in test and exams. She is the perfect girlfriend anyone could ask for.

In turn I tried to be perfect for her as well. But whatever I do never seems to be enough. It was during this time that the fresh pain of losing Dad will cloud most of my days. Sometimes I stare at nothing for a long time, reliving Dad's memories, and Costia would just hug me as she sigh and whispered,

**"You always zone out when we are together. It makes me feel like you don't want me here."**

I would ask for forgiveness and assure her that it was not the case, that I simply have a lot on my plate right at that time. I tried to make up by supporting her cheer leading events. Everything was great for a few months.

Then Life reared its ugly head and threw everything into chaos. Aden started getting more and more sick, he had pneumonia and a series of different sickness due to his low immune system. Mom had to put in more hours at the hospital to afford the medical bills and even with all her overtime it still wasn't enough. I put in more time at my part time job in the restaurant as well, even working on Saturdays. I applied for extra work at the library too, devoting all my break times and free study period. With all this going on, my relationship with Costia suffered a great deal. I simply didn't have time. Sunday was my only free day left and most of it I spent sleeping to regain some strength and advance studying for the next week lessons so I would be ready for any test and exams. Dinner on Sundays, that's the only time we spent together outside school. I tried to make it perfect to make up for so much time lost, insisting on cooking our dinner and setting the perfect candle light setting. I got candles line up from the doorway going to our table. Aden would stay with Luna on Sunday nights until I walked Costia home, and Mom is still in the hospital until 4 am, so we had the whole house to ourselves. But we never did stay long at home, after dinner we would camp out at the roof and watch the constellation of stars and share perfect little kisses that usually border on something more but I would stop and pull back. Costia would looked hurt and I would tell her I wasn't ready. She would nod sadly and tell me she understand. She always do.

The time comes when I needed to work even on Sundays and we would go for a whole month before spending some time together. It went on for as long as six months. We had fights here and there which always center on my lack of time for us. I never went anymore to any of her events instead I chose to spend that time working. I felt guilty because she looked sad all the time and her smiles were far in between. I know I caused it but I can't do anything about it. Whenever I tried to fix it something would happen; Aden would get sick or work needed me to extend my time. It was like fate itself was doing everything in its power to pull us apart. Through it all I stood strong because Costia always stayed. She stood by me every time and foolishly I thought it would be forever.

On the night of our 7th monthsary, I was supposed to meet her at the newly opened elite restaurant out of town. She had reserved our table several weeks before and had constantly reminded me to be there on time because the restaurant has strict time allocated each customer. I promised her I would, I even told my manager about it in advance. Unfortunately, on that particular night Anya and one of our server called in sick leaving me and one other server to fend for ourselves. The Grounders was packed that night due to a certain business celebrating their anniversary there. My manager wouldn't let me go early so I end up arriving with only 15 minutes left in our allotted table time. I said sorry profusely, explaining the work situation as I took my seat. Costia remained silent the whole time, her mouth set on a thin line. Her eyes were icy with traces of left over tears. Her whole body is rigid and distant. My heart dropped as I wait for the inevitable fight.

 **"So you decided to show up? Why? So you can admire the interior of your rival restaurant?"** Her tone was cutting and cold.

 **"Cos, please stop. I'm tired. Can we just eat for the remainder of our time?"** I was suddenly so tired and can't take anymore of her closed off mind.

 **"Do you even care, Lexa? Do you even f*cking care?!"** I flinched at her words, I stood up then and reached for her hand which she pulled away.

 **"You obviously don't care about me Lexa! I had been nothing but supportive to you all the time. And you? You always pushed me away. You are always busy with your work and your family you never have time for me. You go to me only when you have spare time which you usually don't, I was never your first choice nor your second. I was always last Lexa. Do you know how that feels? Every free time I have, I always made sure you were the first person I get to spend it with, ahead of my friends even my family. When you call to tell me if I have plans I always said no because even if I have, I would cancel them for you. But I guess I'm just not that important to you. Am I?"** silent tears streaked down her beautiful face as my breath catches down my throat at the sight. Her eyes that used to be so warm and happy, now only looked lost, miserable and desolate.

 **"Cos, don't do this please. Of course you're important to me, I care about you. I just..my family need me right now, Aden needs me. Please understand."** I implored.

**"Aden always need you! You're just a teen Lexa, he is your Mom's responsibility just as you are her's too. You stubbornly take on this responsibility that isn't yours to take yet. I'm asking you now, Lexa. Will you choose me above your family?"**

I looked at her in shock, **"Cos you can't ask me to choose between you and my family. Please. I need you. Don't do this."** I was  near sobbing now but I didn't care.

**"No Lexa, enough. I've been understanding you for a long time now. And I'm so tired. I'm tired of scanning the crowds each time we have an event to look if you came to see me perform. I'm tired of clutching and looking at my phone the whole day just to see if you've called or leave a message, even if all you ever text these days are _'Good Morning Cos'_ and _'Goodnight.'_ I'm tired of being stupidly happy with just those words from you, of texting you stories of my day and you replying only with _'Ok'_ or _'That's great'_. I'm tired of waiting for Sunday to come around so I get to spend time with you only for you to cancel last minute, or completely forget about it. I'm tired of asking you every lunch time if you want to join me for lunch only for you to kiss me goodbye as you hurry to the library. I'm even tired of going to the library just so I can see you and I can't even talk to you for more than 5 minutes. I'm tired of everyone asking, _'How are you and Lexa? We barely see you together.'_ and me replying with _'We're great, She's just super busy right now.'_ I'm tired of understanding Lexa cause it never seem to be over. I'm tired of being your last choice. This dinner date was our last chance, I figured I'd try to save us one last time. So I went all out, you don't have any idea how much it cost just to get a reservation here and that's fine because this is for us. Then you come in here with only 10 minutes left to spare, with your work excuses, expecting me to just let it go. This is no big deal to you, that I waited 2 hours, 2 whole hours Lexa, I stared at that door waiting for you. As the hours drag by, my stomach filled with dread but still I stayed, refusing their offer of dinner for one. I stayed Lexa, to tell you _'Goodbye'._ "**

Halfway through her speech I found myself kneeling in front of her, holding her hands as tears pooled from my eyes in shame and hurt. She squared her shoulders and wipe her tears delicately as she stood up and left me there in tears. I didn't go after her because she was right. I don't deserve her. Also I realized that she would never understand me as deeply just like Aden told me that day. Costia is an only child born from an affluent family where her parents provide everything for her. She never had to work a day in her life and still get to inherit her parents net worth estimated in millions.

I forced myself to stand up and went outside on the pouring rain. Then I ran, and ran and ran. My heart is just about ready to burst from exhaustion, and my legs buckle from the strain, my lungs burn as I felt the desperate need for air. Still I continued on. I ran all the way home. I wanted to feel the physical pain to distract me from the all consuming pain that threatened to break my heart like glass. I don't have the luxury of having my heart broken when my family needs me.

* * *

 

Since I never really took the time to address the pain of the past, it still feels fresh each time I allow myself to think of that night. Every time Costia's eyes locked with mine, I still see traces of pain and I still feel guilty. Now I stand outside the dance hall, hands hovering over the handle, as I steady my racing heart. This is where Costia spends most of her free time, she loves to dance even now. I quietly went in, careful not to make a sound. Her back was turned to me as she fiddled with her Ipod. I approach with slow steps as I ready my mind for my inquisition, but I stopped in my tracks as soon as I hear the song she played, **_"Sad Song"_**. I held my breath as I stay rooted and I watched her start what looked like an interpretative dance. The song played like a hypnotizing melody, I closed my eyes as my mind played flashes of our time together. I felt a tear roll down and I snapped my eyes open. Costia is still unaware of my presence, she dances with her eyes closed. I felt pride in my heart as I watched her graceful movements. I always knew she would make a great dancer someday.

> **\--Without you, I feel broke**  
>  **\--Like I'm half of a whole**  
>  **\--Without you, I've got no hand to hold**  
>  **\--Without you, I feel torn**  
>  **\--Like a sail in a storm**  
>  **\--Without you, I'm just a sad song**

She opened her eyes as she twirled around. They widened as she saw me, causing her to trip. I swear time seems to slow down as I rushed to her side, placed my hands on her waist and pulled her to me, preventing her from falling.

**"Lexa.."**

I felt my heart almost stop as I heard her breathlessly whisper my name in a voice full of yearning and relief. She had her eyes close and I notice tear smudges from her makeup. Then like a deja vu, Costia slowly opened her eyes as she sings along the next line:

> **\--With you, I fall**  
>  **\--It's like I'm leaving all my past and silhouettes up on the wall**

Her eyes dart down to my lips and God help me, my own eyes glance down at her soft inviting lips. We were only inches apart, our nose touching, breaths mingling. Costia closed her eyes as she cross the distance between our lips, I shook the daze clouding my mind as I turned away quickly causing her lips to fall on my cheeks.

She sigh as she leaned her head on my neck, giving me goosebumps all over. What the hell is wrong with me, I should be over this, I should be over her. I huffed a frustrated breath then Costia whispered to my ears, **"I'm glad to know, you'll still catch me when I fall"**

 **"Always..I will always catch you no matter what."** I whispered back.

I inhaled her familiar scent as I closed my eyes and stayed still for a minute more. I pulled away slowly, needing to keep my distance if I am to achieve my original goal. Costia looked at me sadly, but kept her distance as well.

 **"Is there anything I can do for you Lexa?"** she asked softly.

I cleared my throat a few times before answering, **"I just, I wanted to ask if you're the one giving foods to Aden?"**

She remained silent for a few seconds, before slowly nodding her head, **"Yes, I am."**

**"Why? Why Costia?"**

**"Because I wanted to help Lexa, and I know how important Aden is to you."**

**"Costia please stop. It's not that I'm not grateful because I am, but this is my responsibility. It has always been mine. I just don't understand why he'd tell me his teacher gave him lunch. And why is there even fancy blueberry pancakes at lunch?"**

Costia's brow furrowed as I talked, **"Whoa, what teacher? What lunch? And blueberry pancakes?"**

I gaped at her, **"What do you mean what lunch? And pancakes? Those are the foods you gave Aden."**

She shook her head, **"I never gave him those, I gave him like chocolates and some sweets. And you don't have to worry because he never accepts them. God, he is so much like you, telling me that he can't accept them because he hadn't earned them."** Costia replied with a fond smile.

**"Chocolates? What? I'm confuse"**

**"Well that makes two of us. Listen, the only thing I gave Aden is a box of chocolates because I distinctly remembered you telling me how much he loves those. Today was the first time that he accepted them after I told him that I overheard his teachers commending his outstanding grades even after many absences due to sickness. I told him it was a reward for making his sister proud which makes me happy, he then reluctantly accepted it but told me firmly that it was just a one time thing because he doesn't like accepting rewards for making you proud. He said it was his personal mission to make you proud of him."**

**"Well that's..that's uhm..that's great? I don't really know what to say. Thank you?"** I looked at her apologetically.

She smiled, **"You don't have to thank me, Lexa. You're pretty great you know. I know it's been a year too late but I want to say sorry Lexa. For making you choose that night between me and your family. I know now that I was wrong. So wrong. I should have been more understanding and patient. I fear I am already too late to fix it."**

**"It's ok Costia, it was in the past. Everything is forgiven."**

She nod then looked at me like she's searching for something. We stand in complete silence. I needed to go but couldn't bear to be the one to say goodbye, not when we're finally talking. She turned her back to me as she asked, **"So who is the lucky girl?"**

 **"Lucky girl? What do you mean?"** I asked, silently willing her to let this go.

 **"The one who finally captured your heart.."** she whispered. Clarke's face flashed unbidden in my mind.

**"Costia..let's talk about something-"**

**"It's Clarke, isn't it?"** she asked, cutting me off.

 **"Clarke? What makes you say that?"** I asked, curious despite of myself.

 **"Lexa, I spent the entire time we were dating, studying your every expressions, and on very rare special occasions, you looked at me like I personally hung the sun and stars in the sky. But I saw the way you looked at Clarke during mandatory school assemblies; you looked at her like she is the sun and the stars."** I swallowed hard as I bowed my head.

She faced me then and I wasn't prepared to see her brown eyes that used to be my home, shining with unshed tears. I felt my heart broke. Even now, one year from that day, I'm still hurting her. I always hurt her. I wanted to hug her but she stepped backward as she continued on, **"It didn't matter that she was always lost in her thoughts, you looked at her with awe and reverence every single time. It's pathetic really, that I still searched for you in the sea of people while all the while, your eyes never waiver from Clarke. I don't blame you, she's the very definition of perfect just as you are to me."**

 **"You are perfect too."** I said, taking one step forward.

She stepped back once more. **"Will you dance with me? One last time.."**

 **"I..I have to go.."** it was my turn to step back now.

The loud bell signaling the end of lunch, rang loud. Costia smiled sadly, **"Saved by the bell.."**

I turned around and walked through the door, fearing I might just breakdown right there. Just before I step out, I heard her whisper, **"Without you, I'm just a sad song.."**

I spent the entire day in a daze, my heart torn and confuse. Aden had noticed and asked me countless times if I'm ok and I simply nod. Even Anya noticed my unusual silence, giving me a surprise hug then proceeded to ignore me the entire shift. Arriving home from work late, exhausted and worn down, I still barely sleep that night. My thoughts refused to settle down enough for sleep to claim me. I woke up at past three in the morning, deciding against going back to sleep, I prepared for school early. Today is Clarke's birthday, I put my wrapped gift inside my bag. After all my preparations are done, I woke Aden up for early breakfast and bade him and Mom goodbye as I headed to school early making sure no other students are around yet.

I reached Clarke's locker, opened it and was just about to place the note when I heard something that made time stood still,

 **"Need any help with that..Lexa?"** Clarke whispered.

There are a few moments in our life that change the course of our life either for the better or for the worst (Graduation Day, Wedding Day, Funeral of someone important to us, Choosing the right career, Accidents, Grave Sickness, Opening a business, and now Getting caught sending love notes by the person I secretly love). Sometimes we get to prepare in how we face these moments, other times it will catch us unaware. Whatever the case, these moments are almost always the culmination of past actions or events that when summed up together will make up the big picture of how the main moment will come about.

The results can go both ways, either to happiness or rejection, sometimes even indifference. There is no delicate way to approach this situation for no matter how small, my actions will be regarding this moment, it will add up to either surprise me or destroy me. I am tethering in the delicate balance of things.

Like a deer caught in the headlight, all I can do is stand there, mouth agape with panic eyes desperately looking for a safe way out.

 **"Lexa..it's you all along.."** Clarke's voice broke. I closed my eyes, my tears escaping as I felt the undercurrent emotions beyond those few words; unbridled joy with a touch of awe, almost like an answered prayer. It was extremely overwhelming.

I snapped my eyes open when I felt Clarke's trembling fingers wiped my tears. In my chest, a thousand cells awoke, with a thumping, beating roar of flames, I felt fire racing down my veins making me feel more alive than I've ever been in my life. Every sense was heightened, every emotion intensified. I gripped the lockers' door hard as I inhaled in a deep breath and fought hard to stand still and steady. Clarke removed her fingers, and my whole body literally sagged as I exhaled my held breath. I always knew Clarke had a strange hold on me, but I never expected her to have this much power over me. I leaned back at the locker, in an effort to steady my unsteady feet. Still unable to speak, I bowed my head instead.

 **"So what's for today?"** she asked almost shyly.

I handed her the note, and slowly peered to see her reaction.

> **I can't remember what it was like**  
>  **Before you and**  
>  **I don't even know how we got here**  
>  **But maybe that's exactly what I need.**  
>  **Someone who could make me forget**  
>  **Where I came from**  
>  **And someone who could make me love**  
>  **Without knowing how to fall.**  
>  **\---R.M. Drake**

She smiled but tears race down her cheeks. I looked at her worried, my hands lingering in the air, not wanting to touch her without express permission.

 **"Thank you..Why are are you doing this Lexa?"** Her voice was soft and gentle.

 **"I wanted to make you smile, like a real smile..your eyes always looked so sad."** I replied in a similar soft voice.

**"But why do you want to see me smile?"**

**"Because I..I..I like you."** I stammered my reply.

Her smile was bittersweet, her eyes was filled with sadness, like she was saying goodbye. My heart clenched painfully.

 **"Forget about me Lexa..find someone deserving to be liked by you."** Her eyes bored intensely on mine.

**"Don't say that Clarke, you are more than deserving."**

**"No. You do not know me Lexa. You do not know the darkness surrounding my heart. My own father doesn't even want me. I am a constant disappointment to my stepfather and my Mom's greatest failure."** Clarke sounded so broken, I wanted to make her whole.

 **"Clarke look at me. I may not know you with intricate detail but I know deep down you are a good person. So much better than everyone."** I said each word with all the conviction that won me countless awards.

 **"Lexa, please. Don't make this any harder. I am broken. I am damage. You do not know what you are saying. You can not like me..I hope you find someone, great. All the things I couldn't be."** Her tears never stopped as she handed me a thick expensive looking notebook.

 **"What's this Clarke?"** I asked, my voice hoarse.

 **"The many reasons why you can't possibly like me. Goodbye Lexa.."** she turned and walked away.

I felt my world crumble. For the second time in my life, love left me. I guess I was destined to always be left behind. I didn't even know my heart can break this much. Clarke wasn't even mine but the pain I felt now was significantly more than the pain I felt when Costia left me. Ignoring my pain, I opened Clarke's notebook.

> **I get it now, I get it.**  
>  **The things you hope for the most**  
>  **Are the things that destroy you**  
>  **In the end.**  
>  **\---John Greene**
> 
> **Isn't it strange**  
>  **That we mostly**  
>  **Want to let go of things**  
>  **That are already gone.**  
>  **\---Avis Moon**
> 
> **Sleep doesn't help,**  
>  **If it's your soul that's tired.**  
>  **\---Unknown**
> 
> **I think the saddest people**  
>  **Always try their hardest**  
>  **To make people happy**  
>  **Because they know what it's like**  
>  **To feel absolutely worthless**  
>  **And they don't want**  
>  **Anyone else to feel that.**  
>  **\---Robin Williams**
> 
> **In time, all wounds heal**  
>  **But the true hurt**  
>  **Goes beyond the scarred surface.**  
>  **\---J. Iron Words**
> 
> **Pain is the only thing,**  
>  **That's telling me I'm still alive.**  
>  **\---Unknown**
> 
> **Sometimes all you can do**  
>  **Is lie in bed**  
>  **And hope to fall asleep**  
>  **Before you fall apart.**  
>  **\---William Hannan**
> 
> **Sometimes I'm terrified of my heart,**  
>  **Of its constant hunger**  
>  **For whatever it is it wants**  
>  **The way it stops and starts.**  
>  **\---Edgar Allan Poe**
> 
> **It doesn't always take a knife**  
>  **To kill someone,**  
>  **It just takes a simple "Goodbye"**  
>  **\---Unknown**
> 
> **Sometimes it is better to be alone,**  
>  **No one can hurt you.**  
>  **\---Hercules**
> 
> **I didn't just feel unloved,**  
>  **I felt indifference,**  
>  **And that is something**  
>  **That cuts like a knife**  
>  **When it comes from**  
>  **Someone you love**  
>  **\---J.M. Storm**
> 
> **Sleep just isn't sleep anymore,**  
>  **It's an escape.**  
>  **\---Unknown**
> 
> **I tried explaining**  
>  **Why I was so sad**  
>  **But nothing come out**  
>  **That was when I realized**  
>  **I didn't know why either.**  
>  **\---S.N.**
> 
> **I woke up thinking of yesterday;**  
>  **The joy is in remembering,**  
>  **The pain is in knowing**  
>  **It was yesterday.**  
>  **\---David Levithan**
> 
> **It's hard to answer a question,**  
>  **When you haven't been asked.**  
>  **It's hard to show you tried,**  
>  **Unless you end up succeeding.**  
>  **\---Unknown**
> 
> **Some days, I feel everything at once.**  
>  **Other days, I feel nothing at all.**  
>  **I don't know what's worst,**  
>  **Drowning beneath the waves,**  
>  **Or dying from the thirst.**  
>  **\---O.M.**
> 
> **Like the sun,**  
>  **There are some days**  
>  **I preferred to hide**  
>  **Behind the clouds.**  
>  **\---J. Iron Words**
> 
> **Every thought is a battle,**  
>  **Every breath is a war,**  
>  **And I don't think**  
>  **I'm winning anymore.**  
>  **\---Unknown**
> 
> **It hurts to know**  
>  **That you would never look at me**  
>  **The way I look at you.**  
>  **\---N.V.**
> 
> **I couldn't help wondering,**  
>  **If maybe things,**  
>  **Once they're broken,**  
>  **Can never be made whole again.**  
>  **\---Melissa Kantor**
> 
> **The deeper I think,**  
>  **The deeper I seem to sink.**  
>  **\---Unknown**
> 
> **I locked myself away**  
>  **Didn't give anyone the key,**  
>  **I didn't even say goodbye**  
>  **And was swallowed by the sea.**  
>  **\---A.D.R.**
> 
> **Tell me how many times**  
>  **Have you lost your voice**  
>  **To someone**  
>  **Who isn't even listening?**  
>  **\---Kat Savage**
> 
> **No amount of sleep in the world,**  
>  **Could cure the tiredness I feel.**  
>  **\---Unknown**
> 
> **I had meant to go to bed**  
>  **But somehow fell into the sea**  
>  **The waves cradled me in**  
>  **And rocked me gently to sleep**  
>  **\---K.P.K.**
> 
> **Sometimes I feel like**  
>  **Stars are nothing more than**  
>  **Broken hearts fighting**  
>  **For their last beat.**  
>  **\---J. Iron Words**
> 
> **Why wont they leave me alone?**  
>  **Don't they realize I have a tinder heart**  
>  **And a paper body and that any spark**  
>  **Will turn me straight to ash?**  
>  **\---Unknown**
> 
> **How sweet it must be**  
>  **To feel all the pain at once**  
>  **Then never again.**  
>  **\---K.H.D.**
> 
> **The brightest flame,**  
>  **cast the darkest shadow.**  
>  **\---George R.R. Martin**
> 
> **I'm exhausted from**  
>  **Trying to be stronger**  
>  **Than I feel.**  
>  **\---Unknown**
> 
> **The water is clean**  
>  **But your wrist are stained,**  
>  **Your face says happy**  
>  **But your eyes says pain.**  
>  **\---J.K.G.**
> 
> **Some wounds are beyond healing**  
>  **And not all that is broken can be fixed**  
>  **\---F.C. Phoenix**
> 
> **The difference between you and me**  
>  **Is that when you wake up,**  
>  **Your nightmare ends.**  
>  **\---Unknown**
> 
> **Sometimes if I sit real still at night**  
>  **The walls whispers to me**  
>  **And they say the cruelest things**  
>  **And I believe every word they say.**  
>  **\---C.B.**
> 
> **The loneliest moments**  
>  **In someone's life**  
>  **Is when they are watching**  
>  **Their whole world fall apart**  
>  **And all they could do**  
>  **Is stare blankly.**  
>  **\---F. Scott Fitzgerald**
> 
> **You can't break me,**  
>  **I'm already broken.**  
>  **\---Unknown**
> 
> **I am more of a threat**  
>  **To my own heart**  
>  **Than anyone else could be.**  
>  **\---S.L. Gray**
> 
> **There are plenty of ways to die,**  
>  **But only love can kill**  
>  **And keep you alive to feel it.**  
>  **\---Leo Christopher**
> 
> **There is nothing**  
>  **More depressing**  
>  **Than having it all**  
>  **And still feeling sad.**  
>  **\---Unknown**
> 
> **I wanted to write down exactly**  
>  **How I felt but somehow**  
>  **The paper stayed empty**  
>  **And I couldn't have**  
>  **Describe it any better**  
>  **\---W.T.M.**
> 
> **If you're going through hell,**  
>  **Keep going.**  
>  **\---Winston Churchill**
> 
> **They say:**  
>  **"Destroy what destroys you."**  
>  **So I did.**  
>  **I destroyed myself.**  
>  **\---Unknown**
> 
> **To have so much but want too little,**  
>  **To give a smile but never the heart,**  
>  **To suffer in silence but rejoice outside,**  
>  **To have the world but want none of it,**  
>  **To see the stars but never to have it,**  
>  **To fade away but never forgotten**  
>  **\---F.C. Phoenix**
> 
> **Time doesn't care how precious it is**  
>  **How hard you are trying**  
>  **Not to squander it.**  
>  **Time passes.**  
>  **\---Melissa Kantor**
> 
> **They say "follow your heart"**  
>  **But if your heart is**  
>  **In a million pieces,**  
>  **Which piece do you follow?**  
>  **\---Unknown**
> 
> **Even the strongest hands,**  
>  **Lose their grip;**  
>  **And the biggest hearts,**  
>  **Still breaks.**  
>  **\---J. Iron Words**
> 
> **I don’t belong here.**  
>  **I don’t want to be here.**  
>  **I don’t see a way out.**  
>  **No longer know what life is about.**  
>  **My lips is on a permanent pout.**  
>  **Waiting for the day I can checkout.**  
>  **\---F.C. Phoenix**
> 
> **If you've never felt your soul**  
>  **Being torn apart,**  
>  **Then you've never loved anyone**  
>  **With all your heart.**  
>  **\---Unknown**
> 
> **I always thought**  
>  **I was writing these words for me,**  
>  **But within my soul,**  
>  **The truth is they were**  
>  **Always meant for you to see.**  
>  **\---S.L. Gray**
> 
> **I like my music so loud,**  
>  **I can't hear my thoughts.**  
>  **\---Unknown**
> 
> **Now that I had**  
>  **nothing to lose**  
>  **I was free.**  
>  **\---Paulo Coelho**
> 
> **When I am silent,**  
>  **I have thunder inside.**  
>  **\---Rumi**
> 
> **Just because**  
>  **I've been smiling all day**  
>  **Doesn't mean I'm not**  
>  **Crying myself to sleep at night**  
>  **\---Unknown**
> 
> **I gained my heart by ripping it out.**  
>  **I was unsteady but still I stood my ground.**  
>  **I embraced the dark so I can appreciate the light.**  
>  **I left so I can find myself again.**  
>  **\---F.C. Phoenix**
> 
> **You looked like everything**  
>  **I've ever wanted,**  
>  **And everything**  
>  **I knew I couldn't have.**  
>  **\---S.L. Gray**
> 
> **With all the smiles**  
>  **You brought me,**  
>  **I never thought**  
>  **You could cause me**  
>  **So many tears.**  
>  **\---Unknown**

I felt so drained and heartbroken after finishing reading Clarke's notebook. If this is what Clarke felt like everyday, no wonder she felt like she didn't deserve to be liked. I stood up straight, squared my shoulders, and start planning my next move. I dialed Raven's number, tapping impatiently as it rang and rang. Finally she answered,

**"Raven this is Lexa, we need to talk."**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ##### There are all types of love  
>  In this world,  
>  But never  
>  The same love twice.  
>  \---F. Scott Fitzgerald


	9. OCTAVIA - Half of A Whole

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ##### And in the end,  
>  We were all just humans,  
>  Drunk on the idea  
>  That love only love  
>  Could heal our brokeness.  
>  \---F. Scott Fitzgerald

I stomped my feet in frustration, as we neared the gates of Arcadia High. Raven and Bellamy are both behind walking rather slowly while deeply conversing about random things, lost in their own world. It's moments like this that I would just rather be alone, alas Bellamy will never let me out of his sight whenever he is home. Being a soldier, he seems to think that there are threats to me and Raven's safety everywhere so he always tag along whenever Raven and I have to go somewhere. He also dutifully drops us off and fetch us from school using his beloved motorcycle. And each time, I felt like the 3rd wheel on their perfect date and I really hated feeling that way.

I have always been fascinated with the idea of love, unfortunately, love doesn't reciprocate my fascination. I am already at my senior year but I have yet to meet someone special that even comes close to how Raven described love. No one has ever made my heart race or make it flutter whenever they are near. I had never meet anyone that invades my dreams night or day nor someone who I can't get out of my mind of. I never even have someone that I looked forward to seeing again. All of my past relationships had been a series of one night stands or just flirty exchange. Maybe I had set my standards too high that I never found anyone worthy of my attention. As far as I know, everyone else I know is just too boring or too plain. The good ones are either already taken or have no inclination towards me. Whatever the case, so long as I'm still blessedly single, I have to endure being Raven and Bellamy's 3rd wheel.

I love Bellamy as my big brother and almost like a father. He was the one who raised me since we were kids. When Mom was too occupied with drugs and alcohol, Bellamy was out in the streets scrounging for foods. He looked out for me every time and kept me out of trouble. He also help Mom clean up her act whenever Social Services would come to visit. Thank God for Raven's Mom who always cooked extra foods for us and always invite me and Bellamy to spend the night at their house whenever Mom wasn't home. At such a young age, he was already helping support our family. Right after high school he enlisted in the army, much to my dismay, but the pay is good and it has always been Bellamy's dream to be a soldier. I am proud of his many achievements and extremely grateful that he comes home safe from his tours.

Raven was this curious girl who always approached us with guarded expression but would let me play with her when we were kids. She brings me along her many travels to various parts of town in search for weird materials for whatever gadget she is inventing. Raven has been my friend since I was 5 years old. She had had a crush on Bellamy since 9th grade. Bellamy in turn only courted her two years ago after his first military tour. She is the only smart person I know who is also cool with gadgets and a romantic at heart. She is vicious with her words but calm and grounded at the same time. She has fire in her heart that wouldn't let her give up even at the bleakest of situation. She is also gifted with the mystery to always come up with incredulous plans that gets us out of impossible situations. Growing up alongside each other, she is like a sister to me in more ways than one. I'm glad Bellamy chose her, making her a part of our little family.

And then there is Clarke. We've only been her friend for a short period of time yet it feels like she had always been one of us. She is good and loyal. Although she is silent in her ways, she loves fiercely and intensely. She weaves herself into our life in subtle but intricate ways. She does these random acts of kindness but she never took credit for it. I once absently told her about this very intricate dagger that I saw on an out of town trip with Bellamy but couldn't afford it because it was vintage therefore very expensive, $600 expensive. She was silent through the story, only listening and asking about the design. I remembered I was taken aback by her curiosity on the design asking me to describe every detail of the dagger and when I ask why she just responded with **"so I can visualize your story"**. The next day I find it inside my locker, wrapped in silk, just laying there unassuming like it wasn't the best gift ever. I am one hundred percent sure it wasn't Raven because I haven't even told her about the dagger and she and Clarke are the only one's who knows my locker combination. When I asked Clarke about it she just smiled and said maybe God answered my prayer.

When Raven needed some highly expensive and classified materials for her latest inventions, she would find it the next day in her locker or her bag. Then there is this delivery of groceries every week filled with foods and house supplies but the sender is always unknown. But we knew who it came from and she would never admit it, always telling us, **"God always provides."** but we thanked her just the same. Clarke would just stay silent or smiled, never acknowledging and never asking for anything in return. Her happiness pulls smiles from our lips and her sadness fills our heart with sorrow. She thinks we don't feel her pain because she hides so well with her smiles but we do.

Ever since the day that I witness her real life behind the glamour of fame, I had always been able to tell the dark clouds in her eyes. But yesterday, as she walked past me and Raven, her eyes hidden behind her sunglass; I never saw the dark clouds but I felt the storm brewing inside her, evident by the way she walked, stand up, and the overwhelming silence surrounding her. Her smiles were gone and she didn't even talk to me or Raven the entire day. I was frustrated, worried and hurt. We wanted to help but we don't even know where to start. It was like she was lost in her own world and everyone else fade. It was scary to witness the abrupt shift in her personality, it caught us off guard. Today is her birthday and I don't think she would be up to celebrating it now let alone appreciate the surprise Raven and I had prepared for her.

I sighed as I reached the gates of Arcadia High and watch Bellamy said his goodbyes to Raven before waving to me. Raven made her way to me with a spring in her steps. I cringed as I watched her, she is all sunny and smiles when Bellamy is around that I sometimes wish I would feel it too.

Raven held out her hand for me to take, as we made our way to the front gardens. Students milled around the gardens as they await the first bell. I spotted Clarke sitting by the bench near the entrance, looking like her normal smiling self that I stopped in my tracks. Raven stopped as well and looked at me to ask me why we've stopped. She looked at where my eyes were trained and we both stared in silence at the confusing mystery that is Clarke Griffin.

The loud ringing of Raven's phone shook us from our trance. It rang continuously as Raven rummage through her bag for her phone, finally answering on the third ring.

 **"Hello?"** She answered with furrowed brows.

Raven was silent for awhile as she nodded on the phone. I whispered " **Who is it?"**  She covered the mouthpiece of the phone before whispering **"It's Lexa."** which earned her my raised eyebrows.

 **"Ok. We'll be there. Bye."** Raven steered me to the direction of the side entrance at the faraway corner of the front garden as she finished the call.

**"Raven, what is going on? What does Lexa want? And why do you have her number?"**

**"She wants to talk to us, without Clarke, and I don't have her number, she has mine. I gave it to her when I asked her to cover for us the other day, so she can text me if ever she doesn't want to push thru. She never did so I never knew her number."** Raven explained as she continued to steer me inside an empty classroom.

Once inside, we found Lexa pacing the teacher's floor with a worried expression on her face.

 **"Thank you for coming, I wasn't sure you would come."** Ok, things are turning weird. What the hell does she wants with us. We barely even mingle in class and now she wants to talk.

 **"What do you want to talk about? What is so important, you wanted to talk in the confines of an empty classroom?"** Raven asked.

 **"Can I ask you guys a favor?"** Lexa replied, a bit hesitant.

 **"What does the great Lexa want from us?"** I asked sarcastically. **"And please don't ask us for help with any of the academic stuff. We aren't as into it as you and Clarke."**

Lexa smiled which surprised me because she never ever smiles, **"No, it's not about that."** She paused and looked at both of us seriously, her face stoic once more, **"I would like to ask both of your permission to be Clarke's friend"** she all but whispered.

I bit back the laughter threatening to erupt with a smirk while Raven look at Lexa puzzled.

 **"So let me get this straight, you want to be Clarke's friend and you are asking our permission to do so?"** Raven asked incredulous.

Lexa nodded shyly, her cheeks bright red. I couldn't help it, I doubled up in laughter. This was just too bizarre, it has to be some kind of prank. Raven and Lexa both looked at me like I've lost my mind, making me laugh even harder.

 **"What the hell O?! Get your shit together!"** Raven admonished, but her lips twitch with a repressed smile.

I sobered up a little but still couldn't wipe the smile off of my face, **"I'm sorry. It's just that no one ask permission to be someone's friend from their friends. It's not like you're asking for Clarke's hand in marriage. And even if you are, we're hardly the one whom you should seek permission from, we are not her parents. I didn't know you were this dramatic, Lexa."**

 **"And I didn't know you were secretly a hyena Octavia."** Lexa deadpanned making me burst in laughter again. Damn, Lexa can joke too, who knew.

 **"Shut up, O. I think it's kind of sweet and polite."** Raven quipped, smiling herself.

 **"Of course you would, Raven, you're a hopeless romantic!"** I replied causing her to smack my arm lightly.

 **"I wanted to do it right and ask your permission. I wouldn't want you to think that I'm trying to take your place in Clarke's life."** Lexa answered.

 **"Have you asked Clarke?"** I asked, curious.

 **"Not yet. I wanted to inform you guys first and also because I have something to disclose."** Lexa replied, her voice tinged with worry.

Lexa stared at us with a contemplative look as she chewed her lip. She looked nervous as hell. She run her fingers through her hair and fiddled with her bag. She paced a bit more but stopped when I grabbed her wrist.

 **"Just spit it out, Lexa. The tension's killing us!"** I said firmly.

Lexa sighed, nodded once then proceeded to get something from her bag. She handed us two identical small black box. I was going to make a joke about her courting us both but the look on Lexa's face stopped me. Her expression was an odd mixture of nervous, shy, expectant and apprehensive. I looked at Raven who was already opening her box, I turned my attention to my box as I opened it. Inside, neatly placed at the center, is a small papyrus paper tied with tree bark smelling like the pine trees of Christmas. I almost dropped the box in shock as I snapped my eyes to Lexa. I heard Raven let out a small gasp as she turned her attention to Lexa as well. Lexa squirmed under our scrutiny.

 **"Well, I'll be damned! You are Will?"** I asked incredulous, breaking the silence.

 **"What? I'm Lexa. Who's Will?"** Lexa asked, confuse.

**"Right yeah, you're Lexa. Raven sort of nicknamed the one sending Clarke this notes with 'Will' in honor of William Shakespeare. So, are you Will?"**

**"Um yeah...I guess I am..."** she reluctantly admitted.

 **"Damn! Raven can you believe this! How the hell do you even have the time to write this stuff Lexa, between working at two jobs and being little Miss Perfect in class."** I huffed in disbelief.

I noticed Raven hadn't said a word. I glanced at her and saw her smiling knowingly at Lexa while Lexa avoided her eyes. I narrowed my eyes at them.

 **"Raven, you're awfully quiet. Aren't you surprise about this turn of events?"** I asked suspiciously.

 **"Not as surprised as you, I think. I sort of had an inkling it was her. I even point blank asked her but she denied it. I let it go at that time because I was preoccupied with Clarke's birthday coming up but I never really accepted her denial."** Raven replied with an apologetic tone.

 **"Why didn't you tell me?"** I asked, a bit hurt to be left out on such a big information.

 **"I'm sorry O. I completely forgot, what with the preparations and stuff. Besides it was just my guess at that time. It turns out my suspicion were right all along. So Lexa, do you admit now that you like Clarke?"** Raven was grinning now.

 **"I...I would like to be her friend..."** replied Lexa, completely avoiding eye contact.

 **"Those poetry you've been sending her this past year doesn't shout 'friends' to me."** I interjected.

 **"Yeah, it seems more like you're courting her."** Raven smiled

 **"Friends is all we are ready for right now. And I don't think she would allow even that."** Lexa sadly bowed her head.

 **"What do you mean? Does Clarke already know that you're Will?"** asked Raven.

Lexa nodded, **"She saw me put it in her locker awhile ago, when no one else is around. She also told me, quite persistently, to forget her; saying she doesn't deserve it."**

Raven and I exchanged worried looks. Things are definitely not fine with Clarke. We already knew she was in a bad place but don't know how to help her. She always insist that everything is ok and foolishly we believe her. At least she doesn't tell us to forget her. I winced as I looked at Lexa's sad frown. I can't believe Clarke will say that to her.

 **"Actually that is the other reason I want to talk to you guys. I need to know what you have planned for Clarke's birthday surprise."** Lexa continued.

 **"Why don't we just show you instead before the first bell ring. We could use your opinion if it's ok."** Raven heads toward the door, Lexa on her heels.

 **"Wait!"** I half shouted. They both looked back at me and I waved the small black box at them. **"I'm dying to know what's written in these."** Lexa let out a small laugh while Raven smiling, opened her note.

> I unrolled mine and read.  
>  **Octavia:**  
>  **You wore your**  
>  **Troubled past**  
>  **Like scars,**  
>  **You had been**  
>  **Through battle,**  
>  **And though no one**  
>  **Can see your demons,**  
>  **They could see the face**  
>  **That conquered them**  
>  **\---Atticus**

Ok, wow! Lexa definitely have a way with words! Although technically she wasn't the one who wrote this, but she was the one who chose them and that's what matters. This piece of poetry, definitely resonates with me, like it describes me and compliment me at the same time. No wonder Clarke's eyes always shine radiant when reading her notes. Smiling to myself, I looked over Raven's shoulder to read hers.

> **Raven:**  
>  **You were unstoppable**  
>  **Not because you didn't have**  
>  **Failures or doubts**  
>  **But because**  
>  **You continued on**  
>  **Despite them.**  
>  **\---Beau Taplin**

Raven looked positively beaming. **"Lexa, can I keep this?"**

 **"Yeah of course. I wrote those for you guys in case I needed to tell you about the notes. So here we are..."** Lexa answered shyly.

I smirked at her, **"Lexa are you sure you aren't trying to hit on us?"** Lexa blushed as she vehemently shook her head. I laughed out loud.

Raven nudge me hard, **"Stop teasing her O. Ignore her Lexa. Let's head out. The class is about to start."**

Stifling my laughter, I followed Raven to the Projection Room: the location of our surprise for Clarke. Raven managed to convince the principal to let us borrow the room for 4 days, especially when he heard that we will use it for Clarke's birthday surprise. The ceiling is covered in black specialty paper and littered with glow in the dark Stars, giving the illusion of a night sky. There are golden colored streamers hanging at various points in the room. The projector is projecting various nature photos in the walls of the room. A small table covered with soft furs and adorned with small flowers, is at the center of the room. A small banquet is arranged atop it with all of Clarke's favorite foods.

Lexa walked around the room, inspecting the design quietly. She looks deep in thought as she gaze up and watched the Stars lightly glow. When she couldn't take the silence any longer, Raven cleared her throat and asked, **"Well, how is it?"**

Lexa turned to us, once again donning her stoic look. She was silent for few minutes as I watched her facial expression. I can practically hear her mind trying to think of a delicate way to tell us that it wasn't good enough. I felt irritated at this. Raven and I worked hard to create this with our own hands, sacrificing our breaks. In comes this random classmate demanding to see our hard work only to deem it beneath her standards.

 **"You don't like it, do you?"** I asked, my voice cold.

 **"It's not bad really.."** Lexa replied.

 **"Just not good enough?"** Raven asked, sounding hurt which made me furious.

 **"Listen, I never meant to offend. But if I did, I'm really sorry. It's not my intention. I just have other ideas that's all. We all want what's best for Clarke. I hope you understand."** Lexa raised her hands to placate us or to offer surrender, but she's not off the hook yet.

I glared at Lexa, **"Do you have any idea the amount of work we put into these? I f*cking scaled the walls and ceiling just to put up those Stars like a spider woman dangling in the air with no f*ckng web! But you know what, since you seem to have such a high standard on things, why don't you tell us how you would have done it if it was up to you."** I maintained eye contact, sure that my eyes conveyed the fiery temper that I am fighting hard to hold back.

She looked at both of us before taking a deep breath. Then she told us her plans in great detail leaving both me and Raven gaping and speechless as we try to visualize her plans in our head. Damn! Her plans made our surprise like child's play. Halfway through, the first bell rang, but we were all too engrossed at that point, we paid it no heed.

 **"...and then she will blow the last candle as we sang her 'Happy Birthday'.. that is as far as my initial plan goes. I got the idea from-"** Lexa was cut off mid sentence when Raven rushed to hug her. She was surprised to say the least, awkwardly patting Raven's back while looking at me for backup but I refuse to meet her eyes.

 **"Oh my God, Lexa! You and I are gonna be great friends!"** Raven all but squealed, as she let Lexa go.

 **"Uhm, yeah... I'm sure we're going to be."** Lexa smiled, unsure. Raven returned her smile, teary eyed.

 **"Raven, are you crying?"** I teased.

 **"Maybe...I was just overwhelmed."** Raven looked at me and bellowed a laugh, **"You did too! Look at your eyes"**

 **"I did not! Those are sweat, it's very hot in here!"** I will never admit how moved I was. I stick out my tongue at Raven and she shove me playfully in return. The three of us laughed and it was great, like old friends just hanging out, sharing a joke and enjoying each other's company; free from life's complicated clutch even just for a few minutes.

 **"So...what do you guys think?"** Lexa asked hesitantly.

 **"Lexa are you fishing for compliments?"** I smirked at Lexa bowing her head to hide her blush, **"You know very well what we think. As if Raven's hug wasn't enough? Just so you know, Raven never hug anyone except Bellamy and Clarke. She doesn't even hug me, can you believe she can resist me?"** I laughed out loud and Raven joined in.

 **"Do you even have to ask? If this is how you will ask Clarke to be your friend, I can't imagine how you would do it if you asked her to be your girl, or when you asked her to marry you; I imagined you will offer her the whole world in a platter decorated with the sun and stars with the moon on top."** Raven joked making us laugh once again.

Lexa was definitely blushing now as she turned her back on us, Raven and I can't stop laughing.

**"Let's not get ahead of ourselves. I only want to be Clarke's friend."**

**"Friend...Sure! Whatever helps you sleep at night, Lexa."** I replied with mocked seriousness. Raven winked at me.

Lexa turned to us, **"Just so we're clear, so there won't be any misunderstanding...We will not push thru with your great idea of a birthday surprise?"** She looked smug while me and Raven recoiled in shock. This girl definitely got spunk.

 **"Rude!"** I pushed her lightly and surprisingly she pushed me back, albeit playfully.

 **"We can still get the foods and the flowers, other than that everything will be new...and uhm...about the cost I'll-"** Raven looked at me and I nodded reluctantly. She cut off Lexa,

**"We'll cover it Lexa, we owe Clarke as much and the brilliant idea is yours so that'll be your contribution."**

**"That wouldn't be fair guys really, I'll pay my share but it'll be at the end of the month when I got my salary."** Lexa replied sheepishly.

 **"Lexa, chill. We've got it, ok. Just this time. Now, your main concern is how to execute this grand plan of yours."** I assured Lexa.

She smiled gratefully, **"Alright, thanks anyway. By the way, you do know that you guys are late for first period right?"**

 **"Are you kidding me? And miss out on all the excitement? I'm not going to class today. Let's just plan this surprise. We don't have much time."** I replied.

 **"We can't all be gone it'll look suspicious. Raven you need to go to class and distract Clarke."** Lexa instructed Raven.

 **"What? But why me? I don't want to miss out too."** Raven whined, I laughed.

 **"Because we both know we can't trust Octavia not to spill the surprise on Clarke,"** Lexa answered as Raven stuck out her tongue.

 **"Hey! You can't make assumptions, you don't even know me yet."** I dared Lexa.

In reply, they both just stared silently at me with their eyebrows raised in challenge for a good few minutes before I caved in and sighed heavily, **"Fine, you're right. I might tell her but only because you know I don't keep things from my friends."**

They both smiled then Lexa continued her instructions, **"Raven just act normal and don't even mention her birthday. Pretend you forgot all about it, and trust me she have a lot on her mind right now than be concerned about her birthday. Tell her Octavia had soccer practice or something, make something up. Anyway your assignment is to ask Clarke in the most discreet way possible, who are the important people in her life aside from you guys then you need to find out their locations at the moment. You can report to us at Lunch. If...just a big if, she inquired about me just tell her Aden wasn't feeling well so I went home instead. I'll be fetching him anyway, he's part of this too. Can you do that?"**

Raven nodded, glad to have something to contribute, **"Yeah, it's easy enough. I can do it. Alright, good luck and see you later guys."** she gathered her things and head to the door but stopped in front of Lexa. **"I'm glad we can be friends Lexa, you are a good person with a loving heart. Clarke would be lucky to have you in her life as a friend or more."**

 **"Thank you. You are both a great person too, especially since you both look after Clarke when I couldn't. I'm just not sure she would want me as her friend though."** Lexa looked uncertain.

 **"Listen Lexa, if Clarke still said NO after your big surprise, both Raven and I will personally shake some sense into her. But I don't think she'll say no, more like a resounding YES. But just in case, we got your back. You're kinda fun to be around compared to this monkey."** I finished as I playfully shove Raven.

Lexa looked emotional so a group hug ensued. After composing ourselves, Raven went to class while Lexa lead me to the security office.

 **"Lexa, have you lost your mind? We are cutting class right now! The security office should be the last place we should be going to."** I hissed urgently, pointing at the cameras that lined the hallway for emphasis.

Lexa just laughs softly and shook her head, **"It's ok O, trust me. Come on, I want you to meet someone."**

 **"What the hell! Now is not the right time to set me up for a date Lexa! And the fact that you chose a school security personnel, who will definitely be as old as our parents, is a great insult to me. I am not that desperate to be with someone!"** I replied as I tug on her wrist to go on the opposite direction.

She ignored me and continued walking, **"Octavia, chill."** She winked at me, frustrating me more. She steered me forward in an iron grip and I resigned my fate.

( _This girl is as stubborn and reckless as me, if not more._ )

We reached the office and Lexa immediately went in making the group of older guys in uniform looked up at us. I froze in place.

( _Shit, Lexa had really lost her mind! Talk about heading straight to the wolves den. We'll surely end up in detention now!_ )

Surprisingly, when they saw it was Lexa, everyone just smiled and pat her back in welcome. She just nodded at them, barely stopping in her stride, some of the older dudes even bowed to her. I stared at this bizarre scene feeling oddly detached, like I'm in some kind of a movie. This girl is full of surprises. I rushed to her side, unwilling to be left behind just in case they decided to send me to detention alone. Lexa ventured to the very end of the office where a smaller room is located. Without even pausing, she went in and I followed. It was like she owned the damn place, going in unannounced and regarding everyone with her stoic stare. The weird part was, everyone here respected her and look up to her like she was the damn president of the country. It was truly a sight to behold. Not even Clarke acted that way and her parents holds the majority of the school's market share. I smiled, Raven would definitely love this story.

Inside the smaller room is a bunch of computers showing a live feed of all the camera in Arcadia. I take it all in with awe as Lexa approached the man monitoring the computers, his back was turned. Lexa tapped his shoulder and he turn around to look at us. He was younger than all the other security personnel, maybe only two years older than me, same age as Bellamy. He wore a dark suit with a tie, and the way he move tells me that he had served in the military. He stood up when he saw Lexa and lightly bowed his head which Lexa returned. He then turned to me.

It was like time stood still and we were the only two people left in the world. His eyes meet mine and I couldn't tore my eyes away. I didn't even want to blink for fear that he might vanish into thin air. I cursed Raven in my mind as I finally felt all the things she described and so much more. I gripped Lexa's hand to steady my suddenly weak knees as my heart almost doubled its normal beat. Then he f*cking smiled at me and my heart almost went out of my chest. I wanted to weep tears of joy and write poetry about his eyes. I even want to sing and dance in happiness. So this is what Love feels like? It was like, all this time I was incomplete, lacking and now I found the other half. Now I am half of a whole. It's like all my life I've been heading to pointless directions, wandering lost and alone but now I found home; like I'm vulnerable and strong at the same time.

Lexa cleared her throat loudly making me jump in surprise, **"Sorry to intrude on your staring contest but we have work to do."** My whole face is flaming red right now. I avoid looking at him, choosing to glance at Lexa's amused smile instead. What the hell is happening to me? I don't even believe in all that love at first sight crap yet here I am almost drooling at this random stranger when I don't even know his name yet.

 **"Octavia, this is Lincoln, Clarke's personal bodyguard."** Lexa introduced him.

( _What the hell? Clarke has a bodyguard that will put James Bond to shame and I didn't know about it! Also 'Lincoln' sounds bad ass, named after my favorite president Abraham Lincoln._ )

 **"Lincoln, this is Octavia-"** She was cut off by Lincoln.

 **"One of Clarke's best friend. I know."** He smiled and my mind goes blank. He held out his hand to shake, I looked at it as I gingerly shook it, releasing it quickly for fear I wouldn't let it go if I held it any longer.

 **"Do you guys need a moment alone? I can step out for a bit."** Lexa asked, grinning.

 **"No we don't need a moment. We have no time for games, Lexa."** I said as I subtly glared at her.

She cleared her throat and smiled, **"On to business then. Linc, I need your help. Do you know any other friends of Clarke or close relatives that are in the immediate vicinity of Arcadia? It's for our surprise."**

Lincoln slowly looked away from me as he focus his attention to Lexa, **"I know of only three people and the four of them was said to be inseparable before. The first one is Clarke's older cousin Roan, who was very close to her growing up. He arrived this morning from his hometown to surprise Clarke for her birthday. He has an apartment near Arcadia High. The second one is Wells, Clarke's childhood friend. He went to boarding school after sixth grade to an undisclosed location somewhere in Polis. The third is Echo, Roan's childhood friend. She is also close to Clarke before. She is a teacher here for freshman students. I can take you to her now if you want to talk to her."**

Lexa nodded and let Lincoln lead the way to the freshman wing. I held her back a little so that Lincoln wouldn't hear my inquiries, **"Lexa, how do you know Lincoln?"**

 **"Looks like someone's interested."** She playfully nudge me and I just looked at her sternly. She laughed as she continued, **"He served under my father in the military before. He's like a family to us but we lost contact when my father died. I didn't know that he was retired from military service until this year when I observed Clarke going home with some random guy trailing behind. I followed them discreetly one day because I thought he was a bad guy but was shocked to learn it was Lincoln. The next day I saw him arriving 5 minutes after Clarke's parents drop her off to school and heading to the security office. I approached him and he told me his story. After leaving the military, he was hired by Clarke's parents as her personal bodyguard. We kept in touch but as far as I know, Clarke has no idea that I knew about him."**

 **"Wow. I didn't even knew she had a bodyguard here."** I mumbled.

 **"Here we are. Echo meet Lexa and Octavia, Clarke's friends."** Lincoln introduced us.

I shook Echo's hand. Lexa looked like she was deep in thought and Echo was suspiciously avoiding looking at Lexa directly.

 **"You're Aden's teacher right?"** Lexa asked.

 **"Yeah, I am. He is a good kid and very smart too."** Echo answered, looking at Lincoln. Lexa narrowed her eyes at her.

 **"Right..anyway I would just like to thank you for the lunch you gave Aden. He speaks highly of you."** Lexa was trying to meet Echo's eye.

 **"I'm sorry...what lunch?"** Echo answered. She looked nervous and definitely lying. I might not know what the hell they are talking about but I do know how to spot liars. Living in the bad side of town, you kind of learn how to spot them for survival.

 **"It's ok Echo. Aden already told me about it, I just want to thank you personally."** Lexa answered back.

 **"I really have no idea what you're talking about."** Echo insisted. I stepped forward, invading Echo's personal space causing her to back up. Lincoln was looking at Echo intensely and I saw her met his eyes briefly before looking away.

 **''I'm sure the principal would like to know how a simple teacher like you would have the capability to provide such fancy lunch for your favorite student. I'm actually on my way to meet him now, I'll be glad to commend your generous efforts to him. Thanks."** Lexa's tone has turned ice cold in a matter of seconds, far from the upbeat words that spilled from her. She turned to walk away and I followed. Lincoln stayed rooted in his place as he engage in a silent conversation with Echo, shaking his head firmly while Echo catch up to us.

 **"Wait...I'll tell you the truth just please...Let's talk,"** She pleaded as Lexa just stared hard at her.

 **"Start talking."** It was a silent threat and command.

Echo told us everything. I was a bit shocked but Lexa looked absolutely miserable. Silent tears was streaming down her face as she trembled and kept her fists clenched. I felt awkward witnessing this personal moment but I was sad too. I held her hand while Lincoln pulled her in for a hug. Echo was just silently staring into the wall after telling her story, her eyes bright with hidden tears. Lincoln just bowed his head, a silent gesture of acknowledgement, as Echo told her tale and it was that simple act of his that told me she was telling the truth.

The story is about a beautiful blonde haired, blue eyed girl who fell in love with the son of her family's sworn enemy in business. Their young love defied their parent's instilled hate for the other and they kept each other afloat against the cruel world they grew up in. Unfortunately love wasn't enough for the boy to fight his demons so he took his own life, all the while thinking he was worthless and will never have the blonde girl's undivided attention. The girl's world shattered as she watched her first love fell. She was never the same after and the worst part was no one can know their story, so she grieve alone. She lost her light and drown in the darkness of sorrow alone. In a desperate effort to get her life back and find glimpses of light, she set out to find the people that needed help. Unbeknownst to her parents, she signs up for voluntary work at the local public hospital to assist and give blood to those in need when her parents was out for business trips. One day, she approached the little boy who she always look after when his visitors were out. She tells him stories of brave knights and kings who ruled great kingdoms. She later learned he was the younger brother of one of her classmate and that his family is financially unstable at the moment. She secretly paid for all his medicines and convince his doctor to tell them it was free of charge. She learned that he was under her old friends class and that he performed great in class just as his sister so she devised a way to help his family further. She cooked extra of all her favorite healthy foods and gave it to her bodyguard to be passed along to Echo. She was instructed to give it to the boy as a reward with the condition that he maintains his good grades. The girl also made sure that the principal wouldn't dare to remove him from his scholarship even if he was absent a lot due to sickness as long as his grades can back up his great intellectual ability. This includes his sister too, for being absent sometimes in order to look after her brother. The boy figured it all out though but promised to keep it a secret and tell no one about it. The girl was glad for she said she saw glimpses of light in him and her sister. She thinks that maybe there is still a little hope left in this world. So she kept waking up and going to school day after day, with her perfect smile even if her whole body is fighting her for it. She kept on facing sunrise after sunrise without seeing the sun but rising just the same. This girl is a fighter and we call her _'Clarke'_.

Lexa stood up straight after a few minutes and get herself together. With a new found vigor and purpose, she finalized the rest of the plan with us before excusing herself to take care of other things accompanied by Lincoln. He looked at me before he left and his eyes told me so much without hearing him speak. It was a look of promise and of something more. I stared until I can no longer see them before heading to class and facing the music.

 **"Hey O, how was practice?"** Clarke asked, her smile firmly in place.

 **"It was ok."** I replied as I looked at her sadly. I would never look at her the same again.

 **"Is there a problem? You look down, can I help?"** she asked worried and I just shook my head. Raven met my eyes and with just a look she knew then that I knew what she found out about Clarke last year but wouldn't tell me. She nodded sadly as I looked back at Clarke's worried face.

 **"It's nothing. Just a lot on my mind."** I sat down and let myself get lost in the daunting life of a normal student.

I spent the remaining part of the day in silence. Clarke let me be, though I would occasionally see her throwing worried glances at me. Raven managed to talked to Lexa on the phone for updates when she went to the restroom. I worry if we still have enough time to pull off this much needed surprise. The day is almost over and there's still much to be done. When the bell for the dismissal rang, I bade goodbye to Raven who said she had 'things to do'. Clarke made her way to the gate and I insisted in following her. When we were almost to her car, outside the gate, Lincoln suddenly appeared from the woods telling us to stay back. I looked at Clarke questioningly and she shrugged telling me, he was her own personal bodyguard and was not supposed to show himself to anyone in school unless she called him. She looked at him for an explanation.

 **"Sorry...Something's not right. Stay behind me both of you, I can feel someone watching us."** He barely glanced at me as he held his arms with a gun outstretched, eyes flitting in every dark corners of the woods surrounding the outer vicinity of Arcadia High. Clarke looked compose though, even managing to smile at me.

 **"Sorry about this O, probably just a camper passing by."** she said.

I opened my mouth to reply when out of the woods, a black rough looking Rover skidded to a halt in front of us and 6 hooded figures went out. Lincoln fired his gun but was struck by a seventh hooded figure that came running from the woods behind us. He crumpled to the ground. All seven approached us now. I kicked and punched but the two assailants fighting me were crazy good and none of my punch and kick landed on them. They both took each of my arm and pinned me down so I couldn't move. I tried shouting a warning to Clarke but someone put their hands on my mouth, effectively stopping my screams. Clarke surprisingly knew martial arts as she kicked two of our assailants in the face, making them stagger on their feet. The three remaining hooded figures simultaneously rushed at her and put a cloth on her nose. She was out in an instant. They put her in the car and surprisingly the two hooded figures holding me down, let me go when the car's engine was already running. They both jumped into the backseat. The car roared in the road as I futilely ran to catch up to them shouting,

 **"Clarke! Hold on, we'll get you back!"** before collapsing on the ground.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ##### Every heart sings  
>  A song incomplete  
>  Until another heart  
>  Whispers back.  
>  \---Plato


	10. CLARKE - The Silent Goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The title was your first warning.
> 
> This is your second:  
> If you want to keep your sanity intact and your heart to stay whole, probably best to skip this chapter.
> 
> Disclosure:  
> Clarke's entire storyline is based on my Life, and my life story wouldn't be complete without this chapter.
> 
> If all those warnings weren't enough,  
> I'll leave you with two words..  
> "I'm sorry..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ##### She'll cry one more time tonight,  
>  Hoping it's the last  
>  And I'll lay beside her  
>  A thousand miles apart  
>  Shedding the same tears  
>  Knowing it's not.  
>  \---Leo Christopher

I sat perched on my seat, as hot tears race down my face, blurring my vision. I made sure I kept my lips slightly parted and my breathing slow, it's a trick in silent crying that I've perfected overtime to avoid drawing attention in public settings. It's especially useful now that I needed to alleviate this pain privately otherwise my anguished cries will surely fill up the silent rooms and hallways of Arcadia High. My heart is gripped with a sadness so deep, it begs to be let out or I wouldn't be able to breathe and I already felt like I'm running out of air. My body trembles ever so slightly from all my pent up emotions. My one hand kept running through my already mussed up hair in a futile attempt to help clear my rampaging mind, while my other hand is clutched firmly in my chest, trying to soothe some of the pain from my already racing heart.

I'm thankful for my parent's private room hidden inside the principal's office, granting me a few minutes away from the public's judging eyes. I don't usually give in to my emotions because it's selfish and will benefit no one, and I am never allowed to be seen like this; broken and completely out of sorts. But walking away from Lexa when all I wanted was to hold on to her, had emotionally impacted me, leaving me with a barrage of painful emotions that I swore I never wanted to feel again. I didn't even know it was possible to feel a pain much deeper than the consuming pain of Finn's death. It's overwhelming and extremely crippling and too much for one fragile heart to contain.

Standing in that hallway, witnessing Lexa putting that note in my locker; leaving no doubt that she is indeed 'Will', had my heart soaring with joy. For once the world looked kindly upon me and answered my prayer. With my heart in my throat, I whispered her name in awe. She closed her eyes and I briefly panicked as I saw tears ran down her cheeks. With trembling hands I wiped them gently, unsure if I was even allowed the luxury of touching her. I almost drew back my hands when I felt my fingers tremor and tingled hot in the place where it touched Lexa's skin. I felt a myriad of confusing and exhilarating emotions at that moment, emotions that can not be described by words. It felt like lightning volts igniting my veins, like hot flames sparking my desolate heart to life, leaving me in a weird state of shock and yearning. I saw her clenched her teeth as she gripped the locker doors hard for support, which had me silently wishing she felt them too.

But just as my heart instantly filled with joy, it was replaced with despair just as quick. Lexa held out today's note for me and I read it reverently, storing each words in my heart. I felt my heart clenched painfully as I read, knowing that this might be the last time I would ever get them. I looked up at her fully intending to hold back the pain and just smile but a single tear escaped and with it my resolve crumbles and I let the tears flow. It's a mystery how I never seem to be in control of my emotions whenever Lexa is around. The fog of despair slowly engulfs me. Even Lexa's confession that she likes me wasn't enough for me to pretend to be happy. My eyes met hers, hoping to convey all the words I couldn't say. It's crazy to miss someone so much even when they are standing right in front of you but that was exactly what I felt at that moment. Physically, I will still see her, in class or in the hallways; but emotionally, we can never be. It was only a few months until graduation, then my family and I are scheduled to move to the far side of the country. It's better to end whatever this is before it even begins, that way it wouldn't hurt us as much. She will remain to be my greatest wish that never came true, the joy that I never deserved. As a parting gift, I hand her my personal journal full of my sketches and poignant entries that offer a glimpse of my dark world. I bade her goodbye in my mind, as I slowly walked away, leaving behind all hope for happiness.

The room's in house Ipod is set to play random songs every time it detects someone in the room, and right now, **Chester See'** s melodious voice is singing _**"You're Not The One"**_. How cruel is this world to show me something that my heart yearns for, then reminds me how I can never have her and now mocks me with a song.

> **\--But you're not the one**  
>  **\--'Cause you don't wanna be**  
>  **\--I might have chosen you**  
>  **\--But you chose differently**  
>  **\--You might make me feel whole**  
>  **\--I don't make you complete**  
>  **\--I will grow old with you**  
>  **\--But you've grown tired of me**  
>  **\--You're not the one**  
>  **\--'Cause you don't wanna be**

I smiled bitterly to myself because of course, I'm not 'the one' not because I don't want to be but because my world will never let me. And I choose her, I will always choose Lexa. She stood by me even when she didn't know I was all but ready to die. Her notes kept me alive and gave me strength to face each day. But Love is a foreign concept here and will never survive in my dark cruel world. Our carefully planned business goals and objectives will almost always contradict to Love's unplanned and spontaneous ways. I would only end up hurting the person that I love or worse destroying them just like I did Finn. I can't give myself completely for I, myself, am bound by the ever present expectations of my parents. I'd rather destroy myself than hurt a person as pure as Lexa. I will never forgive myself if I end up hurting her.

Looking out the window overlooking the beautiful front gardens of Arcadia High, I closed my eyes as I fought to calm my nerves and clear my mind. I need to go out soon and my current state is nowhere near presentable. The loud ringing of the room's business phone forced me to snap my eyes open. I sighed as I quickly turned off the Ipod. There are only two people who will call this number at this time and neither of the two will be happy to talk to me. I struggle to compose myself and regain the steadiness of my voice as I answered the dreaded phone call.

 **"Hello?"** my voice broke a little and I winced.

 **"Clarke?! What.The.Hell.Were.You.Thinking! You know the number one rule about going to school is that your mother and I will be the only ones allowed to drive you to school! Not only did you disregard that rule, you went on to blatantly disregard several rules as well! You left without anyone knowing. You even left your own bodyguard! For Christ sake Clarke, Lincoln's been going out of his mind with worry, we all are! How selfish can you be?!"** Jake's loud sharp voice broke the silence of the room. I winced at every accusation. I felt guilty when I remembered that I indeed left Lincoln behind.

 **"I'm certain you used the hidden back roads again which means you went out your bedroom window instead of the front door, that is probably why Lincoln never saw you go out. I swear Clarke, I'm going to start posting hundreds of guards there! To hell with your privacy, let's see if you'll try to sneak out again! And you left a f*cking note for us?! Tell me Clarke, are you the f*cking president of the country?! Are you so important now that you can't even tell 'Goodbye' to your parents personally? What gives you the right, young lady, to leave us notes?! Do you disrespect us that much huh?!"** Jake pounded the table with each question, leaving me cringing at the other side of the phone. I expected this the moment I made the decision to come to school alone, but even knowing it's coming, his words still stung like hell.

 **"I'm sorry Dad.."** it was all I can say without stuttering.

 **"Your _'Sorry'_ does not excuse your behavior, young lady! Why do you even have to go to school early?! What can be so important that you can't wait for us to take you there?! Do you think just because it's your birthday today that you can just do whatever you want?! Do you think it gives you a free pass in life?! Answer me!"** Jake thunders as I gripped the phone tighter. My tears threatening to spill any second.

 **"No Dad, it doesn't.."** I answered in an almost whisper.

 **"You are in deep trouble young lady! And don't expect any celebration today you hear me?! You're lucky we have an early meeting today otherwise you will have your first televised punishment. We are not done yet, you go straight home after school and face the consequences of your actions!"** I stayed silent. Then I heard Abby on the line,

 **"I am so disappointed in you, Clarke."** she didn't shout, didn't even raised her voice, it was just said in a soft and very sad voice. My heart sunk as I realized I let her down yet again. Her words are the ones that cut me more than all the hurtful words Dad said. That one sentence was enough for the flood gates to open and burst.

 **"I'm sorry Mom. I'm so so sorry. I'm sorry..."** I sobbed on the phone, unable to held back my emotions.

I just really want to feel my mother's embrace right now. I know it wasn't possible. I was raised with barely a handful of warm personal contact. Ever since I was a kid, they would refrain from cuddling me, or hugging me, they wouldn't even give me a pat in the back. They only ever put their hands around me when there are press people or in mandatory Family portraits. It was ingrained in their teachings that I never rely on physical connections even to my parents, in order to make me a more focused and independent President someday. They believe it will only make me soft and unfit to takeover the business if they are lenient with me. The last time Mom and Dad held me was on the day of Finn's death which is already a year from now.

Today, I just need my Mom. I just want to feel my Mom's warm embrace for my birthday, to feel safe even just for a few minutes. Maybe it would be enough to convince me to stay in this world. Everything just seems so pointless now. I don't see the importance of continuing to exist, when my future holds nothing but heart aches. No one notices that I'm slowly drowning in this infinite sea of misery, not even my own mother.

 **"Pull yourself together Clarke. You know very well you're not supposed to show any kind of weakness. Do not do this again you hear me? You're not just someone Clarke, you are the daughter of one of the richest people in our country. Do you think it's safe for you to be alone? We have a lot of competitors and there are tons of people who will gladly use you as leverage to get what they want. Do you see now why there are rules in place? Why we are so strict about you always being with Lincoln at all times and going straight home after school? I expected better from you Clarke. I'm thoroughly disappointed."** Abby's voice was surprisingly gentle with a hint of sadness.

 **"I understand Mom. It wont happen again."** I don't deserve her gentleness when I let her down again and again. I let Dad down. I let Lexa down. I let Lincoln down. I even let my friends down by refusing to talk to them when all they wanted was to help. I let them all down. Maybe that's all I'm good at, disappointing the people I hold dear. They deserve more than how I'm treating them. I am nothing but a burden to everybody. Perhaps they are all better off without me.

 **"Alright, we will talk more when you get home. We will not tolerate this, Clarke. You made us all worry for nothing. You need to learn that there are consequences for disobeying rules."** At last Mom's voice was stern. A very happy birthday to me.

 **"Ok Mom. Bye."** I hang up the phone and let the darkness completely into my heart.

I finally understand how Finn felt on that fateful night. When he chose to end it all and he no longer felt hope. My love wasn't even enough to make him stay. I thought it was my fault, but now I understand. It wasn't just up to me. It's when absolutely everything in life that we placed our hope and love into crushed our spirit one by one. It's when you have no hope at all because everything else gets taken away from you. Life gives us hope only to take it away when we least expect it. I will never know happiness now that I've turn my back on it. I now stand on the edge of the proverbial cliff and I see that Life is pointless. My future offers me nothing that I can look forward to. It only consists of wave upon wave of disappointments. I'm tired. I'm so tired of pretending, of doing everything I can to make everybody happy, of giving up what I want, I'm tired of being me. I wouldn't mind dying. I don't understand why people are afraid of death. Death feels like the nicest, never ending uninterrupted sleep. Death grants rest to the tired and weary souls.

Today is a good day as any to take my last bow in this world. I inhaled a deep breath and exhaled. I wiped my tears and fixed my hair. I looked at the mirror to assess my body, avoiding my eyes. I needed to look good on my birthday and my last day on Earth. It's befitting that I would leave this world on the same day that I entered it 17 years ago. I wiped the few tears that escaped and put up my perfect smile one last time. One last day to say goodbye to everyone.

I went straight to the front gardens to wait for Octavia and Raven. I want to make up for lost time by spending my last day with them. I hope I can at least leave them a happy memory to remember me by. I'm tempted to wear my sunglasses again to hide my impending tears but my off day is over. Today I need to face the world with a smile. I parted my lips and breath slow as I counted to ten while steadying my breathing. I glanced up at the sun, admiring its brilliance as it lights up the land. The clouds were fluffy and scattered against the calm blue expanse of the sky. It wasn't too hot as the winds blew softly every now and then. The lush green gardens of Arcadia High acclimates best with the school's grand architecture. The laughter of students serves as the perfect symphony. It was a perfect day. The last perfect day I will ever witness. I felt oddly nostalgic. It's strange how you see the hidden beauty of everything when you know it'll be your last day. I felt mix emotions as I looked around me, trying to commit to memory the faces of everyone and the beauty of the place. Whatever lies beyond this life, I hope I can retain some of my memories.

I went in just before the class bell rang. I didn't see Octavia nor Raven. Maybe they decided not to come to school today in order to get away from me. I don't blame them, I didn't even acknowledged their presence the entire day yesterday. I was so consumed with my own depression, that I felt numb with everything else. Maybe Dad was right, I am selfish. I'm just sad that I couldn't even hug them goodbye or thank them for being the wonderful friends that they are. I know I don't deserve them.

Staring straight ahead, I was met with an empty seat. Lexa didn't attend first period too. I bit my lip as I bowed my head. I knew full well that it was because of what happened earlier. She's never been absent in class aside from the random times that she needed to look after Aden. But today she didn't come to class even if she's already at school, because of me. We have a long exam at one of our subject later and non-attendance meant automatic failure. God, I really hate myself! I destroy everything I touch. I would end up to be the reason Lexa loses her much needed scholarship. I can't let that happen. I can't be the reason for the destruction of her future. I need to fix this.

I was just about to stand up and excuse myself from class when Raven strode in. The teacher immediately scolded her for being half an hour late. I never heard her excuse for being late because I was too busy looking gratefully at her. She sat down next to me without speaking. She put out her notebook and began copying notes, completely ignoring me. I didn't mind. I was just glad I get to see her today. I glanced at the door every few minutes, willing Octavia or Lexa to appear, but they never did. At various times, I saw Raven staring at me from the corner of my eye. She never said anything though, so I just smiled at her. She would look away as soon as she saw me looking at her and would sigh heavily. I felt a bit hurt at being ignored but I stayed silent. She and Octavia are the closest thing I have to a sister so I value their interactions with me. When the third period ended, Raven still hadn't spoken to me and I just couldn't take it anymore; I blocked her way as she stood up to go to the restroom. She arched her eyebrows in question. I couldn't stop myself as I hugged her tight; tighter than I've ever hugged her. I hope she felt the love I have for her in that hug. I hope she felt everything that I couldn't put into words.

 **"Are you ok, Clarke?"** Raven asked as she hugged me back hesitantly. I swallowed the lump in my throat as I held back tears. It's so damn hard to stay compose when I know that this might be the last hug I would ever give her.

 **"Rave, you know that I love you right? You and Octavia.."** I whispered. Raven tried to broke free from the hug but I held on to her, I wasn't ready yet.

 **"I actually didn't know that. You love me?"** Raven jokingly asked. I didn't reply, I just held her tighter as I fight off tears with every labored breath. I couldn't stop the strangled sob that escaped my lips. Raven stiffened.

 **"I love you too Clarke. What's wrong?",** she was worried now.

I forced myself to smile as I released her from the hug, **"Nothing's wrong. I just...I want to say sorry for the way I acted yesterday, I was going thru something. It's inexcusable, I know. I just..I want you to know that I am really sorry..."** ( _and that I value your friendship and that all I really want to say is ~~goodbye.~~._ )

 **"It's ok, just don't do it again ok?"** She smiled but didn't wait for my reply, she went out of the room quickly. I looked at her sadly as I returned to my seat.

By the time she came back, I've already calmed down and was ready to act normal again. Our fourth period teacher still hadn't arrived. I asked Raven about Octavia's whereabouts and she told me O had Soccer practice today and wasn't sure if she could make it to the last period. I nodded sadly. If O can't make it until last period, I might not see her again.

 **"So Clarke, do you have other friends? Beside me and Octavia of course."** Raven asked.

I thought of an appropriate response. I couldn't very well tell her that I wasn't allowed to have friends. **"Oh uhm..Well there's really no one else aside from you guys. I was always busy with school and work training that I barely have time to meet new friends. Oh wait...there is Wells, my childhood friend but we lost contact awhile back because of our mutual full schedules. We grew up together and he used to play with me and my older cousin Roan, when we were kids. They move to Polis when we were on 9th grade. His father owns several banks there, so he is also being trained to manage their business."**

**"That's great. Where is he now?"**

**"His last email said he was enrolled in the famous Polis Elite Boarding School which I think is about two hours ride from here. Why do you ask?"** I looked at her curiously.

 **"Oh nothing, I was just curious about your life before we met. Anyway, any other friends?"** I was barely listening to Raven. My mind kept going back to Lexa, why didn't I hug her when I had the chance.

 **"There's Echo but she's 5 years older than me. She used to date my cousin Roan before his family moved up north. I haven't spoken to Echo in awhile though. She works as a Freshman Teacher here at Arcadia High. I'll introduce her to you uhm...someday."** I stated distractedly, as my eyes stayed straight ahead.

Raven was looking at me with an unreadable expression. Our teacher drones on and on about the lesson but I couldn't tear my eyes away from the vacant seat up ahead. Raven cleared her throat making me almost jumped up in surprise.

 **"You looking for Lexa, Clarke?"** Raven asked smirking.

I blushed despite myself as I shook my head, no.

Raven smiled knowingly at me, **"Too bad, I just so happen to know where she is right now."**

 **"Where?"** I blurted out.

Raven burst out laughing, making our teacher looked sharply at both of us. I bowed my head in shame as I kicked Raven under the chair. Thankfully, she sobered up quick and our teacher turn his attention back to the board.

 **"Aden was not feeling well so she took him home early. I saw them in the hallway before I got in at first period."** Raven answered, her smile still in place.

She nudge me playfully, **"So do you know who 'Will' is?"**

I immediately averted my eyes, pretending to look at the board instead, **"No idea. I thought I told you guys to let it be, whoever Will is, she deserves her privacy."**

 **"She?"** Raven asked in challenging tone.

 **"Or he. Whatever. Let's focus on the lesson Raven. We have an exam later."** I pretended to read the board as she chuckled.

 **"Whatever you say Clarke, but you should know that I think it's Lexa. She's a good catch too; beautiful, intelligent, loves to read like you, responsible, devoted and if the notes where any indication, extremely romantic. What more could you ask for Clarke?"** Raven whispered, her tone playful. If only she knew how I picked up the wreckage of my heart as I turned away from Lexa, how every step I take away from her broke my heart more. If only she knew that the only reason I was looking for Lexa was to have the chance to hug her one last time.

I ignored Raven's persistent happy ramblings about Lexa, instead I let my mind wonder on my plans later. It would have to be at home, in my room, away from the public's prying eyes. I have to endure one last punishment from my parents but I have to make sure to hug each of them extra tight. I have to say sorry even if they didn't know it wasn't just sorry for what I did but also for what I will do. I can't tell them _**'I love you'**_ personally because we aren't a very vocal family. I'll probably leave them a letter. I sighed as I force my attention back to the present.

I smiled at Raven before I took her hand. I held it the entire class, she gave my hand a little squeeze but didn't say anything which I'm thankful. When our exam came, I stared blankly at my paper. What does this test matter anyways. I wouldn't be around to see my score. I looked around and saw that everyone was busy answering their test except for me. I flipped the page over and in the blank page I sketched the last sunrise I had witnessed. Halfway through, tears started blurring my vision so I had to stop for awhile to compose myself. I needed to finish it so I got myself together and put all my emotions into my drawing. When it was done, I felt proud for it was the most magnificent sunrise I had ever drawn. I almost didn't want to pass my paper but this would be my legacy, the last work of art that I had created. I titled it ** _"The Dusk of Sunrise"_**. Dusk signifies the end of something and that's where I am right now, at the end of the sunrise of my life.

Octavia went to class on the second to the last period. I wanted to hug her too but something in her expression stopped me. She looked really sad when she looked at me, which is an odd expression to have coming from a Soccer practice. I asked her what's wrong but all she said was she's just tired. I knew right away it was a lie but I let her have her privacy. After all, I'm keeping something from her too. I kept glancing at her though, making sure she doesn't break down. Luckily we made it through the end of the day. Raven went ahead but Octavia insisted on accompanying me to the gates.

I didn't question her strange behavior because I figured she had something to tell me privately and I needed every extra time I get to spend with her. Unlike Raven, Octavia is very observant and stubborn so I can't just hug her tight without giving her an acceptable excuse as to why.

Before reaching the car however, Lincoln suddenly catch up to us and held us back telling us he felt someone watching us. I shrug it off as Lincoln just having one of his protective days. He overacts sometimes and we end up just getting paranoid over nothing. But he is good in his job and his motto is _**'Better safe than sorry'** _ so I indulge his protective mode most of the time. He's probably just showing off to Octavia. He's been asking me quite a lot about my friend. I was planning on introducing him to O but I kept forgetting it. I felt guilty that their first meeting will be this random just because I didn't introduced them sooner. I glanced at Octavia and assured her everything was fine.

Out of nowhere, a Rover stopped near us and a group of hooded people went towards our direction. Lincoln fought the first wave but he was subdued by a hidden member of the group. Concern for Lincoln, flared hot in my mind but I couldn't go to him because I have to keep Octavia safe. Unknown to a lot of people, I know a bit of self defense. Thanks to Lincoln who finally agreed to train me after Finn's death. It was a great way to channel my anger during those first few months. I don't even care about my safety but I am concern about Octavia's. I easily put down two of the assailants but when I looked up three of them rushed me and put a cloth over my nose and mouth. I felt the darkness slowly clouding my vision and I knew this was it. I couldn't fight them anymore. Before the darkness completely overwhelmed me, I caught sight of O pinned to the ground by two assailants. I wanted to help her but my eyes felt so heavy. I heard her screamed my name as I was being carried to the car. My whole body was limp, I closed my eyes. I saw flashes of Mom and Dad, of Raven and Octavia, and lastly I saw Lexa. Her bright green eyes held me in place, reminding me of happy moments spent in the green expanse of the garden near the cliff, where I spent countless days watching the magnificent sunrise.

The car started moving as the darkness claimed me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ##### Your burdens maybe heavy,  
>  But my love is strong.  
>  \---Jessica Katoff
> 
>  


	11. CLARKE - Bitter Sweet Surrender

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To those subscribed to this story, and to everyone who left kudos, comment or just silently read this story, Thank you!! I am deeply grateful and honored.
> 
> Please forgive me for the long intervals of chapters posted, every chapter I have written is a painful walk down memory lane so it was hard to write at times.
> 
> This one's a bit long and probably boring but specially fun to write.
> 
> Again, all the way from the other side of the world (Philippines), Thank you!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ##### You are in my heart  
>  The same way  
>  The sun comes up in the day  
>  And all of the stars disappears,  
>  I see nothing else  
>  When you are here.  
>  \---Beau Taplin

I opened my eyes to complete and utter darkness. It was the kind of darkness that swallows you whole and leaves you gasping for air, with both arms flailing about, hoping for any kind of support.

My mind had gone completely blank. I felt a stirring of a long ago feeling in my chest; An overwhelming sense of panic, pierced my heart as I looked around and saw only thick, unyielding darkness. There was no light in sight. My body was suspended in the bottomless pit of nothing; floated and untethered. I closed my eyes and tried to feel at peace. This was what I always wanted, to be free from all my burdens and to not be incharge of anything. I tried to feel contented and happy but the strange feeling in my gut wouldn't let me. I felt paralyzed with fear at the thought of spending eternity adrift in this desolate dark place, all alone. I have no idea where I am. Is this supposed to be the afterlife? This wasn't at all how I imagined death to be. Weirdly, I still felt my heart, beating furiously hard in my chest. 

I was trying hard to recall the last memory I had before ending up here when I heard a faint whisper of something up ahead. I panicked at the thought of someone else trapped here with me, because as scary as it sounds, being alone in the dark is infinitely better than being alone in the dark with someone you couldn't see. My heart raced as dread filled my mind. I closed my eyes and tried to think of something else; but fear had me in its hold. The image of Finn's broken and decaying body making his way towards me, popped up in my mind and I screamed in absolute fear. I wanted out of this wretched place! How can I ever thought death was the answer? ( _Stupid Clarke! You hadn't think this through and now you're stuck here in the dark with no way out._ ) 

I snapped my eyes open and darkness met me once again but at least it was just black and devoid of faces of dead love ones. It was silent for a few minutes. The thick silence was unbearable, and it only seems to make my overactive mind think of the worst. I nearly cried when the whispers started again. It was getting closer but I still couldn't understand what it was saying. Unable to move, I gave up all attempts at escape and tried to decipher the whispers instead. It came in bits and pieces but it gets clearer as the whispers neared.

**"Clarke..Clarke.."**

It was calling my name. There's something about that voice that sounded oddly familiar. I racked my brain trying to think of who the voice could belong to but my mind came up empty. 

**"Come back..."**

**"Who...who are you?"** I asked but I was met once again with silence. I waited for a few minutes more, knowing full well I would hear it once again. After what seemed like an eternity, I heard it again.

**"Please Clarke..."**

The voice sounded hauntingly sad and beautiful. I was drawn to it. Even in my current conflicted state, I still felt the depth of the voice's misery. The way it said my name, desperate and dejected, like it had been heartbroken for far too long. My heart ached along with it. 

**"Please.."**

I stiffened, I knew that voice! All traces of fear vanished. The haze in my head cleared and my heart stuttered as my mind remembered the face that owned that voice. How can I forget? It was the voice I promised myself I would always recognize anywhere, the only voice I would hear amidst the roaring noise of everyone. It was the voice that I would gladly follow to the ends of the world. The voice that invoked the feeling of home: safe and loved. I pinched the bridge of my nose in frustration because I still couldn't remember the name. It dances at the tip of my tongue, teasing me with memories of a forgotten time where I constantly made sure that I get every syllable of that name right, the name escaping my lips with barely restrained awe.

**"Clarke..."**

I had never thought in a million years, that my name could sound so shattered and devastated but hopeful at the same time. It sounded like a soldier's dying prayer; like a sick child's most fervent wish. My tears fell one by one as I felt the anguished whisper of the voice that conjured images of magnificent sunrise across the vast green forest, of intense green eyes that I just want to get lost into. I saw flashes of her beautiful face: stoic, determined, concerned, soft, and achingly sad. I finally remembered her name.

 **"Lexa?"** I whispered, shocked. As if she will magically appear beside me, I frantically looked around, my heart thudding painfully in my chest. But she wasn't there, I was still alone in this never ending darkness. I might just be imagining her voice.

The thing is, no matter what I told myself, my mind just wouldn't let me give up. I desperately wished to see her right now and that one wish, ignited the flame in my heart that course through me and gave me hope. I felt my feet met solid ground. Up ahead, a slither of light broke through. It was far away and very small but compared to the vast darkness of this place, it was more than enough light. Like the three wise kings, who journeyed to Bethlehem thousands of years ago, in search for the baby Jesus Christ guided only by a single shining star; with her image burned in my mind, I made my way towards the light.

**"Please...come back Clarke.."**

I ran. Never mind that everywhere was still covered in darkness, never mind that I think this might just be a trap, never mind that I stumbled several times as I made my way towards that light. The only thing that mattered right now, was making sure I reach that light. I heard Lexa called my name once more and I sprinted even faster. I had never ran so fast in my life. Hope fiercely rage inside of me, fueling my desire and cementing my new found resolve.

I halted at the boundary of darkness and bowed my head in order to protect my eyes from the blinding brilliant light. A flicker of doubt worm its way to my mind as I tried to think of what lies behind this light. It might just be another dark place, disguised with its entrance of light; but at this point, I have nothing left to lose. What can be worst than this? What can be worst than dying? Although, I'm starting to question if I'm really dead. I don't think dead people feel their heart race as fast as mine does right now.

I inhaled a deep quivering breath, took a big leap of faith and jumped into the unknown. 

* * *

I sat up with a sharp gasped of air as soon as my eyes opened. I was surrounded with darkness still but this time, it wasn't absolute. The moon peeked behind tall branches of trees; the shining stars were scattered throughout the night sky. I shook my head in disbelief while I fought hard to keep my breathing even and my heartbeat steady. It was all just a nightmare, an extremely vivid and harrowing nightmare. I kept my eyes closed as wave upon wave of relief washed over me. I inhaled the unbelievably fresh air, savoring every sweet breath. I lifted my hands to my chest to feel the steady beating of my heart but the thick rope that binds them snapped me back into reality. My heart dropped as the events that transpired prior to my paralyzing nightmare, rushed to the forefront of my memories. I remembered the dark hooded assailants, Lincoln's crumpled form, Octavia's pinned down body, and my own drugged out body being brought to the car while I slowly lose consciousness.

I shot my eyes open, my mind easily collecting information based on what I can see, hear, smell and feel in a matter of seconds. I sat on a blanket that is unbelievably made up of soft gray fur, almost like the fur blanket in my room. It was neatly sprawled in a small clearing of large overgrown trees with thick branches that inter lap with each other, resulting in the illusion of cave like darkness. The small gaps in between trees, allows a small glimpse of the moonlit brilliance of the night. The fresh smell of pine trees, along with a bit of firewood and small traces of different perfumes, overwhelmed my sense of smell. I could hear the usual soft buzz of night insects and the cackling of firewood burning in a distance. The cool night breeze, graze my cheeks as I glanced down at my body. I was still wearing Finn's black trench coat, all buttoned up, which explained why I wasn't freezing in here. My dark stilettos were gone, instead I wore a pair of black stylish boots with golden threads. My laid back blonde hair that I usually just left splayed straight up to my shoulders, was now arranged into an intricate braid.

Although my hands and feet were tied, they weren't bound tightly but not loosely either. I am relatively clean and weirdly well rested. Anyone who stumble upon this bizarre scene will assume I was just about ready to take a fancy stroll in the forest. I felt rather confuse to the intentions of my kidnappers, why would they take the time to make me look good unless they are planning on televising whatever their dark plans are. It's definitely possible, seeing as we have more than a handful of business enemies that will greatly benefit from my abduction. Notwithstanding the high possibility of corporate fallout, even the smallest amount of ransom they can demand is enough for any ordinary man to live like a king his entire life. It's no secret that our family's financial net worth can rival the entire net worth of the royal family of England. For as long as I can remember, Dad had been insisting that I take an entire team of bodyguards with me wherever I go, but I beg off instead convincing them that Lincoln is more than capable to protect me. Look where that hardheadedness got me now. I don't really care about me rather the repercussion of this tragedy to my parents and our company. Even in death, I am a disappointment to them.

I am also wracked with worry for Octavia and Lincoln. Even if Lincoln was struck down hard during the attack, I am certain he still lives, he's made up of much tougher stuff and had survived an attack worse than this. Octavia herself is a born fighter, still I can't help feeling that this was all my fault. They never would have been hurt if they weren't connected to me. Like a rose, all those who tried to be near me, got hurt by my thorns. My mere existence puts every person I care about in danger.

I sighed deeply as I think about Mom and Dad who I'm pretty sure is already neck deep in anger right now because I didn't came home on time. Seeing as the only witness to my abduction was Octavia and Lincoln, and both are probably also being held against their will somewhere, no one will ever suspect that I was abducted rather than running away from home.

I quickly began untying the knots while my mind furiously think of a possible solution to my predicament. Unfortunately, no matter how much I tried, the knots wouldn't budge. It was tied in a way that the more I tried to broke free, it just tightens even more. Making a run for it in the dark, is the most common mistake victims made when escaping their captors, which I have no intention of doing. It will only end up causing me more harm than good, especially since I still don't know where I am. It's always better to have a plan no matter how small. I keep thinking of all the things that can go wrong.

The sound of fast approaching footsteps made me stopped my vain attempt at breaking free of my bonds. I kept my eyes trained in the direction of the sound of broken twigs and rustle of leaves parting. The silhouette of a tall person, wearing a dark hooded coat, crowded my line of sight. I swallowed hard as I tried to keep completely still, in the off chance that he wouldn't notice me. He came to an abrupt stop when he saw me awake. He slowly approached with careful steps, and halted near the foot of the blanket while I backed myself further to the thick trunk of a nearby tree. 

 **"What..what do you...want from me? Where are my...friends?"** I stammered as he stood still for several minutes, his head completely covered by the dark hood as he continued to regard me with what I imagine as a contemplative stare. 

 **"Please. I'll do..whatever...whatever you want...just...please, let my friends go."** I begged as he edge closer and knelt in front of me, still strangely silent. He showed no sign of aggression, but I still felt my heartbeat tripled in fear. My thoughts were full of horrible scenarios.

Just as my heart was about ready to burst, he slowly pulled his hood down. He held up a small glowing stone that briefly illuminated his profile. He looked up at me and I gasped out loud.

**"Lincoln?? What..what's happening? Are you ok? Did you slip past them? Where are we?"**

He'd never before looked at me with a deeply serious and sad expression, while slowly shaking his head. He stayed silent as he took out his dagger and began cutting my bindings. Once free from them, he examined my wrist where a slight red mark was clearly seen. He frowned as he traced them gently and looked somberly at me.

 **"Lincoln, talk to me. What's going on?"** I asked, really confuse. He wouldn't look at me directly which only frustrated me more. He stood up and held out his hand for me. I took it gingerly as I slowly rose to my feet. 

 **"The only thing I can assure you is that you are safe. There was never an attack, it was all just an act. Forgive me, Clarke."** Lincolnanswered, his head bowed.

 **"I don't understand. What do you mean by 'just an act'? We almost got killed! You got struck down! Where's Octavia?!"** I gaped at him in shock. 

 **"Just..we are all safe. Octavia is also safe. She's here somewhere."** he wave his hand in the direction of the woods.

 **"Where is somewhere?!"** I asked, exasperated.

He waved off his hand,  **"That's not important right now-"**

 **"What the hell Lincoln! Enough games, where is she? Take me to her!"**  I cut him off,I am quickly losing my patience. I needed to see Octavia, it's the only way I can be sure she is really safe.

 **"Trust me she is fine. You'll see her later. The important thing right now is your answer. You have two options: the Flashlight or the Recorder?"** He took out the items from the pocket of his coat. I was about to answer when he raised his hand, signaling that he isn't done speaking. As frustratingly irritated as I am, I wanted to hear him out so I nodded my consent.

 **"If you choose the Flashlight, you are free to go and I will personally escort you home. If you choose the Recorder however, everything will be explain to you. Whatever you choose, know that you are safe and I got your back."** he continued as he held up the items for me to choose.

I looked at him like he's crazy but he looked back seriously at me. I wanted to be out of here so bad, especially after the scary nightmare I've just had, but I wanted answers just as bad. Something tells me I wouldn't get the answers by just forcing Lincoln. He is very stubborn sometimes and he stood by his beliefs. I bit back my lip as I tried to mull over my final decision. For the second time today, I took a big leap of faith and reach out for the recorder. I saw Lincoln exhaled in relief as he handed me the recorder.

 **"Before we begin, I need to tell you something and you have to promise not to react until after I have finished what I have to say."** He looked at me for permission to continue. This night is full of surprises, and I don't really like surprises. Against my better judgement, I nodded.

Lincoln briefly smiled at me before continuing, **"Before your Dad hired me, I was a soldier under the direct command of Lexa's Dad."** I opened my mouth to react and he shot me a look to remind me of my promise. I raised my eyebrows instead.

He smirked at me, the nerve of this man is high up the roof. I nodded for him to continue, **"As I was saying, Lexa's Dad, Gus, was like a second father to me and as such, Lexa and Aden were like my siblings. I spent majority of my childhood with them because I was orphaned at an early age. Her Dad was my idol and my inspiration to pursue a career as a soldier. When I got discharge from the military, I transferred here in Arcadia for a fresh start. I lost contact with them and I didn't bother to look them up because I was ashamed of leaving the military. Eventually I learned of their transfer here and the death of my beloved mentor. Lexa and I had kept in touch since then. Why am I telling you all this? Because that pseudo attack made against you was orchestrated by Lexa and she instructed me to tell you that it was all her fault so you should only blame her. But you know me Clarke, I always want to do the fair thing for everyone. Lexa is a good girl and have only the best intention at heart. You should also know that I was a part of this plan, all of us are, therefore we are all part of the blame. Lexa is right, something had to be done. I'm only sorry I didn't do something much sooner."** I am full to the brim with questions that I am impatiently awaiting the answers to. I scowled making Lincoln smile as he gestured at the earphones attached to the recorder. I glared at him letting him know he isn't off the hook yet. I put on the earphones and felt my world shift when I heard Lexa's clear voice. The memory of her hauntingly sorrowful voice in my nightmare is enough to leave me jarred and speechless.

_**"Clarke, if you're hearing this then that means you decided to stay. Thank you. I'm sure Linc already explain some of the things to you but I want to reiterate that this is all my plan. No one else needs to be accountable for the fallout, I take full responsibility. I know you will see this as an act of betrayal but I don't regret it. This needed to be done. Thank God we weren't too late. I understand what you were feeling, Clarke, more than you know. It pains me that you had to go through all that alone. I know about Finn, Clarke."**_

I gasped and hit _'Paused'. I_  looked up at Lincoln and he nodded sadly. 

**"Echo told them everything because Lexa figured out about Aden's lunch and threatened to tell her to the principal if she didn't confessed."**

**"Who is 'them' Lincoln?!"** I asked, shocked. Finn was my most guarded secret. It might be potentially dangerous if word got out about the  real story of his death.

 **"Everyone that matters, Clarke..."** he answered sadly.

 **"What? Tell me you're joking, Lincoln."** this is a disaster!

 **"Relax Clarke, the secret is safe. Continue listening."** He gestured at the recorder.

 **"Lincoln this is serious-"** He crossed the last few steps between us and hugged me causing me to stop mid sentence.

 **"Clarke, please don't ruin the surprise. All will be explain in time. Everything's all right. Please, continue..."** he released me and pressed 'Play'.

Lexa's voice filled my ears once again. Like a girl stranded in an island without company for many years, her voice was like music to my ears.

**_"You never have to face his death alone Clarke. I know depression sats in your heart heavily and without proper support it can be really traumatic. I knew how depression felt like personally since my Dad passed away too. But unlike you, I had my Mom and Aden and friends who grieved along with me. You had no one and therefore you carry your sadness alone. You might think no one noticed it but I do and your friends do. Your eyes were always simmering with untold heartache and the incessant breaking of your heart makes it harder to make your smiles more genuine. Still you are a cut above the rest, beautiful beyond measure. I needed to do something unexpected to shake you away from any self destructing thoughts. The orchestrated 'attack' might have angered you. Perhaps you are even brewing with anger at this moment, but that's ok. It is welcome. I wanted you to be angry Clarke, because if you are then that means you still want to fight. If you're angry because I played with your safety then that means you still want to live. And that is all I want Clarke, for you to live and be happy again someday. It doesn't matter if you hate me after this cause at least you're alive while you hate me. If you want to go now just take the flashlight from Linc but if you want to continue, ask him for the second tape."_**

Long after the tape ended, I stood there perfectly still, recalling each word with perfect clarity. With tears rolling down my face, I turned to face Lincoln who looked worriedly at me.

I cleared my throat several times before I was able to croaked out,  **"..second tape.."**

Lincoln handed me the second tape and I clutched it like a lifeline, like my entire existence wouldn't be possible without it because in a way it's true. I took a deep breath and pressed _'Play'._

**_"Clarke, thank you for staying. Even privilege as you are, you've lived a harder life than most people combined. At a young age, responsibilities far greater than you can carry was entrusted upon you, making your life just a series of goals after goals. Because of this, you never get to enjoy the simple joys that life has to offer. Today, on your birthday, I ask you to forget about all the bad days you ever had and leave your old life behind. In order to start a new life, you have to relive all your birthdays and hopefully we can eradicate the bad and leave you with the good._ **

**_You speak of darkness as a bad thing but there are several reasons wherein it is good. Life begins in darkness. Inside our mother's womb, we are shrouded in darkness but we are safe. Whenever we closed our eyes to sleep, darkness envelops us and that's ok because we need the rest. Black isn't a bad color, it was made so you can see the light more clearly. For the first part, I ask that you spend nine minutes in the dark to commemorate the nine months spent inside your mother's womb. There are some darkness that we have to embrace Clarke, and don't worry, Linc will be with you during this time."_ **

The tape ended. I unplugged the earphones and Lincoln stood beside me.

 **"Where is she? Where is Lexa?"** my voice broke at her name. The same name I tried so hard to remember in my nightmare.

**"Shh...Later Clarke. Nine minutes, are you ready?"**

I really wasn't. I won't be ready to face the darkness for a long time but having Lincoln here with me made me feel a bit safe. I nodded at him reluctantly. He put the glowing stone inside his pocket, effectively leaving us in the dark once again.

* * *

One minute:

       I wiped my tears.

Two minutes:

       I focused on breathing. In and out.

Three minutes:

       I kept my heartbeat in a steady rhythm.

Four minutes:

       I cleared my mind.

Five minutes:

       I tried to be in the present, fully there.

Six minutes:

       I paced with impatience.

Seven minutes:

       My mind automatically thought of Lexa.

Eight minutes:

        What is she doing to me?! 

Nine minutes:

      I never thought nine minutes could feel like a lifetime.

* * *

Lincoln held up his strange stone light once again and the forest lit up. I blinked for a few minutes before taking Lincoln's offered hand and walking forward. We walked out hand in hand and stopped at yet another clearing. It had a similar fur blanket and a small cabinet at the corner. A small table was situated at the edge of the blanket with an iPad neatly placed on top. Lincoln urged me to sit on the blanket as he handed me yet another tape and begin to rummage the contents of the cabinet. I sat cross legged with my back turn to Lincoln and slid the tape carefully on the recorder. I pressed  _'Play'_ excitedly with an enthusiasm reserve for a kid opening presents on Christmas eve. 

_**"Clarke, you've made it through the dark and out into the world; like a baby phoenix rising from the ashes. Please turn around."** _

I removed one earphone and turned around confused. I was met with a view of Lincoln smiling as he handed me a palm sized personalized cake. It was like the cute size version of my favorite cake from the fancy bakery near Arcadia. It even had a small #1 candle. My smile broke out, genuine and warm, and it felt wrong yet right at the same time. He asked me to blow the candle and giddy with unmasked joy, I did. He placed the cake neatly on the table, near the curious looking iPad and a surprisingly small cup filled with what I can only assume as milk. He gestured at the recorder and I nodded in understanding. I pressed  _'Play'._

**_"Happy 1st birthday Clarke. Like any new born baby who needs the nutrients a milk provides, please drink the milk laid down on the table."_ **

I let out a small laugh as I drank the most delicious milk I have ever drank. Lincoln chose that perfect moment to snapped a photo.

_**"Isn't it exciting to face the new world. Take a look around you Clarke. All the things you would do from this point forward would be your first; first step, first meal, first laugh, and a whole bunch more of many first. Not everyone get to have a chance at a second shot in life and I hope you at least enjoy your second time to celebrate your first birthday. Seventeen years removed from today, you were born, pure and untarnished with the taint of the cruel world. I hope you are happy with Lincoln's and my greetings but I know you'd rather hear it from the person responsible for bringing you to this world. Please touch the screen of the iPad."** _

I touched the iPad and like magic, Abby's concerned face filled the screen. It was a video recording. Just like that, my smile fell from my face as I braced myself for the sermon that is sure to come. My fingers hover over the  _'Play'_ button as my mind tried and failed to think of a reason why Mom would leave a video for me here. With a resigned breath, I played the video.

**"Clarke...Clarke, baby, Happy Birthday! When I gave birth to you seventeen years ago, I whispered something to you and I would never forget the way your cute little face light up with a smile, like you understood what I just whispered. I know I haven't said it to you again after that day but it is always in my mind, each time I look at you, I remember those words and never before have I felt them to be so true than at this moment. Clarke, you are and will always be, the best thing that had ever happened to me. There is no greater joy for a mother than to see her child, all grown up and ready to face the world. And I...I am so..."**

Mom held her hand to cover her face to hide what I knew to be her tears; hiding what they always taught me to be a weakness. I didn't care, I was beyond trying to stop my own tears. Lincoln held out a handkerchief which I gratefully accepted. At this point, it seems Mom had regain her composure and looked at the camera once more. 

**"I am so proud of you Clarke. I never said it to you before because I never thought you needed to hear it. You are so strong baby... You are stronger than me when I was your age. Please know that you are my source of joy and that I only want what's best for you. I'm sorry if I couldn't be the best mother you are secretly hoping me to be but I promise you...I am trying. Clarke...please, please don't leave your Mom, ok baby? I just..I still need you here with me. Like E.E. Cummings once said:**

> **Yours is the light**  
>  **By which my spirit's born,**  
>  **You are my sun, my moon,**  
>  **And all my Stars.**

**You still have many exciting things to look forward to. I love you Clarke. Happy Birthday."**

Clarke was  gone and in her place sat a girl so overwhelmed with emotions, her tears were like overflowing abundant rivers, her cries were like a gentle caress that soothe a bruised wound. Lincoln hugged me and held me together just like the night Finn died. He was like the big brother I never had.

 **"How...?"** I whispered. It was the only word I could get out of my trembling lips.

**"God, Clarke. I wish you were there to witness it, it was epic. Lexa made me take her to Griffin Corporate and went straight to your Mom's office without any appointment. Jake was out for a client meeting. Lexa went in unannounced leaving your Mom's secretary shocked and your Mom livid, even ordering me to call security to forcefully remove Lexa from the property but I stood my ground. Lexa actually shouted at Abby to 'Sit the hell down woman' and surprisingly your Mom did. Then Lexa proceeded to tell her to cancel whatever meetings or engagements she had that afternoon in order to record a video for you. Naturally, Abby refused and Lexa being the great actress that she is, told a very compelling story of how you tried to kill yourself by slashing your wrists in the girl's bathroom only stopping because she caught you. She then said you were at her house being closely monitored by her mother and and that unless she do something drastic, you would try it again. Your mom was horrified and well that video you just watched was the result. She demanded to see you after but Lexa wouldn't let her, instead she promised to have you back by tomorrow."**

**"Wow..."** I literally have no words other than that which will encompassed what I'm feeling right now.

**"Yeah, wow is right. It was a sight to behold, the great Abby Griffin breaking down in front of the camera."**

I still couldn't believe it myself. I felt like I was dreaming and would wake up anytime soon. Lincoln helped me up and we went to another clearing with almost the same setting as the previous except for the paper and pencil in the table and the absence of milk. I sat at the blanket and Lincoln handed me another tape. I set up the tape but paused before pressing  _'Play'._ I never imagined pressing one button can change my life but now I have no doubt. I'm kind of scared about what I will hear next but who am I kidding, I'd still listen to the tape no matter how scary, if it means I get to hear Lexa's voice. 

_**"Hi Clarke. I hope you had a wonderful year. It's that time of the year again, wherein you get to have another cake! Please turn around once again."** _

Lexa's cheerful voice was a welcome distraction from my thoughts. I smiled as I turned to Lincoln and blew the candle on the second cake. 

_**"Happy 2nd birthday, Clarke. We can typically already have spoken our first word by the time we reached our 2nd birthday. To commemorate this moment, please think of one word that you would have wanted to be your first spoken word and write it on the paper provided."** _

I hit  _'Pause'_ and excitedly picked up the pencil and wrote the one word that made life bearable: LOVE. I held up the paper proudly while Lincoln captured the moment with his camera. I pressed  _'Play',_ ready for my next instructions.

_**"It's a glorious moment when we spoke our first word. It is truly a moment to remember and recall. Aside from speaking your first word, another significant event occurred in your life or rather another person entered your life. You know the drill Clarke, the iPad is just a touch away."**  
_

I know exactly who she is talking about and I am hesitant to see the video. I have a sinking feeling that this might destroy the peaceful bubble of joy that I am in right now. Lincoln quietly sat down beside me and held my other hand for support. I closed my eyes and sighed, I can do this. I braced myself and touched the screen.

**"Clarke, I have always treated you as my own daughter. Biological parents are expected to love and care for their child but not so much with step parents. But with me, I choose to love you since day one. I took care of you and your Mom and provided for your every needs. I named you my heir in the event that something should happen to me, ahead of my own brother and sister. We raised you with hard rules and high expectations simply because I want you to be at your best at all times. So when the time comes that I am no longer around to teach you, you can stand on your own with your head held up high and show anyone who dare to challenge you why you are worthy of the Griffin name. You are my greatest dream and teaching you is my greatest achievement. I know I am not an affectionate person and I have never before told you that I love you, but I do. I might not get to say that again because you know I am a man of action not words. Everything I have will be yours eventually and that speaks louder than any words. But now you have this video to remind you that I had said it even just once. I am hard on you because I want you to be even better than me. Clarke, life isn't always easy. You must learn to face it and learn from it. In conclusion, I'd leave you with the words of William Shakespeare:**

> **Be not afraid of greatness**  
>  **Some are born great,**  
>  **Some achieve greatness,**  
>  **And some have greatness**  
>  **Entrust upon them.**

**Happy Birthday Clarke. Though I never said it, I want you to know that I am very lucky to have you as my daughter."**

Lincoln silently handed me the handkerchief again. I took it gratefully. It seemed I would spend this night alternating between smiles and tears. Lincoln just held me while he whispers his story.

**"I know you're dying to know how we pulled off that impossible act. After we finished with your Mom's video, she called Jake for an emergency meeting. We waited a half hour for him and like your Mom, he was enraged that Lexa was there without appointment. I failed to tell you that we were with John Murphy, he's a renowned war journalist who recently went back home to settle for a news hosting career at Arcadia Herald. He was also friends with Gus. Lexa called him in for a favor and she used him to threaten your step dad that he would exposed the real story behind your family if he didn't comply with making the video. He reluctantly agreed and he only started recording when he was alone in the room. Lexa was on fire that even your Dad looked at her with respect."**

God! I would have given anything to witness that. Lexa is really perfect, is there anything she couldn't do. 

**"When do I get to see her?"**

**"Patience, Clarke. She is taking care of some things but you'll see her at the end. In the meantime I would escort you to your next station then I have to go to my designated station. Enjoy this night Clarke, it will only happen once."**

He held out his hand and I took it. We stopped at the next clearing where there are scattered stone lights at the ground, giving the trees a glowing dreamy look. A huge man with a dark hooded coat stood with his back turned to us. Lincoln lightly shove me towards him with a chuckle before he disappeared in the woods. For some reason, even knowing that the attack was just an act, I still got scared looking at the back of the hooded man, expecting him to be a really bad person. I nervously cleared my throat to get his attention when he didn't turn after a few minutes. He turned around slowly. 

 **"You have always been impatient, little one."** He laughed as he quickly pulled his hood down and I run to hug him.

**"Oh my God Roan! What are you doing here? Did you come alone?"**

**"Easy couz. Yeah I came alone, I was actually pondering on inviting Uncle Jake and Aunt Abby and you for a fancy birthday celebration dinner but then a very beautiful girl knocked on my apartment door to ask me if I want to be a part of this and without a second thought I said Yes! I mean you don't say no to that pretty face and, Ow Clarke! Stop hitting. So anyway yeah, this is definitely better than my boring dinner plans. I got to say couz, you really know how to pick them. She's even more stunning than my girl if you can believe that."** Roan burst out laughing while I swat him.

 **"She's just my friend."** I answered blushing.

 **"You're pretty blind couz, that girl is really smitten by you. If this grand gesture of surprise doesn't convince you, I don't know what will. Oh and before I forget, you have to choose: Flashlight or cake?"** He held out the two objects. I bypassed the flashlight and took the cake.

 **"Duhh! I choose the cake of course."** I blew the candle, while Roan handed me an iPod. 

 **"Happy 3rd Birthday Clarke. This is usually the time when kids develop their audible inclination. Remember when we were kids, we used to play truth or dare? Well your dare is to choose one song from the iPod, listen to it and sing your favorite part."** He laughed because he knew I don't ever sing. He's in for a surprise because today I'm in the mood for anything.

I searched for  **'Breathe'**  by **Lauv**.I tap my fingers along with the tune, waiting for the right part. With a voice usually reserve for private, I sang the chorus. Roan stared at me in shock and I winked at him making him gaped at me.

> **And it's killing me,**  
>  **me to say "I'm fine," "I'm fine"**  
>  **When I really mean,**  
>  **mean to say..**  
>  **You're my all and more**  
>  **All I know you taught me, yeah**  
>  **You're my all and more**  
>  **But I need room to breathe, yeah**

**"Damn Clarke,  I haven't seen you for just a year and during that time, you miraculously learned to sing! Since it's your birthday, I'll let this slide. I will just leave you R.H. Sin's words to ponder on:**

> **You are good enough,**  
>  **Even when others chose**  
>  **To take you for granted.**  
>  **You are beautiful,**  
>  **Even if others fail**  
>  **To acknowledge it.**  
>  **You are strong,**  
>  **Even in moments**  
>  **When you feel like breaking**

**You will always be my favorite cousin and I will always have your back. Little Clarke, enjoy life: the good and the bad."**

He took a photo of me singing as he hugged me tight and I hugged him tighter. It will be awhile before I get to see him again, his Mom, Aunt Nia, isn't really in speaking terms with our family. Ever since Dad declared me as his sole heir, she had viewed me as her life's enemy.

Roan lead me to yet another clearing where my childhood friend stood smiling. He disappeared as well, leaving me alone with Wells. He wore the dark hooded coat like a fashion statement. He had always loved hooded jackets especially black ones because it blends well with his unique dark skin. I walked slowly as I watched him and tried to reconcile my bubbly childhood friend with the posh looking young man in front of me. He had definitely changed a lot physical wise. He is more buff and stood more confident. He lost the nerd glasses and replaced it with a black colored contact lens but his eyes remained the same cheerful ones since we were kids. I stopped in front of him and ignored the flashlight in his hands. I cradled my 4th cake as I embraced him after so many years.

 **"How did you end up here, stranger?"** I nudge him playfully, earning me his signature cheeky smile.

 **"Funny thing you should ask. I was  having an incredibly bad day at school when I received an urgent phone call. They said it was from a bird, so I took it right away. Seriously, you don't keep a bird waiting, you know?"** he smiled as he paced around.

I burst out laughing. And My God! It felt good to really laugh, I've forgotten how it felt like,  **"A bird?! A bird called you?"**

 **"Yeah, it was from a Raven if you want to be specific."** he answered, laughing as well.

" **Rave's one of my best friend. What'd she say?"** I replied, grinning.

**"She said, 'Hey Wells, do you wanna do something special for Clarke and have the most exciting day of your life?' I was super amazed that a bird decided to give me a call and it had such lovely voice so naturally I said Yes, right away! Plus she said 'Clarke' and 'Exciting' in the same sentence, which is so weird, I simply had to know more."**

I smiled to myself. It made sense now, why Rave's been asking me about my other friends. I wonder who else is here? I'm almost nervous to find out.

**"Unfortunately for you, she is happily committed to someone else."**

**"Yeah I know, she told me when I tried to give her flowers. Anyway, you don't get to joke with me young lady. You see this bruise right here in my face? Well, not really cause of the color of my skin but it's there. You put it there when you kick me in the face."** He was looking at me with his semi serious face, that I burst out laughing again.

**"It was you? Who was the other one? To be fair you did attack me and that is a very grave offense."**

**"The other one was little bird Rave, so good luck asking her forgiveness, she is feisty! And it was hardly an attack, we were just going to hold you down but you decided to kick the hell out of us. Shit Clarke! Nowhere in our emails that you said you are now a secret ninja. Stung like hell!"**

I laughed out loud. Wells was always fun to be around, always the joker. I'm gonna have a hard time watching him go after tonight.

 **"I miss you like crazy, Wells. Life's been boring without you here."** I hugged him tight once more.

 **"Oh hush, life can't be that boring when you have a beautiful girl laying the world at your feet. You keep this one, you hear me? Lexa really cares about you."** he replied as he hugged me back.

 **"Why do you guys keep saying that, she's just my friend. Not even that close of a friend, we barely spoke."** typical Lexa, she had everyone under her spell, unfortunately, she's too busy with life to take a chance with me.

**"Friends don't go to this extreme of a surprise Clarke. Deny it all you want, but everyone sees what you refuse to. It's ok to be happy you know. Speaking of which, happy 4th Birthday! You're supposed to draw something to remember this birthday but I know you when you draw, it takes forever cause you have to make everything perfect and we don't have that much time. So we'll skipped that. I'll just read this one for you, from J.Iron Word:**

> **I'm always here for you**  
>  **But sometimes,**  
>  **I want nothing more**  
>  **Than to be there with you.**

**Right, come along now. I took up too much of your time. I'll take you to your next adventure."**

I hooked my arms in his waist as we made our way over a small outcropping of trees with another hooded person silently sitting there. Wells bade me goodbye as he made his way to the woods. I approached the hooded figure cautiously. The figure stood up and lower the hood to reveal my friend Echo.

 **"Hi Clarke. It's been awhile. I might have spilled the beans about Aden, I'm sorry."** She looked apologetically at me.

 **"Hey, it's fine. Lincoln already explained everything. It was bound to come out anyway. Thank you for keeping the secret for as long as you have."** I hugged her to placate her worries.

**"Ok let's do this. First you have to choose, Flashlight or-"**

**"The cake, I choose the cake"** Echo let out a laugh before handing me my cute cake. I blew the candle right away.

**"I see you're on your festive mood. Happy 5th birthday, Clarke. 5 years is usually the time when we first go to school to study. We learn our first ABC. Now I want you to tell me your favorite letter of the alphabet."**

**"That's easy. L is my favorite letter."**

**"Wow Clarke, not very subtle huh?"** she smirked at me and I blush when I realize what she means.

 **"What? No! I've always like L for Life and Love."** Echo laughed as I swatted her arm.  **"I'll tell Roan about this."**

**"Whatever, Clarke. You are very easy to read. As my parting words, from Leo Christopher:**

> **There is a thread that connects us,**  
>  **Regardless of what separates us,**  
>  **Regardless of how intent we are**  
>  **To sever it.**

**That concludes your 5th birthday. On to the next year ."**

Echo took me to the next clearing. Here two hooded figures stood. We stopped at the one nearest the entrance and Echo made her exit. The first hooded figure lowered her hood. It was an unfamiliar face.

**"Hi Clarke, my name is Luna. I'm a friend of Lexa and her workmate as well. I want to wish you a happy 6th birthday. Also I'm supposed to let you choose-"**

**"Hi Luna, thank you for being here. But please if it's the flashlight again, I don't want it. I don't think I'll ever look at a flashlight the same way again. I'm staying."** I shuddered. I'll forever associate flashlight with leaving.

Luna smiled warmly and nodded.  **"Fair enough. We'll proceed with Leonard Cohen's qoute:**

> **There is a crack**  
>  **In everything,**  
>  **That's how the light gets in.**

**Hang in there Clarke, Life maybe hard, but it still has many more exciting things to offer."**

I got a little teary eyed. Having a complete stranger, genuinely wish good things for you can do that. She guided me to the other hooded figure who turned out to be Harper. She told her no flashlight which made us all laugh.

**"Hi Clarke, I don't know if you know me but I am also a senior at Arcadia High. We don't have any class together but I see you in the hallways and-"**

**"Of course I know you. Your name's Harper right? You're a close friend of Costia and one of the cheerleaders at Arcadia High."**

**"Wow! You knew my name? I can't believe this. I admire the work minded attitude of your family and you are also my inspiration in school. You're always on top of the class without even trying hard. Really, it's a pleasure to finally meet you Clarke."** she held out her hand which I happily shook.

**"Thank you, Harper. A pleasure to meet you as well."**

**"I'm so happy to be a part of this. Happy 7th birthday Clarke! Oh and I have a piece of poetry from Atticus for you:**

> **You are one**  
>  **Of the rare ones,**  
>  **So effortlessly yourself,**  
>  **And the world loved you for it.**

**Yey! And here is your cake."** Harper's happy personality is infectious. I gave her a grateful smile before blowing the candle. She clapped and I laughed, then we made our way to the next clearing. It was lit up with candles and stone light. Harper was gone as soon as I entered the clearing.

Costia was standing in the middle with the 8th cake at hand. She wore the dark coat with the hood down. Her head was bowed and she only looked up when I was standing in front of her. She looked sad but was trying to hide it with a smile. I know exactly what she's feeling right now.

**"Clarke.."**

**"Hi Costia. Are you ok?"** she smiled bitterly at me before nodding her head.

 **"Oh, I'm dandy. What about you, are you happy?"** she looked expectantly at me, like she was really interested to know my answer. I'm stumped because I don't know how to answer that.

 **"I'm...well I don't know. I guess...I'm on my way there."** I replied, unsure if I said the right answer or I just made the matter worst.

 **"I hope you find happiness and love because life doesn't really mean anything without them, right?"** I nodded reluctanly.

**"I'm being weird, forgive me. Happy 8th birthday Clarke! Bo Burnham once said:**

> **You shouldn't try so hard**  
>  **To be perfect,**  
>  **Trust me,**  
>  **Perfect should try to be you.**

**Many people think you are already perfect as you are anyway."** a tear made its way down Costia's face. She quickly wiped it away and pretended to have some dust in her eyes. I felt sad knowing I caused that. She then unexpectedly hugged me.

 **"You have no idea how lucky you are."** She whispered before letting me go and handing the small cake to me. She was smiling warmly now but a flicker of sadness is still visible in her eyes. I wanted to help her but I don't know how to so I just blew the candle instead.

She guided me to the next clearing in complete silence. And like all the others, she left as soon as I was near the three hooded figures.

" **I'm Monty, friend of Raven. Glad to meet you, Clarke and happy 9th birthday! I won't take up too much of your time but I'll leave you with Lauren Oliver's word**

> **Things would get difficult again**  
>  **But that was ok too**  
>  **The bravery is in moving forward**  
>  **No matter what."**

He handed me the cake and bowed his head before ushering me to the next person who turned out to be Bellamy, Octavia's older brother. He smiled sheepishly at me while handing me the cake.

**"Clarke, I'd like to thank you for all the good things you've done for our family. Even if you wont admit it, we know you were the one responsible for our weekly grocery rations and for looking out for O at school. She listens to you more than me and that's saying something."**

**"Bellamy, you work hard for your sister and your future. I was just doing what little I can to help. O is also a great person and she can look out for herself. I'm lucky to have her as my friend."**

" **You are much too kind. Oh and happy 10th birthday, Clarke. Like F.Scott Fitzgerald, I also believe in the saying:**

> **Never confuse a single failure,**  
>  **With a final defeat.**

**The best is yet to come. Besides, success usually starts with failure."** I tearfully hugged him again before turning to face...Lincoln.

 **"Look how grown up you are! The last time I saw you, you were only two years old now it's your 11th birthday! How quick time flies."** we both burst out laughing. 

 **"Why thank you! 11 years and I turn out to be cute too."** The sound of my laughter was foreign to my ears but definitely welcome.

**"You're not cute, you're beautiful. How are you doing so far? Are you having fun?"**

**"I'm having way too much fun. I'm scared this might all be just a dream and I'll wake up soon."**

**"Trust me, this is all real. We have pictures to prove it. There is this beautiful piece from J.Iron Word that describes you perfectly:**

> **Your beauty may be**  
>  **The first thing we notice,**  
>  **But delicate you are not,**  
>  **You are a butterfly**  
>  **With iron wings.**

**Again, Happy 11th birthday Clarke! Like Lexa, I see you as my little sister so I want you to be happy."**

**"Aww, you are like my big brother too. I hope you'll stay employed with us for a long time because having you there helped to lighten my burdens."**

**"I'll be here as long as you need me Clarke. Now come, there's someone who's been dying to meet you."**

We made our way to a girl almost the same age as Lincoln. She was beautiful but her mouth seems to be set on a permanent scowl and her eyes looked piercingly at me. I instinctively stood up straighter and held my head high. I met her eyes with the determined glint in mine. She pursed her lips as she looked me up and down, I felt like my very soul was being judged. Lincoln cleared his throat making us both looked in his direction. I've forgotten he was still there. The girl looked back at me with a smile on her lips but her eyes remained calculating.

**"I'm Anya, Lexa's best friend. You must be Clarkey."**

I winced at the nickname,  **"It's just Clarke actually."**

 **"Right, Clarkey it is! I promised Lexa I'll behave so let's get this 12th birthday on the road. Here's your cake, Clarkey."** She smirked. I sighed and refused to give any reaction to her obvious goading. I took the cake and thank her.

**"Before you go, I'm supposed to read J.Iron Word work to you:**

> **You may look innocent**  
>  **But you know**  
>  **How to leave your mark.**

**Also do me a favor, next time don't make Lexa worry too much. I hate it when she transform into this unfeeling robot that just sprouts orders for everyone in her focus to make you happy. She's also so dramatic nowadays that it sucks to be near her, and this is all your fault you know."** she glared at me while I gape at her.

 **"Enough, Anya."** Lincoln's exasperated voice drew Anya's attention. 

 **"What? It's the truth! Anyway off you go, the little man's been asking about you."** She all but pushed me and Lincoln on the next smaller clearing. Lincoln stayed back while I approached the little boy seated in the corner. He wore the same dark coat without the hood on. He smiled brightly when he saw me and rushed to hug me.

 **"Ms.Clarke! I'm so excited to be here! Look, look, I even get to give you a cake! How cool is that? Now it's my turn to give you something."** He was bursting with energy that it was hard for me to imagine he was the same sickly kid I used to donate my blood to. He smiled widely while offering me the cake like it was the grandest gift in the world. I was overwhelmed with too much affection for Aden. I've always wanted a younger brother who loves all my fantasy stories and drawings. 

 **"That is cool. Thank you so much, Aden! How are you? Are you feeling ok today?"** I hugged him gently, worried that I might end up hurting him.

" **I'm great! I feel strong today, Lexa thinks so too that's why she let me join. Isn't my sister the coolest? She said she always takes care of me because she loves me and she also admitted that she wants to take care of you. Does that mean that she loves you too?"**

**"I...uhm... She does?"**

**"Aden, why don't you wish Clarke happy birthday so she can proceed with the others, yeah?"** Lincoln cut in and Aden happily obliged. He helped me blow the candle then kissed me on my cheeks.

**"Happy 13th birthday Ms. Clarke! By the way I also get to read you my sister's quote from her favorite poet J.Iron Word:**

> **The most beautiful humans**  
>  **Are the ones with the heaviest hearts**  
>  **Loving the hardest,**  
>  **And hurting the deepest.**

**I hope you get to tell me more of your fantastic stories and I hope you aren't too mad at Lexa for the whole ambush scene. She's just like that cause she cares. Also when you become friends, can you come visit our house?"** I chuckled as I ruffled his hair. Aden is really an incredible kid. No wonder Lexa always puts him first.

**"If I can go, then I would surely visit you, little prince."**

His bright green eyes locked gaze with mine with an intensity that can rival his sister's, sparkled with joy that made me pause. His smiles brought smiles to my lips as well.

After one last tearful hug, Lincoln lead me into a bigger clearing and bid me goodbye once again. The clearing was filled with various flowers scattered along with the stone light and the melodious accompaniment of violin, piano, harp, and guitar played from an unseen speaker. The music invoked a feeling of pride and triumph. Two hooded figures carrying the 14th and 15th cakes, entered from opposite side of the clearing and stood up in front of me. They lowered their hoods at the same time to reveal my two trusted friends; Octavia and Raven.

They both looked at me with matching sad expressions, neither speaking a word but I hear them just the same. I heard their _'I love you's'_ in the way they looked at me with acceptance and pride; it's in the way they lightly stretch out their hands and bowed their heads, like they are offering me forgiveness instead of a cake; It's in the way they hug me (gentle and tight) and their sigh of relief that tells me more than words can say. I let my tears spill once more, unbridled and unconstrained. We held each other much like the way we did when we became friends. 

 **"On a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the maddest, how mad are you with us?"** Octavia asked with a worried frown.

**"Probably around 1. I appreciate your effort guys I do but I was actually scared for your safety, not mine. Just please don't do it again."**

**"Then promise us you wouldn't try to attempt what you were planning on doing after you went home today."** Raven answered in a firm voice. Her left cheek was slightly red presumably due from my kick. I bowed my head and shame before nodding my consent.

**"I can't promise but will try my hardest to grant your request. Also Raven forgive me for unknowingly kicking you-"**

**"It's fine Clarke. You were under the impression that you were under attack so you have every right to do what you did. Besides, this made me look more bad ass."** we all laughed and all was right in the world.

**"As much as we would like to talk more, we are under time pressure so Clarke you can blow your candle while I'll leave you with David Levithan's message for you:**

> **Maybe then you'd realize**  
>  **If only for a split second**  
>  **That even though the world**  
>  **Doesn't matter to you,**  
>  **YOU matter to the world.**

**Happy 14th birthday Clarke."** touched by the words, I hugged Octavia once more before blowing the candle. Raven handed me her's as she read her message.

**This one is from Robert Drake:**

> **Maybe you feel empty**  
>  **Because you leave**  
>  **Pieces of yourself**  
>  **In everything you love.**

**Happy 15th birthday Clarke. Always remember that we have your back no matter what. You are irreplaceable to us and we love you."** Raven hugged me tight then handed me a tape.

 **"What's this for?"** I asked, hoping it was from Lexa.

**"It's for the hardest part. You have to face this one on your own but fear not, Lexa will guide you through the process. I will escort you only up to the boundary."**

Octavia squeezed my trembling hands when we reached the boundary she was talking about. We are now past the forestry woods and into a cliff I knew so well. I finally figure out why the clearings looked familiar. I know exactly where we are, we are at the edge of our family's property near the cliff, most specifically, Finn and mine's cliff. I gripped Octavia's hand hard as I struggled to breathe. I shouldn't be here. I looked at O pleadingly when she tried to go.

 **"Breathe, Clarke. You can do this."** she prodded me forward but I was frozen in place. 

> _**"I've always wanted to fly.."** _

**"Octavia! please...please...I can't...I can't be here..."**

**"Shh you can do this. You are strong"**

**"No...no...You don't understand. Please... please let's go...Octavia please..."**

> _**"Goodbye, Clarke..."** _

Panic wound its way to my heart, as flashes of Finn stepping off the cliff assaulted my mind leaving me in state of shock. 

> _**"Goodbye, Clarke..."** _

The cool night air is now laden with dread and fear. I clutched Octavia's hand, refusing to let her go. She looked worried as she frantically dialed her phone. After a few minutes she handed me her phone, plug the earphones and gently place it in my ears. Lexa's voice filled my ears.

**"Clarke? Clarke? Are you there?"**

**"Yeah..yeah...Please...Lexa I can't...can't be here!"** My hand shook uncontrollably as my lungs constrict leaving me gasping for air. 

**"Breathe Clarke. Breathe."**

**"I can't...breathe...I...can't..."** I collapsed on my knees. My whole body was wracked with tremors. My lips trembled in a silent prayer.

 **"Clarke! Listen to me. Focus on my voice."** I took a deep breath and listened to her voice. I shut my eyes but still I see Finn, whispering his goodbye over and over.

**"Breathe, Clarke. Deep breaths."**

I ignored everything and focused on her voice. I felt my mind clear little by little. 

**"I'm right here, Clarke. You're not alone."**

Her voice, strong and calm, helped ground me. I slowly opened my eyes as my heart settled to it's normal rhythm.

**"Stand up Clarke. We're almost done."**

I fought the urge to just stay still, I slowly rose to my feet. Fresh air slowly trickled to my lungs, as I took a deep breath. 

**"That's it Clarke. Just breathe. Take a step forward."**

I shook my head no several times before remembering that she couldn't see me.

**"No...Please, No..."**

**"You have to do this Clarke. You haven't properly said your goodbye which means you haven't let him go."** I shook my head firmly. I don't think I can do it.

**"Listen to me, you need to grieve properly so you wouldn't feel this burden much heavily, so you can have peace. I walk that line awhile ago. It's just 6 steps from where you are standing. You can do this."**

I took a tentative step forward. I blocked out all thoughts of fear and instead focused on Lexa's voice once again.

**"I believe you can do it, Clarke. Just a bit more."**

I rushed the remaining few steps, before I could think about what I'm doing and back out. I stopped in front of a small statue of a kneeling boy, his head tip up, smiling at the sky and in his hand was a single blue rose. I kneel down beside it, my hands found its way tracing the intricate details of the face. It was so life like, my heart ached as I traced the joyous smile forever etched at his face, in direct contrast to his sad departure from the world. 

 **"Let go Clarke. Feel the loss and pain like it's supposed to be felt. Feel the empty part of your heart that used to be his. Forget his last day and remember the good memories. Remember his laugh and smiles that used to brighten up your day. Remember the way your heart beat faster every time he was near. Recall all the sweet things he ever said. Focus on all the times he made you believe in love and the times he made you appreciate life more. He loved you Clarke, within his short life, you made him believed in love and magic and how it was one and the same. You made him happy in more ways than one. Do not think he left this world because of you. There are just some pit too bottomless for us to reach. His death does not diminished the love he felt for you. He was a part of your life and you have to acknowledge that. You can't try to forget him just to escape the pain. It'll only hurt more. Pain is a part of grieving. Now you can say goodbye. It doesn't mean you'll forget him rather it means you are ready to accept that he is gone. For the last part, please take the blue rose which signifies your cake by the way, attached to the bottom is a note for you. Please take time to read it, Happy sweet 16 Clarke."** Her call ended. I unfolded the note with care.

> **Show me the most**  
>  **Damaged parts of your soul**  
>  **And I will show you**  
>  **How it still shines like gold.**  
>  **\---Nikita Gill**

I let my tears flow and grieve the way I should have a year ago. I placed the note back to the statue's hand because I felt it best describes him too. My brilliant, broken Finn, who used to make up my world. He had lodge his place permanently in a quiet space inside my heart. I closed my eyes and imagine him standing in front of me. His moonlit black eyes bright with love as I whispered,

**"Goodbye Finn..."**

I stood up and made my way to the tent a few feet away. A red carpet was unfurled at the entrance. As soon as I stepped at the edge of the carpet, the whole tent lit up with a soft golden glow. Somewhere, a hidden speaker started playing  **'** **Run To You'.** Octavia's phone rang, the screen showed Lexa's name.

> **The city sky's feeling dark tonight**  
>  **We're back to back with our heads down**  
>  **Just look at me, give me more tonight**  
>  **Just give me more of your love now**  
>  **Let's set fire to the lonely night**  
>  **You're beautiful when you look at me**  
>  **Let's give love another life**

**"Hello?"**

" **From the book of Ruth:**  
**Do not urge me to leave you**  
**Or to turn back from you,**  
**For where you go, I will go;**  
**Where you stay, I will stay;**  
**Your people will be my people;**  
**And your God, my God;**  
**Where you die, I will die;**  
**And there I will be buried.**  
**May the Lord deal with me**  
**Be it ever so severely,**  
**If even death separates You and Me."**

**"Lexa? Where are you?"**

She didn't answer. I fasten my pace until I reached the tent. I opened it, fully expecting to see Lexa there, instead I was met with a feast. A table full of scrumptious meal. Deserts of every kind lined the outer layer, while the inner layer was composed of different viands and salad. Some of the foods, I recognize came from  _'The Grounder'_ restaurant that Lexa worked. These are premium offerings and top of the menu which means these caused a fortune.

**"Hello? Lexa?"**

Still no answer. From behind the tent, all my friends entered with their individual cakes. They lined up and sang **'Happy birthday'** all together. They hugged me again one by one. Raven pulled me aside.

 **"She's out there."** I nodded gratefully and made my way to the back of the tent. There at the top of a huge rock, sat Lexa. She wore a stunning red top and black slacks, complete with her ever present black leather jacket. Her hair was also tied up in a braid. She was a vision to behold. She glanced at me when she heard me approached. 

 **"F.Scott Fitzgerald once said, _'I don't want just words, if that is all you have for me, you better go.'_ So I did all these to back up all the words I gave you, hoping it would be enough for you not to ask me to go again."** she said in the softest voice whilst taking a few steps towards me. I stayed rooted in my place, unable to move least the scene before me vanished and I end up waking from the most beautiful vivid dream.

 **"If this is the only chance I will ever get to tell you how much you mean to me: I wish you to know, that You.Are.Everything! You matter Clarke! I need you, we need you.",** she stopped in front of me, held out two red and white carnations and conquered all my demons with just one magnificent shy smile.

**"How can you tell me to forget you? How can you think it was even possible when you are in my every thought, every dream, every prayer, every wish, every heartbeat; when you are the reason for my every breath and my every smile. You are ingrained in me. It's like being told to forget a part of myself. You have no idea how important you are, you make up my whole world."**

And just like that, a great light shone fiercely against my dark world. My fragile heart soared in elation as those words spilled like honey from her lips. I am powerless to stop the stream of tears brought about by my overwhelming emotions as my eyes closed to shield them from the stunning brilliance that is Lexa.

**"In this world full of lies and deceit, I give you the only truth that I am sure of: I LOVE YOU Clarke, without pause, without condition, without question, without doubt! You never have to say it back, I don't expect you to. I just wanted to let you know. I will love you enough for the both of us, I know that I'm lucky enough to have known you in my lifetime."**

Lexa knelt before me and it was like the world stopped spinning, the turbulent waves stilled, the storm abated, everything just stopped and fade away; and all I see is her. _Lexa, Lexa, Lexa..._ Shining so spectacularly bright, that she lifts the darkness within me little by little. Then I realize what I've been trying to fight all this time; that I love her with all that I am. Dear God, I love her right through to my soul. I had lost this battle the moment she looked at me but I don't mind. I knew I was fighting a battle I couldn't win and I find that I don't have the strength to fight it. Lexa had undeniably captured my heart completely.

**"Will you...Will you grant me the honor of being your friend?"**

**"Yes! The honor is all mine..."** I whispered **.**

I knelt down too, she held out her arms tentatively and I rushed towards her in a heartbeat. I hugged her like she was the only lifeline that will keep me from drowning in the wallowing depths of my pain, like she was the only thing that can keep me grounded instead of falling in the never ending murky dark depths of my depression. I cried, I sobbed, I wailed, I wept and I even screamed a little. I let all the sadness and grief that had been caged inside my heart for a very long time, I let it out in a never ending flood of tears. Through all this, Lexa held me tight; silently crying along with me, as she whispered,

**"I'm here, you're not alone. Everything's gonna be ok, Clarke. I promise."**

It terrifies me, how much my heart burns fiercely and intensely with love for her, like a blazing roaring flame that will engulf us both in its fiery embrace and destroy everything that stands in its way. It's especially terrifying because I know if this ends, if I lose her, I won't survive it. I fear I might even lose the last shred of sanity left in me.

With every tear that dropped, my heart felt lighter and my mind sharper. The fog of despair and heartache that always surrounds me, now fades away and clears my vision. Long after all my tears have gone and my crying had stopped, I still held Lexa tight and she held me tight too, rubbing my back with soothing circles and humming along the song playing from the hidden speakers. My whole body tingled with fire making me feel exhilarated and out of breath. Her voice far more sweeter than _**Lea Michelle**_ 's. The lyrics burrowed its way inside my heart and it lodged there as a promise.

> **Let's let go, let it be the start**  
>  **You know I'm feeling the same thing**  
>  **Let's let go of our broken hearts**  
>  **Cause you'll be safe in these arms of mine**  
>  **Just call my name on the edge of the night**  
>  **And I'll run to you, I'll run to you**

I finally found the courage to say the words that can contain and express this fierce emotion brewing inside my fragile heart, my lips trembled in anticipation of the words that will spill out with the quiet intensity of a beautiful storm. I reluctantly pulled away from her warm embrace, my heart beat stuttering at the sudden lost of contact, my eyes met her shining green eyes that is brimming with unfiltered adoration and pure love, leaving me temporarily frozen and gasping for breath at their intensity; I placed my trembling hands upon her glorious face and with a breathless whisper I let out the words that will hopefully eradicate the darkness and let in the light,

**"I love you.."**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ##### Who was I to think  
>  We were less than this?  
>  We are more than  
>  The weak and the worn.  
>  \---Josh Walker
> 
>  
> 
> Should I end it here?


End file.
